Anxious about 3 yr old ds's behaviour and the impact it will have on both of us when he starts preschool

[MrTumblesCrackWhore]

Ds1 will be starting pre-school next week and he has always been quite a challenging child - very loving, creative and funny but very spirited, demanding and energetic. To put it mildly, he is the child that, by the end of a playgroup session, everyone knows his name. He is hugely improved now from, say, a year ago but I've found social situations with other mums and their dcs very hard as, despite doing all I can to control his behaviour, we've been at the receiving end of some very mean spirited and judgemental comments. I've managed to keep a social life going - just - with some close NCT friends whose dcs ds always used to play with quite well (although he tells me he doesn't like them now)

I have been a little scarred by my experiences and have limited the visits to playgroups and softplay as I felt we were getting trapped in a cycle of negativity. Now that ds is due to start pre-school (and he will be the youngest there as his birthday was last week) I'm worried about meeting new mums and becoming known as the mother of 'that' child. I'm particularly anxious about the fact that all these mums will live locally as I've enjoyed relative anonymity in our area up until now.

To clarify about ds, he is a very emotional child - prone to dramatic outbursts of crying for even the slightest thing (like thinking he has lost a toy when it's just fallen down the side of the sofa), feels things quite strongly and has definite likes and dislikes for people. He is quite vehement about who, out of his friends, he dislikes and won't let it go. He only really gels with kids much older than him and can be very kind to babies and younger toddlers but has issues with his peers - sharing is a nightmare and has gone in phases of being aggressive too. He has never been much of a child who properly tantrums, it, however, has always been more a constant battle of the wills - he needs to do things in a certain way and has very little patience and gets frustrated when things don't pan out the way he wants. All his family love him to bits but I'm still very sensitive to their sympathetic comments about their perception of him as just, well, 'more'. All of my friends' and family's children who are around the same age are so much easier - yes, they have their moments, but in general they are easier to manage in social situations.

I'm convinced that, as he matures, these quirks of his nature will dissipate into insignificance but what I don't want to happen is for him to get labelled this early by the parents of the children he will be spending most of his time with in the future (the preschool is part of the same primary as he will attend next year)

Anyone else feel like this?

have you talked to the staff at the pre-school - they will be used to a whole range of behaviours - and suggest they might appriciate a heads up
my friend had a DS a bit like this -not quite the same issues -but you certainly knew he was there - and he did settle down loads - and actually pre-school really helped - the structure and being kept busy helped a lot

sounds normal to me! when they hit 3 they can become a lot trickier to handle as they can vocalise their feelings. so they are quick to make their honest opinions and egar to share them
my dd is different to your ds but has her individual qualities
nursery will help and as long as he isn't violent he will be fine (ie other children won't remember anything negative about him)

Thanks anothername and buggyrunner

We have a home visit next week prior to him starting so although I can't be the one to be here (I'm a teacher too), I've already started to prep dh about what to say and questions to ask.

Ds did go to morning playgroup sessions at a local nursery (ie. without me being there) twice a week for 2 terms until the summer and it did do him the world of good. Actually thinking about it, his behaviour has regressed since he finished there so perhaps it will be a positive thing once he returns to a more structured environment. His perception of friendships has been a more recent problem - after each encounter with one of his friends which is negative (ie, they cry or do something to upset him), he remembers his 'dislike' and a child who has previously been a good playmate, is suddenly kicked to the curb, and it takes a lot for him to like them again once that negative memory has become ingrained (and he has a memory like an elephant)

He has been a bit of hitter and pusher in the past, but no real incidences at nursery so hopefully that won't be too much of an issue.

I think what I'm very aware of is how negative I sound about him, and tbh, the problematic aspects of his behaviour, are only one (hopefully, transitory) part of him - given the right situation, he can be incredibly funny and charming, and those who happen to get him on the good days, say he's wonderful, which of course he is - but it's often human nature to fixate on the negatives, isn't it?

Fingers crossed.

He actually sounds exceptionally bright, and i am wondering if he will in fact benefit from the variety and structure offered at pre-school. Agree it's worth speaking to his carers and explaining your concerns - they certainly will have strategies for dealing with all kinds of children. I actually think it's a shame when people think 'spirited' children need taming (which is your concern about other people's perception). They don't. They need people with the skills and abilities to help them channel and focus their spirit positively. 'Quirks' are good. You don't sound negative about him, you sound like you love him but know his limits and are sensibly looking ahead to resolve potential problems in advance.

I hope I don't sound like a terrible parent here but I'm looking forward to pre-school starting so that somebody else is responsible for managing DD as well as me! With DD I feel like lots of the over-dramatic behaviour is boredom and your DS sounds like lots of other 3 yr old boys I know (especially the bright ones). I think that's why they start formal education at this age - they are sooooo ready for it!!

my dd also constantly comments on behaviour (she is v good in public)
she will even say to other children - wow you have been a lot better behaved today and not hit me!

You may find he is totally different at nursery. My ds3 can be quite challenging, as could ds1, but the nursery, and now school, have never had any problems with either of them.

I met one of the teachers outside the school one day last week and was telling her that it was ds2's birthday and commiserating at how quickly the years are going by. She told me how lucky I was to have such a lovely family . I mentioned ds3's 'unpredictable' behaviour and she was really surprised saying how well behaved he is in school. Fortunately I had shut the car door as he was already kicking off inside!

I am just relieved I'm not the only one! It's horrible feeling like that about your DS but it is very hard being the Mum of a hitter or a biter..particularly when you work so hard to prevent it. I'm off to play group tomorrow..dreading it! Must stay positive! Good luck!

I think also that get together with mums and children is can be quite a high pressure enviroment at that age - the children get very excited - or at least my DS and his friend did - and the mums want their children to behave - whereas at pre-school if there is a bit of a spat its all over and sorted by the teacher -

Thank you all for your responses. It is comforting to know I'm not tbe only one feeling like I'm the one starting school (well , preschool) for the first time, not him.

Funnily enough, today he's mostly been an angel. We saw some friends with two slightly older children and - this probably makes me a very bad person - but I delighted in the fact they were the ones playing up, not ds. He was almost cowed into submission by the stroppy and explosive outbursts from our friends' 5 year old! He initially looked slightly bewildered that it was the other kids getting told off, but then rose to the occasion and was a model child. He even voluntarily took himself off round the garden picking dandelion leaves for the family guinea pigs.