Has my 3 year old got behaviour problems or something worse?

[Nicki1979]

My son is 3 years and 9 months and just after he turned 3 his behaviour, which up until then had been exemplary, started to change for the worse. One of the issues is he has things he has to say and do. For example when someone leaves the house he has to hold their hand and tell them to drive careful, take care, mind how you go. About 6 sentences all in the same order. If he doesn't get to do this he throws an almighty tantrum which he can take up to half an hour to calm down from. He has the same routine when he goes to bed or when his father or I have a shower. I'm not sure if this is a form of OCD?

It has steadily got worse and the latest one is he liked to undo our seat belts when the car has stopped. We soon put a stop to it as in his hurry to undo our seat belts he started undoing his own before the car has stopped. Even two weeks after we've stopped this he still throws the most almighty tantrum every time we go out in the car.

When he goes into a tantrum it is impossible to reason with him and he seems to spend all his time now on the time out step or in his room (when he's refused to go on the step).

He was such a well behaved loving and affectionate little boy that it breaks my heart to see him playing up like this and it obviously upsets him. He still is loving and affectionate at times but his outbursts seem to be getting more and more often.

Although I can't help but think it's something me and his dad are or aren't doing deep down I know we are good parents (or at least trying to be). Discipline is always fair and consistent and our son is a bright little boy, spoilt with love but not treats or sweets, who knows the difference between right and wrong.

My mum is convinced he has mental health problems and my dad just shouts at him and is very confrontational which of course doesn't help but I just don't know what to think or do anymore.

I have googled it but although there are lots of 3 year olds with behaviour problems none seem similar to my son's issues.

Can anyone help?

Hi there

I don't know if it's 'normal' but my 3.9 yo also has things he has to say and do. For example if he sees a car which is the same make/ colour as ours he HAS to say 'that car like our car that colour like our colour that badge like our badge' and you have to look at the car and make the right response otherwise he gets very agitated.

I am not worried and actually thinking about it now I don't think he is doing it as often.

My advice would be to let him do it, not make a big thing about it. Could it be to do with realising how big and unpredictable the world is and trying to assert some control over it or something? Perhaps this is like a transitionary phase moving from being a very little dependent boy to a more independent bigger boy and in a month or two he might feel like he doesn't need to do it any more...?

Well actually I have no idea !! I'm just plodding on and hoping for the best!!!

I'm not sure if this is a sign of something but to me it seems like some form of control to manage anxiety. Don't let him do it and show him how everythih is still ok by not doing it. Could at change have recently made him anxious or could he be picking up on someone's anxiety?

When I say don't let him... Just try to distract him so it doesn't become an embedded habit.

It does sound like a form of control to manage anxiety. My ds has the same, we try to mix things up and not let him rely on any routine too much.

What is playing like either on his own or with other children?

I must admit I've never heard of a 3yr old with these types of behaviours. It's quite possible he will grow out of it, but as it's affecting your day to day life I think I would have a chat with your GP and maybe go alone initially so you can talk freely without the worry of your son listening.

I would go to your GP and request a referral to a paediatrician. It could be a whole range of things, but it does sound more than normal 3 year old behaviour, and it is causing him and you distress.
Paediatricians can help with short term anxiety type issues as well as diagnose the "big things".

He plays really well on his own, he's got a wonderful imagination and is also fantastic with other children, he loves babies and shares his toys with everyone. He goes to preschool and they have absolutely no problems with him.

He has a baby sister who was born in may, although this all started well before she was born. He adores her and is very proud, always talking to people about her.

The only possible trigger I can think of is his dad moved home in January. He was made redundant from the navy and went from coming home every weekend to being home every day for four months until he found a job. That seemed like a positive though as my son gets on really well with his dad.

Go and talk to a professional, it sounds like, and it seems as if you feel it is, more than normal anxiety in a 3 year old. See a Paediatrician, they will probably just give you advice on how to handle things, they don't rush to diagnose. My eldest is 16 now, and among his friends most have been to see some kind of specialist sometime, it is quite normal; sometimes there is a diagnosed condition, sometimes there is not but some hints help a lot. (Eg. MyDS at one time stammered, after seeing a speech therapist she suggestedit was more that he struggled to get a wordin edge way with his sister, and that reall helped.)

I agree with the previous posters who have suggested you see your GP. Even if there is nothing wrong and his behaviour is 'normal' for a 3yo (and normal for a 3 you is such a wide wide range ) you are concerned and your GP should be able reassure you or refer to specialists who can help.

Fwiw, anecdotally, my 3yo ds has tantrums daily over the most trivial and pointless things. Generally they involve him trying to be independent or having control. For example, this morning he let rip because one of his sisters was sat in the chair he wanted to sit in for breakfast. Then his brother turned Milkshake off...

Both mine have done this to a degree and they're both doing very well at aged 8 and 4....both sociable and popular...both doing well academically.

