21 month old refusing bedtime since DH deployed

[Toptack]

My DS has generally settled himself to sleep without much difficulty, but things have taken a turn for the worse since my husband deployed overseas with the army in July. DS initially just needed to be cuddled to sleep, rather than settling in his cot, which was manageable. Then hubby came home for a few days on r&r and since he has left again, bedtime has become a bit of a nightmare... DS screams as soon as I leave the room and becomes hysterical the longer I leave him. I tried to do controlled crying last but after 2 and a half hours of sobbing I caved in and brought him into my bed to sleep - wrong I know, but i was so tired and distressed myself by that point that I couldn't carry on any longer. Does anyone have any good ideas how to get things back on track again?

I really feel for you, this is hard. Would he settle if you sit next to the cot? If you hold his hand? If you sit somewhere in his bedroom?

I have always stayed in mu children's room until they are very sleepy, or asleep. I have two boys and they share a room.

I think that your DS needs the security of having you there knowing that you wont leave him. You could try your usual bedtime routine, then sit next to his cot and wait for him to be drousy, or asleep. Then with time, you could move the chair close to the door, eventually, you could even sit outside the bedroom singing him a song or something.

It is not wrong for you to bring a distressed child in your bed, please don't beat yourself up! Most of us have done it, some by choice, others to try to solve a sleep issue or a confidence issue. Or when a child is upset or ill.

Thank you so much for replying. He does normally settle if I stay and hold his hand but last night I was hand-holding for an hour, he just wouldn't doze off. It was after that I tried the controlled crying (as a last resort) but it wasn't a good plan... We tried it when he was younger and hated it then! It's just so hard for me to tell at the moment between 'boundary testing toddler' behaviour and 'confused and upset little boy who doesn't know where his Daddy has gone' behaviour. Sigh. Anyway, tonight I was all ready with a chair to sit in his room for ages and he fell fast asleep straight away! He was absolutely shattered after last night's shenanigans, clearly. I'll definitely try that approach next time tho.