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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Noone will play with dd. She is heartbroken...

19 replies

granarybeck · 14/03/2006 22:11

DD (7)has had group of friends she has played with for past few years. She is in yr 3. For the past few weeks they have all decided they don't want her to play, even her bf. Her class was mixed with another at the start of year and though her friendship group stayed together, a couple of 'new' friends have joined in. That is the only real change. Have kept thinking it will blow over, but every night we have so many tears, she says she feels sick so can't get to sleep or doesn't want to go to school. She has always loved school, is confident and found it easy to join in, so it is so upsetting to see her like this and i feel there isn't much i can do to make it better. I have spoken to the teacher this week, but i guess he can't do too much.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 14/03/2006 22:18

can you invite them over for a party / sleepover / individual playdates

so sad...

NottsMum · 14/03/2006 22:20

I really feel for her (and you as it must be doubly hard watching her go through this). How well do you know any of the other children's parents? Particularly the mum of the best friend? Could you ask her to find out why they're not playing with your daughter? Also, could you perhaps arrange a special outing for your DD and her BF once you've talked to the mum? If you make it just the two of them then there will be no peer pressure on the BF to ignore her (assuming that is the case.

Anyway, that's my immediate thoughts on how to help.

Original poster

granarybeck · 14/03/2006 22:23

Think will try that. I have suggested she invite a 'new' friend round for tea on friday. But don't really know whether that's the right way to deal with it, ie helping her make new friends rather than doggedly trying to get her old friends to be friends again. Its amazing how what seems like such petty things can make you feel so sad on behalf of your kids! They're just not supposed to feel sad for more than a day at their age.

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brimfull · 14/03/2006 22:25

god ,girls can be such bitches.

My dd (14) came home from school today saying that the majority of her group of friends are not speaking to her bfriend.Now after being on msn she thinks they will shun her tomorrow aswell.

This happened to her when she was in yr 6 and it was really upset ,but learnt a valuable lesson and refuses to get involved in any bitching or not speaking to people crap.

I'm sorry it's not much comfort for you or your dd.I agree maybe approaching the bf would help.There is usually one main instigator that the rest of the girls are following.

Original poster

granarybeck · 14/03/2006 22:26

Thanks Nottsmum. Am actually quite good friends with bf's mum, which actually makes it more awkward in some ways. She is quite 'butter wouldn't melt' about her dd and i don't think she realises. They go to each other's house alternate weeks then to a gym class together. They play fine when i'm there, though bf is a bit 'reserved' then the next day bf just ignores dd!

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Original poster

granarybeck · 14/03/2006 22:29

you're right ggirl, i think this will be a good lesson for her on how someone feels if they're left out (though i'm sure she doesn't realise it at the mo!)as i don't think girls always realise how mean they are being at the time, especially when its a group of friends. Got a ds and never had anything like this with him!

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NottsMum · 14/03/2006 23:23

Hi GB. If you want to please let us know what BF mum says. I hope this situation gets resolved really quickly. (Fingers crossed...)

gingernut · 14/03/2006 23:31

Your poor dd . Something similar happened to me at junior school. I found a couple of new friends and then suddenly my old ones wanted to play again. So I would say definitely try to encourage new friends.

expatinscotland · 14/03/2006 23:33

get her into scouts, swim club, ballet, etc. things where she will meet new people who don't go to her school. it's vital to have a network outside of school b/c the world's bigger than that, and the sooner she learns that, the better off she'll be.

handlemecarefully · 14/03/2006 23:36

That's so sad. Personally I would encourage dd to invite a totally new friend (girl from her class not included in this clique) around for a play date so that it looks like she has 'moved on'. This will end the slimey little toe rags power trip - no longer will they have got one over on her. I expect they get a power trip from all this (sorry I have a rather Thomas Hobbes inspired view of the world).

handlemecarefully · 14/03/2006 23:37

Crikey , just read gingernut's post. That's exactly what I am getting at!

Sparklemagic · 15/03/2006 00:12

I had one best friend at school and a sort of 'personable' relationship with everyone else. However my dear BF started getting friendly in the evenings with a girl in our class who had moved to her road. This girl took great delight in splitting us up and I still remember my 6 yr old self shaking with upset in class when my friend refused to come and play with me!

