2.10yo separation anxiety?

[Tweetinat]

DS is 2.10 and is extremely clingy and anxious when he is not with me. I am self employed working a daytime job a couple of days a week and then an evening job one night a week. DS has been going to a CM for a year now, and although he initially was fine to go, will now get hysterical when he knows its a CM day and will wail and cry right until I walk out of the door.

The problem now, is that this anxiety about not being with me is getting worse even when he's with DH. DH has always done the bathtime routine, but now as soon as we mention the 'B' word, DS looks at me and says 'with you Mummy, not Daddy'. If DH tries to take him upstairs on his own, DS gets hysterical - kicking out, screaming, scratching and it takes DH a good 2 - 3 HOURS to get him into bed asleep. Obviously not ideal when I need to be out of the house one night a week. DH and I are torn about dealing with this, as he feels that on the 6 nights that I AM here, that I should do the Bath/Bed routine, but the problem is that this is when I normally do paperwork etc, so I am getting seriously behind on work. He feels that if we have a choice, then we shouldn't make DS get so upset, but I partly feel that this isn't helping the problem and making it worse for the times that I DO have to go out.

It's getting worse, once DS was in bed we'd be able to leave him, but now he is constantly crying out for me to go upstairs as 'he's scared'. If we leave him, it escalates and gets horrible as he's so hysterical. We've tried leaving him for 2/5/10/20 mins etc before going up and calming him and it does work BUT I'm the only one who can do it. Last night I only went up once and he was asleep but DH feels that if I'm not around then it will go on all night.

DS also won't go anywhere with DH if he knows I'm around, (even it's somewhere fun like softplay). Yesterday, DH went to the dump whilst I went to the shop and we only had a carseat in DHs car, so DS has to go with him. He screamed the entire 40 minute round trip and only stopped when I got home.

I desperately need some help and advice on how to deal with these issues as DH and I are virtually killing each other as I'm so resentful that I can't work and DH is resentful that I'm leaving him to deal with these situations. I don't have to work and do it because it's something I love, but DH isn't totally onboard so it's making him more resentful. I'm also resenting DS as I don't get any evenings or free space away from him! He also starts preschool next week and I can't bear the thought of him being like this every session. TIA.

I'm really sorry this is a quick reply, but have you tried you and DH doing the bedtime together? Just for a few nights, then see if you can have a night off?

Marking my place - I've got a few ideas (DS 2.8 is similar) but am off out all day so will pop back later or tomorrow when I've time to post. :)

Elizabeth Pantley has some great ideas in the No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution. I bet there's something in there which might help, especially with starting preschool.

I wonder whether a developmental leap is making it worse at the moment? DS is always worse when he's working on something new e.g. he has a meltdown if I move too far away from the pushchair at the market (ie more than 2 feet) whereas normally he's okay with that nowadays.

I believe sleep / anxiety issues are much more common as they approach 3 - they start to get worried and scared about all sorts of things which didn't bother them before. DS has suddenly developed a fear of going upstairs on his own as he's worried the smoke detector will go off when he walks underneath it. It's only recently he's been able to tell us that, though - before, he'd just kick up a fuss about going upstairs on his own if I sent him to get something.

Has he recently dropped his nap? Is he eating regularly enough? DS is much worse when tired (he's in the process of dropping his nap) or when hungry. Although clingyness/separation anxiety has been an issue for about 2 years now, preferring me to DH hasn't really been a problem. But the last couple of days, when he's been particularly tired & feeling under the weather, he's had some real meltdowns because he didn't want to even see DH, let alone have him dress him etc.

How do you respond to his worries? Do you try to distract him, or do you validate his feelings? Responding in a sympathetic way works best for my DS and attempts at distraction almost always make things worse. Something like, "It's horrible, isn't it, when I have to go out without you? You feel all upset. It's difficult, but we can look forward to playing later when I come home," seems to work.

Does he feel he has control over much in his life? Does you tend to give him choices? I wonder whether some of the tantrum-like behaviour could be because it's the only way he feels he can make himself heard? I think our DS is unusual in that he is very open to reason (for a child his age) but he responds very well to being offered a couple of choices. So we might say that DH is going to dress him, but he can choose whether I come and give him a kiss beforehand, or before and afterwards. Feeling a bit in control of part of the situation helps him cope with being told what to do in another part of the situation.

I wonder whether he worries that you won't come back once you're gone. Perhaps reading books about children/animals who get separated from their parents and then find them again might help - with constant reassurance that mothers always come back for their children.

Do you manage to have some good one-on-one time with him when you are at home, to top up his emotional tank? I find this really hard to do as I'm always trying to catch up on jobs.

Another idea would be to try role-playing some of the situations e.g. with puppets or cuddly toys. If it's teddy who is scared of going to bed on his own, your DS might be more able to talk about what the problem is than if you ask him why he's worried about it.

There are lots of suggestions on old threads on the sleep board about helping children this kind of age deal with bedtime fears - things like 'protective' cuddly toys, anti-monster spray, dream catchers etc. If you can get some idea of what he's actually worried about at bedtime, it'd be easier to implement, obviously.

If you do decide that you're prepared to put him to bed on the nights you're not out, it'd seem fair for your DH to do an equivalent length of time's worth of jobs that you'd usually do so that you can catch up on your paperwork.