At the end of my tether, please advise.

[PeppermintLatte]

i would really appreciate some advice regarding my DD (she'll turn 3 in a few weeks)

she spends alot of time with my aunt, who is like another mum to me and was very involved in my upbringing, my DD is like a granddaughter to her. my aunt see's no wrong in any of her behaviour and will not discipline her. i sometimes have to work weekends (as does DH) so aunt offers to have her for overnight stays when this is the case, this is the main reason she sees her so much. i really appreciate it, but i don't think it's doing DD any favours, it is however, doing aunt favours, she is lonely and adores my DD's company.

ok, yesterday aunt took DD for a day out, along with 3 of my other aunts and their grandchildren. my DD is a bolter and often tries to leg it when she is with me, so i explained to DD that she must not run away, how dangerous it is etc.. she must be good or she will get no presents for her 3rd birthday next month. i told her how she must be kind and share with her cousins and play nicely etc.. before i go on, let me tell you that i put a hell of alot of effort into raising a child that shares, plays nicely, is polite and does as she is told by adults, i am not afraid to discipline her, i am firm and it seems to work, she has the odd bad day, but on the whole does as i say and is a good kid when she is with me, sometimes when i discipline her she will cry for my aunt though. she is also brilliant in nursery, no problems sharing and never hits another child unless she is hit first. the nursery are very happy with her behaviour. when she is with my aunt and i am there, he behaviour is really poor, she has an attitude and thinks she can boss other kids around, she throws tantrums and generally behaves like a brat, when i intervene aunt says "leave her, she's only a baby" my aunt molly coddles her and still offers her a dummy and bottle for bed when she doesn't have these things at my house.

anyway, after their day out i rang one of my other aunts to ask how the day had gone. she was very honest with me and said "your DD was very naughty, constantly running away, smacking her cousins, refusing to go in her buggy and just generally misbehaving" she said she didn't want to have to tell me as other aunt said not too, but she believed i need to know as the constant running away in a packed place was obviously dangerous. she also said she knows my DD would NEVER have behaved that badly had i been there. she said it kind of spoiled the day for the other kids.

it might not sound too bad to you all, but it's really getting me down, it's like this all the time lately and i'm heartbroken. it's becoming apparant that if i let my aunt keep having her then she is going to be a horrible child i feel i have no choice but to cut my hours at work and not do weekends. (self employed so it's do-able, although we will struggle even more financially)

can anyone please advise what you would do? please be honest with me, have i created a horrible child? maybe it's not my auntie's fault and it's just my DD's true behaviour? i am crying typing this i love DD more than life itself but i feel so disappointed in her. will she ever stop the running off? it's so dangerous and i don't feel that i can now even ever leave her with my own mum or inlaws as it's too risky.

Sorry your so upset, i empathise. Not too sure i have any answers to your predictament only to say that my two dcs were bolters and it does pass. Does it make your aunt anxious when she runs? If not then your dd probably isn't in any danger. Your aunt sounds like shes a huge help to you and your family so be careful not to cut your nose of etc Why not speak to her?? Say that you had a chat with one of the other aunties and they told you about your dd behavior. Perhaps you could broach it by asking what 'we' (you and your aunt) can do about her behaviour and then you can establish some ground rules with your aunt.
We dont have any family at all near us and i often think my dcs miss out on the benefits of being with adults other then just mum and dad.
And of course your dd is 3 and prone to bad behaviour (in my experience anyway) I suppose my advise would be not to make any hasty decisions.

If she behaves well for you, then you're probably not storing up too many issues on that front.
She sounds in no way a horrible child - it just sounds as though she's clever enough to have figured out that different individuals in the family allow her different leeways. In a way, that's good for when she's older, having an understanding that different people and households do things different ways (sorry, bit of a clumsy way to put it - what I'm trying to say is that adaptability to a situation is a good trait to have).

On the 'running away' issue though, as that is dangerous, I think you will need to have a word with your aunt. Maybe buy one of those 'Little Life' type back-packs and explain that DD must wear this when out and that the other end must be attached to aunt.

Let the other issues slide for the moment though - it's not as though she's demanding the bottles etc., at yours.

Sound like your DD is just lively and confident which, while it has its own challenges, is a good way to grow up!

Thank you so much for your valuable replies, made me feel alot better.

I just find it hard to watch her turn into a major brat when she's with my aunt, other family members are starting to find her unlikeable, i think.

She's a fiesty kid & that's great, but i cannot have her misbehaving like she did on the day out on a regular basis. My aunt has no control over her & allows her to rule the roost, she then assumes it'll be the same once she's back at home.

Seriously, this is IN NO WAY your DD's fault - she's only just coming up to three! She has a tiny amount of self control (and by the way I think it was far too harsh to threaten her with no presents for her birthday for these misdemeanours). This whole thing is the fault of the adults who were with her at the time. They knew she was prone to running off, as are most children of that age, and if your aunt(s) can't be bothered to discipline her then they must totally expect her to misbehave with them.

Your child is perfectly normal and is clearly well able to behave properly when she's with you but you have got to either enforce things with your aunt or she just has to spend less time with her. It's obviously doing her no good at all and I'm assuming your aunt has no children of her own otherwise she wouldn't let her run wild like this.

Again, the incidents on the trip out were NOT your DD's responsibility - she's a toddler ffs. She cannot be expected to have that degree of self control. Blame your aunts and do something about this situation.

My dh's parents used to have my ds1 once a week and never seemed to try and control him running around. In fact they later told me they used to take him to a big DIY shop just to lee him run up and down the isles! I think there are two problems with this. Firstly it is not safe. And as your dc gets older and faster it gets more dangerous. Secondly, by allowing my ds1 to believe running around was ok, my dpil simply created a nightmare battle that I then had to spend the next six months fixing. When ever I went out we had issues trying to make him hold my hand and not act like the street was a playground. All in all, him learning this lesson was a LOT more painful than if he'd just been controlled and told to hold hands from the start.

So I would speak to your aunt about that part. The rest w I wouldn't worry about, or at least not at the moment. Leave it for another day and see how you feel then.

thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

i feel so much better knowing that it's not my DD's fault. i am expecting too much from her for her age. i had a strong word with aunt regarding discipline, but i know it went in one ear and out the other so there'll be no more days out without me being there.

Kids can thrive in permissive environments and they can thrive in strict ones but the one thing they can't handle is inconsistency. That's what your DD has right now. I'm really glad to hear you have decided what changes need to be made to ensure she gets consistentcy from now on. I hope the aunt takes it well as she sounds like a nice woman in her way and probably has a lot still to give... But not daycare.