When I told my mum that evening, she listened sympathetically but did not get drawn into the details of it at all. I suppose she must have said something about it all being better within a few days or something and I remember feeling a little bit upset, like she wasn't understanding my upset. However I think now that she was inspired and it must have been quite hard for her to hold off from seeming worried for me - but her no nonsense approach made me feel almost like the upset wasn't worth it and perhaps I was being a bit silly....so I went in the next day not feeling it was the be all and end all of my life..my friend was back within the next day and I'm sure this was because I didn't pander to her but just talked to everyone else.

So it's good advice I think to get other new friends round, and to make sure that your DD is able to 'mingle' with all the kids in her class.

figroll · 15/03/2006 08:57

I think it is easy to put an "adult" perspective on children's relationships which often isn't the right way to look at it. I know how upsetting it is, but sometimes children just grow away from each other as they get older. I am sure that the friend isn't being nasty to your daughter, she just wants to play with someone else. I have always encouraged my two not to have a "best" friend, because it can cause such a lot of problems if they are ill, or have to stay in at playtime, etc. The best thing is to try to get your child to branch out and make new friends. Try not to make a big deal out of it.

My daughter's class used to be split up every year, and one year all her friends were put in the other class. She was very upset, particularly if the class were asked to get into pairs, as no one chose her! She made new friends though as the term went on. I also started to realise that if I was anxious about the situation, she used to get really anxious about it.

Try not to worry and encourage her to make new friends.

georgia73 · 15/03/2006 09:39

Thats so sad for your dd
Is there any way you can do a special treat at the weekend...I don't know if its possible but what about a trip to the movies or theme parkor zoo and a meal..for your dd and 2 or 3 new friends from school.
Just think how jealous the other little cruel girls will be. It will be pricey but oh so worth it to make those other girls think twice.
Don't know were you live but somewhere like Alton Towers would be perfect.
Your dd could take some photos ans take them into school to show her other nicer friends in the class.

Original poster

granarybeck · 15/03/2006 12:09

Thanks everyone. Nottsmum, haven't spoken to bf's mum as i a really don't want to turn it into a big thing. And i think it is the whole group of friends not just her. Handlemec, that's exactly how i'm starting to think of them, i feel awful! Obviously haven't described them like that to dd, have told her she must still be nice to them even though they are upsetting her. Have asked a new friend to come round on friday, and like you say will think of something special to do. She has always really admired her bf and the rest of group, but i think like you say its good for her to get used to playing with new friends and not be so dependent on this group of riends. I think its partly because they've been in the same class since nursery so its a real wrench for her. She already does gym, but some of her friends go too!

When I dropped her off at school today, a girl not in the clique, was going in next to her, so i said that could chloe was feeling a bit sad today so could she do a special job and look after her today. She seemed really pleased to do it so hopefully will be a better day today. She even woke up in tears this morning.

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georgia73 · 15/03/2006 12:24

Thats lovely GB..Iam sure that other little girl will take good care of her today.
Kids love being given a job like that....I bet today will be much better for your DD...let us know.

NottsMum · 15/03/2006 14:01

Hi GB, yes having read everyone else's posts I agree it is more wise to get your daughter to mix with other children. Definitely seems the sensible route!

(My eldest DD is due to start school next month so yet to deal with any major "friends" issues.

I've made a mental note to myself to remember this thread should my DD ever end up in a similar situation....)

I do hope she's had a much better day today.

grumpyfrumpy · 15/03/2006 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

granarybeck · 15/03/2006 20:54

agree about yr 3 grumpyfrumpy, it hasn't helped that sshe had to move from infants to seperate junior school. Its the same children but they do seem to have changed and all gone a bit mad!
She did seem a bit better today but still said she'd spent all playtimes on her own. As someone mentioned earlier I am trying to be careful not to pander to it at the same time as wanting to wrap her up and cuddle her better! So I've tried to be positive and said she's got to try and find one kind person to play with tomorrow, even someone she's never played with before and i'll guess who it is.

I don't know how i'd manage with more than two kids, whenever i think one's sailing along fine its that one that then has a 'trauma'!

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