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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how do i deal with pre-school friends excluding my 3.5yr old DS?

16 replies

yumyummymummy · 13/03/2006 22:32

I have been in tears today as when i picked up my DS and his 'best friend' from pre-school (we do a rota every day) and the BF told my DS I'm going to another boy's house with 3 other boys from the class and you can't come.
This was following another day last week when the BF told my DS that another boy is now his friend and my DS isn;t and the other boy can come and play at his house now instead.
This morning i got down to BFs level and said very firmly we don't say things like that because they are hurtful and if it was said to you you would be hurt wouldn't you. He looked at me with a smirk and i won't confess what went through my head but it wasn't pleasant.
My DS is really sensitive and he doesn't appear to react but i am worried he is hurting inside and am not sure how to handle it, being wary of making an issue of it when i might not need to.
Any advice really welcome.
Also should i be making more of an effort for him to play with other pre-schoolers of same age. At the moment he sees BF maybe once a week but otherwise family most other days and he plays with DS2 who is only a year younger.
I feel so upset for him and am torturing myself with images of him being friendless and bullied at school when he starts in sept............

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angm1 · 13/03/2006 22:39

What a shame. Whats the 'best friends' mum saying about this?

getbakainyourjimjams · 13/03/2006 22:41

oooh this is like ds2- something very similar happening recently (don't want to say too much), and he starts school in September.

I've tried to have a little dig and chat with ds2 in a quiet time but don't get much out of him. He can look upset at the time but soon seems to forget it and be happy again.

I have started ds1 at stagecoach recently- mainly because with a severely autistic brother his out of the house time is quite limited and I thought he needed his own thing. He loves it - is still quite shy around the other children, but has been invited to a birthday party, so it seems to be working for him. I'm not sure its necessary though.

I think maybe at 4 we notice all the nuances more than they do. DS2 seems happy most of the time- seems quite happy to play with ds3 (3 years younger still a a baby), and although his BF left nursery last year seems happy to be there. For a while some girls were winding him up, but I told him they were teasing him and tried to teach him not to respond.

Will your ds know anyone at school (ds2 won't!) - we'll have to support each other.

Original poster

yumyummymummy · 13/03/2006 22:54

angm1. I haven't told her. I am really really scared to but i do want to say something. Its possibly not true but if it is i am going to feel really bad as i think that means the other mum doesn't like me or has been a bit mean excluding my DS as i know she's not friendly with the 4th boys mum.
I told her last week and she said her DS stands up for himself whereas mine just goes quiet which is to some extent true.

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Original poster

yumyummymummy · 13/03/2006 22:58

getbakainyourjimjams - thanks for your reply. I hope you are right about us noticing the nuances more - i suspect you are.
DS will have BF at school but not sure if that's a good thing or not as not sure if he really is a BF now and the boy who had the play date whose mum and I are never going to be good friends (just too different and i feel she looks down on me but could be my insecurity there). Otherwise it is small class of 24 split evenly betwee sexes so that leaves 10 potential boy 'friends'. Am feeling anxious already and wondering what i can do to improve his chances of making friends or is that ridiculous?!!

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ambercat · 13/03/2006 23:06

I had something similar with dd last year at preschool' she asked me how she could make c and e be friends wih her as they would'nt let her play, iwas very upset at the time but one year on she is at school in the same class as c and e and does'nt even play with them as she has made so many other friends!

Original poster

yumyummymummy · 13/03/2006 23:08

ambercat thanks for that - i really hope that's the case for my DS!

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shimmy21 · 13/03/2006 23:15

Please don't worry about your ds at school. children can be brutal at that age and not give it a second thought and friendships do shift around a lot almost day by day at that age. Your ds will make new better friends at school.

Fwiw my ds1 didn't go to the same preschool as nearly all the other boys in his class and almost from day 1 he chummed up with group of 3 boys who'd been there together - they're still best friends 5 years later.
Ds2 went to the preschool, didn't make strong friends there and made friends in reception with a group who hadn't been there.

Good luck -hope your ds keeps dealing with it as well as it sounds he is now.

AussieSim · 13/03/2006 23:16

My 3yo DS is very chatty and he will often tell me who are his friends or not after I pick him up from childcare in the afternoon. I focus on the ones that he says are his friends and how nice they are. One of the boys who is most often in trouble 'J', for being naughty, I stress that we don't necessarily want people like that for friends. I think it must just be a stage that they go through at this age. One day DS1 even said that I wasn't his friend and when I asked him why not he said because Nanny is my friend so I explained that both Nanny and I could be his friend at the same time. Let's face it, it is all down hill from here in regard of the friend situation and dramas in the schoolyard. I already lament what a bad influence 'J' seems to be on the other kids at childcare. Imagine how we will be when they are 14?