I never sought help. I did ask DD1s first teacher about it as she was a very wise woman and in her 60s she'd kind of seen it all...she said "She'll grow out of it...there's nothing wrong with her that is apparent to me."

And she was right. DD1 stopped the behaviour at about 5 and DD2 is showing signs of stopping now/

I wont list their many foibles...but DD1 used to have similar verbal and physical routines too.

I agree with other posters that this is a little bit more than normal 3 year old anxiety.

His tantrums are probably the result of a deep fear that something terrible will happen if he doesn't follow certain routines so you probably need some professional advice on how best to deal with them.

I have seen a few children start behaviours when very young which looked very like the beginning of OCD. Some of these were just as disruptive and upsetting as what you describe. All of them grew out of these behaviours in their own time without professional intervention so your DS may well do the same.

Having said that now is the time to start the ball rolling if you feel that he will need help to overcome his fears because the waiting lists tend to be very long.

Be prepared to be told that what you are describing is normal 3 year old behaviour. Sometimes the extreme nature of a child's behaviour can be hard to get across when asking for help from professionals. Don't be afraid to go back repeatedly if you feel your concerns have not been taken seriously.

In the meantime keep reassuring him that he doesn't have to say or do certain things to keep people safe and see if you can find ways to help him to try not doing them and seeing what happens. It's all about helping him to feel less anxious and to realise that his routines aren't needed to stop bad things happening.

Repetitive behaviours and liking routines can be a sign of Autism spectrum also.

However I would also say that could just be a normal phase. I think they go through a bumptious time the year before they start school where they feel sooooo grown up and think they know it all.

The seat belts sounds really like something a lot of children do. He's just worried you might forget and do it first, and you probably have at times.

The routine may just be he finds it fun/funny/saw someone else doing it. It's not necessarily a sign of anything else, but I would get him observed as early intervention is better.

I think all mine have developed little rituals at various points, that they've grown out of without any intervention. With dd2 it used to be the same conversation at lunch time. I'd tell her it was lunch time and she'd immediately say "I'll have chocolate please" and it would go downhill from there. We had the same conversation I think every weekday lunchtime for about 6 months, She never got chocolate (or the other things she wanted) but asked every single time.

Sounds normal to me.

I would impress on him that he mustn't undo car belts until you say so, make that part of his routine, you will have to wait for him to undo yours too, ideally, to keep him sweet, that's his reward if he waits for your signal (I know it's a nuisance, but a small one to keep the peace).

Mine have all had their own little rituals & routines at that sort of age. My 4yo especially likes routine, loves to be stuck in his ways, ie:

He has to put the microwave on for his own porridge, every step of that he must do (turn on at wall, open door, put in, close door, set times, press power buttons on and off)
Spoon must never be inserted in his porridge
He must choose his spoon
He must put sugar on porridge

He asks the same exact questions every time we read certain pages of certain books, night after night after night. Loves the routine of it. Says the exact same things in response to certain sights around town, every single time.

He could have enormous meltdown if any of that doesn't happen his way. Lots more examples. I can't explain how I know this, but I just know he's the normal level of fussy for his age.

On the plus side he's easy to put to bed, it's all routine. :)

It sounds like controlling behaviour to me and i would guess that this may have something to do with the change in the situation with his Dad and a new baby. It sounds pretty normal to me.

I have an adopted DS who turns 3 in a few days. He came to us at 18 months and his behaviour was very controlling and we had a number of rituals. This is very common in adopted kids and has to do with things in their lives having being out of their control so their anxiety levels are higher. I also see the same behaviour in some of my friends birth kids when they have a big change in their lives. I let him do his rituals. They were a pain in the arse at times but i just went with it and it has got less and less over time.

I wouldn't do time out for tantrums. If he is tantrumming because of his anxiety levels then time out is just going to increase that. Punishment for tantrums are not ideal as that gives the message that extreme emotions are unnaceptable, and they are in adulthood, but unless small kids are allowed to get themselves worked up they never learn to bring themselves down again - which is an important lesson for the rest of their lives. He needs to know that you care that he's upset too and not rejecting him just because he's upset/cross.

My DS melts down very rarely (i think because we have been taught to be very tuned in to his anxiety levels so we are now better able to foresee the signs) but if he does i will hold him. If he won't let me hold him (or he's thrashing so much that i'd get hurt if i did) i sit close and tell him that when he's finished to come for a cuddle. As soon as he starts to calm i get him on my knee and hold him close.

Hope that helps.

My nephew was very similar at the same age. He had rituals and routines that he had to do.
Sil saw the GP, who said 3-4 is a very common age for OCD and other anxiety disorders, as the child is becoming more aware of the world around them, and that it doesn't revolve around them. Sticking to rituals can help some dc feel safe.
Sil was told to stop punishing tantrums, and to add to the rituals slowly to eventually dissolve them. They used loads of distraction techniques.
It took time, but it worked.