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DD1 aged 4 - violent tantrums.

5 replies

MrsJaneyT · 01/09/2012 19:24

The majority of the time my DD is lovely, but when she loses it she is a danger to herself and others (usually me). I give her warnings, I always follow through with threats, I use time out and take away toys etc, but once she flips there's no stopping her. She was a difficult baby and, from birth, has always had a temper.

She bites, scratches, throws things, kicks, breaks things, pulls my hair, tells me she hates me - she's like a wild animal. There really is no containing her. When she's like this there is no where I can put her that is safe. I try to stay calm, but often end up shouting.

Advice please. Also (silently praying) has anyone else had a daughter like this who has completely grown out of this?

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Goldmandra · 02/09/2012 13:19

When she's really lost it she is probably unable to think logically or process language. For that reason it isn't worth trying to intervene and you're probably best concentrating on keeping her, you and property as safe as possible until it blows over.

Unfortunately I don't think it's possible as a parent to be trained on restraining children safely because we have no insurance or supervision. If you can create a space where the damage she causes is limited and she's lees likely to her herself or anyone else it may help. Being allowed to work through her anger without being restrained will probably help her to get over it more quickly.

Once she's calmed down she needs to be asked to make amends. This should be tidying up any mess she's made, apologising for hurting people, if she's broken anything of her own it doesn't get replaced for a while.

This isn't a punishment. It is learning that your actions have consequences and it will give her an incentive to learn to control her actions when she's angry.

KateShmate · 02/09/2012 13:44

Just wanted to say that my 4YO (5 at the end of the month) DD2 is exactly the same; like yours she has been like this since a baby.
She is a beautiful and lovely little girl, but can be so, so stubborn.
Tantrums like this can start from first thing in the morning - if a pair of pants aren't 'comfy' or 'the right ones' and we haven't got time to change then she will literally go absolutely mental and even once she has managed to get out of the tantrum, she will continually go on and on and on...

My DD, once in a rage, will start biting herself, banging her head on the floor, pull her own hair etc etc, but she has started this new thing where instead of just shouting around, crying and having a strop, she will actually scream over and over again, its as though she is being murdered or something; and it is sooo hard to listen to it too.
The new screaming business usually leaves her hoarse, with a sore throat, bright red and with sweat dripping down her face from all the effort!
When she used to be sent to her bedroom she would strip the beds, pull all clothes out of wardrobe and drawers, tip dolls house upside down - basically destroy her bedroom.

I don't know what techniques you've tried already, but we've tried virtually everything. Instead of sending her to her own bedroom, we stripped down a spare bedroom to literally nothing (i.e nothing that she can throw or hurt herself with) and she is sent there to calm down. Recently she has started needing me to go and calm her down, whereas before she would stay there until she stopped - no matter how long it took, and would go crazy if I went up to see her/calm her down. Often she will refuse to go to her bedroom, but I will just carry her up regardless and put her in the spare bedroom - I then calmly tell her that she can 'come downstairs when she has calmed down'. If she comes out then I just take her back to the room - never getting angry, but firmly telling her that she needs to calm down. This basically continues until she stays there and calms down.
Like I said, the past few weeks I have been leaving her on her own for a while, but then going up and asking her if she wants me to sit with her (a few months ago she would have screamed at me to leave her alone). I try not to cuddle her (as harsh as that sounds) as it may be seen as 'rewarding' her for bad behaviour, but at the same time she needs help to get her out of the tantrum.
Once totally calmed down we talk about how silly it is to get so angry about something, and she is made to apologise.

We've found the worst thing to do is shout, I know that it is sooo hard not to because they are going absolutely crazy - but all it does is start to annoy you and get you more angry, and then DD will start sensing the anger and will wind her up even more until all of us are worse than we were at the beginning! Its important that they know you aren't happy, but at the same time getting angry is virtually pointless.

I know this hasn't been much help OP, but its sometimes reassuring to hear from other parents who have wild animals too! Grin

Wafflenose · 02/09/2012 14:32

My two have both been like this. They both had awful, terrible tantrums and no amount of reasoning (or anything else) ever worked - we simply had to leave them to get over it. The best thing I found was sitting in the same room, so keeping an eye on them, or putting them in the hall and standing nearby, and totally ignoring, although it was more like pretending to ignore!

DD1 was a demanding baby and turned into the tantrum queen. She had daily loud, violent meltdowns from 1y3m until 4y3m, when she gradually started to improve. When she started school, she improved dramatically, as school was taking up most of her energy I think, and she was getting reinforcement about good behaviour there. Now, at nearly 7, she's usually calm, incredibly mature, and really well behaved!

DD2 is 4, and starting to improve, although she is the most awkward child I've ever met, and just can't cope if she doesn't get everything exactly her way. Of course, she DOESN'T get whatever she wants, but she's starting to huff, puff and strop instead of having a screaming tantrum. She self harms when she's angry too - scratching and punching herself, although she's stopping biting other people. All her friends seem so ready for school, and I worry that she's not yet mature enough to go. I have a feeling she's about to grow up fast though.

It WILL get better.

MrsJaneyT · 02/09/2012 21:15

Thank you. It's unbelievably reassuring to hear that other people have children who behave in exactly the same way.

Our house is pretty cluttered, but I'm going to clear a room so there's somewhere for her to go. I'm going to try to stay calm and not shout at her. Also, one thing I hadn't even considered was the cuddling - thanks KateShmate - I'm definitely guilty of rewarding her bad behaviour with affection.

Oh and first thing tomorrow she can help 'no more nails' her rocking horse back together.

OP posts:
KateShmate · 03/09/2012 20:14

No problem MrsJaney - its nice for me to talk to other mums too as I dont know anyone any with a child as crazy as DD2!
Is your DD starting school this week?
My DD is and she is soooo ready - she is 5 at the end of the month, but was ready to go to school last year to be honest.
I do wonder whether she is quite bright and so is really bored at home and getting frustrated?

I know what you mean about the cuddling - you are just so relieved that the tantrum is finally over and that the house is still standing, that you reassure them and cuddle them. Like I explained, I don't just ignore DD, but I try to reassure her with my voice, rather than cuddling her.

Hope she managed to 'nail' her rocking horse back together Grin

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