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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

question for supporters of the tanya byron method of dealing with tantrumy toddlers

42 replies

eastendgirl · 13/03/2006 21:04

Since last Thursday my normally fairly reasonable 2 1/2 year old toddler is having terrible tantrums, anything will set him off, for instance the use of the wrong cup for his milk, asking him to switch the telly off, telling him i cannot pick him up because i am busy etc. I am using the T B methods to deal with it, giving lots of praise, lots of playing, ignoring the screaming, time out if the screaming gets out of hand and I cannot bear, I don't reward and give in to the tantrums. Anyway, today he spent more time having tantrums than being normal, absolutely awful. I also give him lots of warnings when nice things are coming to an end, I encourage him to do stuff by himself, lots of running around in the park, good diet,sleeps lots, around 13/14 hours, etc. How long can I expect this sort of behaviour to go on for, the screaming gets me down, i feel I am being a bad mum to him.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

staceym11 · 14/03/2006 10:37

i cuddle dd after a tantrum, once shes quiet again i tell her shes a good girl and can have a cuddle. even when she was little and timed out on my lap she still wanted a cuddle afterwards (though it was sorta what she'd been doing for a minute!)

they need reassurance that you still love them even if they'v been bad, but now they'r good and everything is forgotten.

i think you'r right eastendgirl after their timeout/tantrum you need to tell them why again and if they do it again they will get timed out but a cuddle is essential so they know everything can be forgiven and they are still loved!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/03/2006 10:39

With regard to learning that they can affect things - i tend to follow the thought that choosing to be well behaved is a positive choice and a good learning experience since they are rewarded for it with my attention and time.

bosscat · 14/03/2006 10:43

oh very stressful I know. ds2 is 20 months and really coming into his own now. I just ignore and leave the room as he loves an audience. I always cuddle after though as I feel sorry for him. I think its frightening to be that out of control.

Original poster

eastendgirl · 14/03/2006 13:20

Not sure cuddling is a good idea,the message the child get is that tantruming is always followed by cuddles. I normally get him to resume whatever we were/he was doing, and talk about his feelings of anger, how he should tell me that he is feeling angry, and not make a scene, etc. I also tell him I love him, but as I said the emphasis is on moving on. I also do the positive praise and giving lots of cuddles and kisses at otehr times of the day, but not immediately after being screamed at. This is how I understood T Byron's advice. Does anybody agree with me?

OP posts:

Nemo1977 · 14/03/2006 13:29

Ds is 2.5yrs if he is having a tantrum Ds goes to calm down on the beanbag also used as punishment when he is being naughty. When he has calmed down then he knows he has to say sorry and then we have a kiss and a cuddle. So he doesnt get it straight after the tantrum but it reinforces that even though he can be a little devil he is still loved if that makes sense.

Original poster

eastendgirl · 14/03/2006 13:31

Not sure about this.I guess if it is done very quickly it's fine, but if it is a long meandering kiss and cuddle session, then I don't think I agree.

OP posts:

blueshoes · 14/03/2006 13:41

enastendgirl, from what you are describing of TB's methods, I guess my main problem with tanya byron is that she treats children like they can and should be trained like dogs. Pavlovian behavioural reinforcement: pats for good behaviour, frowns for bad. I think children, even very young ones, need more credit for being able to distinguish the range of subtleties of human interaction. So just because a cuddle follows a tantrum, whether long or slow cuddle, immediately after or with a time gap, before or after the child has calmed down, doesn't mean that your ds cannot interpret it correctly within the context of what you are imparting to him as a adult whom he loves and trusts will take care of his needs - as you do. I wouldn't get too bogged down about her rules. You are doing all the right things anyway.

Enid · 14/03/2006 13:45

well if cuddles after tantrums don't work then why do both my dds say to me 'mummy you are the loveliest kindest mummy in the whole world'

blueshoes · 14/03/2006 13:47

Enid, lol. My dd clearly needs to work on her PR skills.

sleepingbag · 14/03/2006 14:01

In the book i'm reading at moment on toddler tantrums it says that research suggests that kids that get a hug post tantrum, tantrum less and for less time. Which i think makes sence.

blueshoes · 14/03/2006 14:03

oops, just read that this thread is for TB supporters. Guess I shouldn't be on here

starlover · 14/03/2006 14:04

i think cuddles after a tantrum are a good thing. like someone else said.. unless you don't cuddle them the rest of the time then it won't be associated with the tantrum...

it shows them that you know they're upset and that you want them to feel better... it doesn't mean you're giving in though.

children have tantrums because it is the only way they can express themselves... this has been proven. They don't ahve the ability to have a civilised discussion over the pros and cons of cup colour...
it's natural... why punish them?

Original poster

eastendgirl · 14/03/2006 19:53

oh well, vive la difference

OP posts:

Seona1973 · 14/03/2006 19:59

my dd gets a cuddle after a tantrum but I do say to her that she is a good girl for calming down first so she is getting rewarded for the calming down NOT the tantrum itself.

Sparklemagic · 14/03/2006 20:22

I agree with those who say that they give cuddles after a tantrum. I think not to do this is simply about the adult proving that they have 'won'. The child has had a tantrum and lost control, and has been safely placed while they learn to deal with these all-powerful feelings. They need the safety, security and reassurance of a hug from mum and not giving this and remaining stern is over the top in my view. What human being doesn't need a hug when they have been extremely upset? If you'd been crying wouldn't you welcome a kindly arm around you and a warm kiss? I don't for one minute beleive that a child in this situation perceives a cuddle in any manipulative way (ie 'I'll have another tantrum becuse I always gets hugs after') they simply take the comfort offered.

Original poster

eastendgirl · 15/03/2006 13:22

Well thank goodness for Tanya Byron, this is our second day tantrum free after 4 days of throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat. I think we fixed it by praising, playing loads, having fun, ignoring unimportant bad behaviour and tantrums and giving time out for important stuff (running off on the pavement for the 2nd time after I had warned him not to do it...). It was my fault he had gone a bit mad, i think i had become a bit complacent and stopped giving him the positive attention these little ones crave. Thank you for your words and vive la difference.

OP posts:

Hattie05 · 15/03/2006 15:37

Glad things have calmed down in your household!

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