Original poster

yumyummymummy · 13/03/2006 23:21

thank you so much for your reassuring words - i shall go off to bed now not quite feeling its the end of the world!
it would be interesting to have any feedback on whether i should talk to BF's mum or not?

good night xxx

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NikkiH · 14/03/2006 13:53

I'd probably take the coward's way out and not mention it to her but would try to encourage other friendships for your DS if possible.

Sometimes children of this age don't realise that you can have more than just one or two friends and if one of your friends doesn't want to play with you then not to worry about it, go and play with someone else. My eldest DS went through this and DS2 is just coming to realise this now.

I'd also echo what the others are saying about not worrying too much about friendships once he starts school as I'm sure he will find like-minded boys to pal up with. When DS1 started school he was separated from his BF as they were in different reception classes. DS1 didn't know a soul in his class and I was really worried for him but it turned out to be the best thing ever as it encouraged him to make new friends who share his interests more than his old BF.

wannaBe1974 · 14/03/2006 14:01

I think it’s so hard when we want our kids to grow up happy and sociable and make lots of friends and that doesn’t always happen the way we’d like it. I do think at this age though that friends come and go, best friend this week probably won’t be best friend next week and vice versa. Kids at this age don’t see friendship in the same way we do, their friends are the ones they play with, but if you moved to a new area they’d be forgotten within a week. Tbh I wouldn’t say anything to the other mum. I don’t think we can make other kids be friends with our children any more than we can force our kids to be friends with other kids they don’t want to be friends with. They have to learn to make and break their own friendships, we can be there for them when their friends upset them, and tell them that it’s not very nice to say hurtful things, but we can’t make friends for our kids.

Callmemadam · 14/03/2006 18:28

Hi yummymummy, this is from mum of 4 - I've got 2 ds and 2 dd and they are all different, but have all met stuff like this at some time. What I would say is this: dd does not need a BF at his age, and so the best way of helping him would be to socialise him with as many other children (boys and girls) as you can between now and september. Be obsessive about it if necc. but make sure you do as much as possible. It teaches him to socialise, it teaches him that the world wants to know him, and it teaches him that other people like him. BF is a bit stronger as a character, and it is normal for children of this age to realise that they can give or withdraw friendship, and that this can upset someone else, but what they can't do at this age is imagine it done to them. Think about a small child saying 'I hate you Mummy' for comparison.

Building a social life for him is THE best thing you can do for him, and THE best start for him before 'real school'. It puts you in charge, and means that you are doing the inviting, not worrying about whether or not he has been excluded from anything. In time, he will be wizzing around the neighbourhood and you will be amazed at his social development! . Do hope this is helpful.

Sparklemagic · 14/03/2006 19:15

yummymummy, my honest feeling is that this 'best friend' idea is an adult concept (for children of 3.5, I mean!)

My DS is still at the stage where he simply isn't fussed about being friends with other children - he can take them or leave them (and usually leaves them!) I would really advise that you relax completely about this issue - it's not even an issue. He needs to have opportunities to play with and around other children, and experience making (and of course breaking) friends as this is part of childhood - but TBH I honestly think your worries should be put on ice until he is in year 1 at least.

It's perfectly usual and normal for four year olds to still be playing alongside others (I see a good mixture at my sons' pre-school, where some children have obvious friendships and some simply play with (or argue with!) whoever is closest to them at that moment....

I think it matters to your DS 99% LESS than it matters to you at the moment. Obviously you want him to be happy, of course, but take all this BF stuff with a huge pinch of salt and certainly don't get involved in trying to sort out the friendship 'isues' yourself, you'll drive yourself round the bend by year one of school if you do in my opinion!

Original poster

yumyummymummy · 16/03/2006 09:38

thank you so much for all your wise words many of which really hit home. callmemadam i will go for it on the socialising front i think you are so right there i have been feeling it for a while. I have quite a lot of family and they all want their day with the boys which means i only have one afternoon free a week to do playdates. I am going to change that now and put my DS first... might be back on here about emotional blackmail or guilt inducing behaviour when that happens....

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RedTartanLass · 16/03/2006 10:49

yumyummymummy - you've had some brill advice on this thread and I'm glad you're feeling more confident. As for "blackmailing" relatives, you do what's best for your kids!!

If you think it's going to be too hard to reduce the time spent visiting them, why don't you invite them to come with you to a Mums and Tots session, or whatever new activities you're going to introduce.

Good luck wwhatever you do and keep us updated!!!

Callmemadam · 16/03/2006 13:24

You go for it, Yummymummy! DS comes first, and speaking as one with a manipulative control freak for a mother, they do get used to it if you are firm and do your own thing. (Do luve mum, btw, just eyes now firmly open )

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