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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

have a horrible feeling my reaction was abusive, or understandable?

20 replies

fattybum · 03/09/2012 13:20

Really coming to the end of my teather with school hols.

Ds1, 6.3, just said arsehole. I didn't hear him and it wasn't in temper, just silliness, but ds2 told me. They were in the garden, but when I told him off he said he only said it quietly. Told him he'd lost computer time as punishment, so he said good cockily. So annoyed that I said he'd now lost apple pie after lunch as well. Again he said good.

I should have just ignored him, but instead I told him I didn't even want to eat with him I was so disgusted with the language, then moved away. He then said thanks, didn't want to eat with you anyway. At this point I flipped, threw his lunch in the bin and sent him upstairs.

I know it only escalated because I kept reacting, but I just can't stand the attitude and that's the third time he's sworn recently. I feel like I've completely lost my tolerance with him and sick of the disrespect.

He's not always like this, but just feels so bloody relentless.

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Amiable · 03/09/2012 13:28

Oh i can totally sympathise. just recently I feel like (nearly) every conversation with DD (6.5) is a confrontation. She's got the the silent insolence down pat, and the look's she gives me are awful - real killers sometimes. It's so hard isn't it? i know I'm the adult etc, but honestly it just winds me up so much! In the last week DD has missed out on tv time twice, no treats/dessert twice, been sent to the naughty step about 5 times (lost track!) and missed bedtime stories once - that's pretty much the worst punishment for her as she loves her books.

I'm afraid I have no answers either - just wanted you to know you are not alone!

Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 13:47

I feel pathetic. I should have stuck to the first punishment then ignored the cheek, but suddenly I become another 6 year old.

I know it's because we've spent the last six weeks together with virtually no break, but I get this horrible feeling i'm doing long term emotional damage.

He says I expect him to be perfect, and I do think my expectations are too high, it's just so hard getting the balance right between allowing him to be a disrespectful brat, and not allowing him to be a child. I'm tired.

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Frontpaw · 03/09/2012 13:54

It sounds like he was just pushing it and you pushed back. Sometimes a bit of a shock will pull them back from irritating-little-soandso-ness. You can't be the patient parent all the time - they need to learn that being cheeky is not a good thing. You don't want them trying it out on a teacher do you?

I won't let DS get away with this as I just fast forward ten years when he will be a big hairy bloke and wants to borrow the car!

TyrannoWearsGoldKnickers · 03/09/2012 13:56

DS is still too small for any of this (only has a handful of words) but last year I went on holiday with my then 6 year old DN (without his mum) who behaved just like this. Third day into the holiday he consistently misbehaved and answered back and when I said I didn't think we could go out for dinner after all, because he couldn't be trusted to behave appropriately, he rolled his eyes and said 'Oh, big whoop' I did not know what to do, I was so gobsmacked at how teenagery he was.

So I suppose the point I'm making is I don't think your DC is unusual for being like this at his age and your reactions are perfectly understandable. If it makes you feel any better now at the age of 7 DN is back to his lovely self most of the time

Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 14:04

That's it, I don't want him thinking he can speak to me or anyone like this. He's pretty good about 80% of the time and I do feel he's just discovering new behaviors and testing them out. Some of his friend's are much worse than him, but I still get that niggling doubt oh no, he's turning into a monster!

Frontpaw, you say you don't let ds1 get away with this, how do you respond?

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Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 14:10

Just thought, this sort of trouble usually happens when we haven't been out of the house. Am I being unrealistic to think staying at home all day with 6 and 4 year old boys might be pleasant?

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Frontpaw · 03/09/2012 14:13

I have a look. Not sure what it is but he covers hios eyes and says 'noooooo mummy, not that face!'. I suppose its how I lool when he knows he's gone too far!

Normally I stop, look him in the face and say 'no' until he stops then remind him that 'I will not have a child who is cheeky'. I point out that other kids may get away with it but they are not my respnsibility and I can't tell them off. Then I threaten to sell him on ebay and he laughs and apologises. He is a good kid but gets carried away, especially when he's seen too much rubbish on tv and tries to copy the 'smart alec' responses and jokes.

Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 14:21

Will have to try the look cos I can't stand cheekiness and can see he's getting to that age! So far he doesn't do it with other adults.

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PurplePidjin · 03/09/2012 14:23

You didn't swear, you didn't call undermine his confidence, and you didn't hit him.

You imposed consequences for inappropriate behaviour.

Where's the problem? I would also be expecting him to apologise btw

Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 14:33

I think I just feel I go overboard sometimes, maybe overreacting because I don't know how to react in the right way. He did apologize in the end, and he's actually very good at apologizing in general.

I'm feeling worse because I really had a go at both of them yesterday for repeatedly interrupting me on the phone. Plopped them on the sofa and told them never to interrupt me again unless they were dying because I'm fed up of it. But I mean really shouted til my throat hurt. I don't do this often, to the point that ds1 said "you've never done that before mummy". I just don't want to be exploding at them every day.

Oh well, schools back Wednesday!

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PurplePidjin · 03/09/2012 14:42

They're pushing boundaries - they will only feel safe if the fence is secure - and you are allowed to have feelings too.

Are they fed, watered and adequately clothed? Do they have access to medicine, education and toys? Do you tell them you love them, hug them and read them bedtime stories? Then you're doing it right!

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 03/09/2012 14:48

Oh I lost it yesterday when my 6 year old son withered me when I asked him a question (which I apparently had already asked) and said in the most horrible tone " I will explain it more slowly so that even you can understand" It was such a put down, I didnt even know he could talk like that. And I know you shouldnt say it, but he had such a look of triumph on his face that he had got to me, I wanted to punish him, like give him the worst punishment, cancel christmas or something type of punishment I would say your reactrion is normal. The fact that you feel guilty or horrible after is natural. I would be concerned if you treated him like shit on a regular basis and didnt care. Maybe he might think twice!

shoppingbagsundereyes · 03/09/2012 14:48

What about ds2's punishment for being a super grass? I would discourage them trying to get one another into trouble. I tend to ignore anything said quietly or reported by one dc, not worth escalating.

Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 14:49

All of the above, purplepidjin.

So you think this is just boundary pushing, part of the territory, and i'm doing ok?

I think I just need to have faith in my abilities and keep pushing on. It's just so damn hard!

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Frontpaw · 03/09/2012 14:49

Yes - I agree! Trying it on for size and they will edge it a bit further and further. You do need to stamp on it sooner rather than later before you have no control!

Original poster

fattybum · 03/09/2012 14:55

You're probably right, I should have told ds2 I didn't hear it so i'm not interested. He is very much a supergrass! Very goody two shoes, but has his moments.

Ds1 actually called me "woman" yesterday! Told him never to call me that again, i'm his mum and that's what he must call me. Where do they get this stuff from, though, no one talks like that around them? A budding male chauvinist...

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PurplePidjin · 03/09/2012 16:09

Sounds like you've got a bloody long way to go before you hit "abusive" at least

shoppingbagsundereyes · 03/09/2012 16:55

I think kids go through cheeky phases. I try to ignore all poor behaviour that is not unsafe. Once you react their brain registers the behaviour more than if you did not react. So save reaction for praiseworthy stuff and give minimal reaction to rudeness etc.
This is difficult to practice in public as other people tend to expect/demand rude kids get a telling off.

noblegiraffe · 03/09/2012 17:18

I think when he replied 'good' I'd have said 'glad we're agreed, now come and help me lay the table' or some other way of disarming the cheekiness. Once the escalation starts it's very difficult to back out of and what was a minor incident becomes a major issue.

Kids know all the right buttons to press though, and sometimes you just can't help reacting. We're all only human!

MamaBear17 · 03/09/2012 19:18

I think you reacted understandably, but in order to avoid a breakdown in your relationship you do need to avoid arguing with him (much easier said than done). I agree with noblegiraffe, a quick comment that distracts rather than fuels the behaviour is needed. Dont be so hard on yourself, you really arent at all abusive!

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