DD having emotional and aggressive tantrums, I don't know what to do next! Please help

[massivebigMissCathCartface]

In general I have a fantastic relationship with 5yr old dd 95% of the time, the remaining 5% is the usual 5 yr old strops and whinging about having to do this or that. She's a very kind, sensitive and fun girl, and I love being with her.

However, every now and then we seem to hit a blip, and recently it has become unbearable and I don't know how to handle it any better or different so any advice would be welcome.

The first blip started when I began childminding around the same time dd started school last year. I expected it to unsettle her and did my best to reassure her and remain boundaried and consistent. Anyway, this did ease up as she settled into school and we got into a good routine.

Around this time though, she also became increasingly upset at the fact that myself and her dad live apart (we have done since she was 10m). I gathered that it was because she realised, through the new friends she'd made at school, that a lot of mums and dads live together and she wanted this for herself.

This didn't ease up and she still regularly gets upset when she is with either one of us, that she is missing the other parent. She also has regular bad nights, where she wakes up crying and missing the other parent.

The biggest problem has been over these holidays. She has been getting upset in the morning when learning that the other children are coming,saying she wants a 'mummy day' and saying she misses me. Then she has become increasingly difficult throughout the day, to the point where she is rude and unfriendly to the other children especially rude and naughty with me.

For example, the other day she wasn't playing nicely and as I pulled her up on it it very quickly escalated into a full-blown tantrum resulting in her running to her room, repeatedly slamming her door, kicking me in the neck, trying to hit me and stamp on my feet. All this in front of the younger children I childmind.

I feel like I have always done my best and really don't know what to do next. I've arranged for dd to go to her grandparents for a couple of days this week. I know she'll have a lovely time but really it's because I can't bear the stress of childminding with her behaving like this. What makes it worse is that I only see her for half the week as it is as she's with her dad the other half.
I have a 7 month old baby starting with me in a couple of months and I'm already worrying about how she might react to this new addition.

I need to earn a living but hate seeing her (and me!) unhappy, but at the same time I know I can't let her dictate what goes on, especially when I can see that she also gets a lot out of spending the time with the other children.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading, I really need to try and get this into perspective and get a grip on how to deal with this as I'm feeling stressed and anxious merely at the thought of having the children.

also have a fab daughter who has terrifying tantrums - she's older but her loss of control frightens her I think. I avoid confrontation when she's 'losing it' and try to talk to her afterwards instead. I think sometimes that any way of letting a child express themselves has to help - have encouraged my dd to write a diary (so she can vent there),. I know yours is liitle but it may be worth just telling her you know it is hard, but mummy has to make a living for you both, for all her nice things and without the childminding, mummy would just have to go out to work instead. In my experience, the things they say are upsetting them are not necessarily it iyswim - a 'broken' home is the easy one - easier than worries about friendships, complexities of school etc. School may be able to help via a counsellor if you remain worried. Hope you're not beating yourself up - having a problem 5% of teh time is pretty miraculous - you must be a top mum!

Thank you, I do tell her it's ok to feel cross or sad and recognise that she needs to express her emotions. I'm just not sure how to help her get over this and also how to deal with her aggression - the hitting and kicking occurs almost every time she has these outbursts.
Perhaps I need to leave her to it in her room? This is the place she runs off to usually, and I go after her. I just don't want to confirm, in her mind, that she's not getting any attention as I'm with the others

I think she knows how to press your buttons. She is charging off to her room because she knows you will follow her and she has therefore won your attention. When she calms down I would talk to her calmly about how childminding enables you to spend more time with her, rather than less if you were doing another kind of job which involved her being in childcare....

I think she has also realised that chatting about wanting mum and dad to be together, or missing one or other of you, also gains your attention straight away as you are conscious that it may be something that unsettles her. It sounds like she wants attention, and she knows that this is the way to get it. You may get through this stage better by being a bit breezy about everything regarding your separation from her Dad, but giving her great praise for wanted behaviour at other times and plenty of attention when she is not displaying such attention-seeking behaviour.

I think aokay is right in that she may not know how to articulate what is really upsetting her and has gathered that your family situation is something which can be "blamed". She may simply be waking in the night and fancying a cuddle, and using this as the means to get it.

When it comes to her behaviour towards the other children, would a star chart or something help? This summer holiday I have looked after another little boy alongside my 2. I said to them that if they helped me they would earn some of my money when his mum paid me. This seemed to help with the link with other children earning me money and they enjoyed a trip to toysrus to spend the money they had "earned" by helping. (Mine are 7 and 5).

thanks, very helpful. I don't pay too much attention to the talk about mummy and daddy living together as it's never going to happen, so I'm quite matter of fact about the situation and point out all the good things about having 'two homes' etc.
I think you're right about knowing which buttons to press. I do feel guilty and she's clocked it. I will make sure I leave her to it if she runs off to her room, and I'll also think about a reward chart as well as setting out some specific consequences, such as removal of toys, if she behaves this way in future.

I feel a lot clearer about how I'm going to approach this now, it's helpful just to write it down even! Thanks both

Poor you, sounds really stressful. I am ex cm and although my Dcs are older it's a difficult balance to strike.

However the point that stares me in the face is the fact that your dd spends half the week with her dad and half with you?

This is unusual isn't it? She could be having 2 sets of rules and boundaries and is obviously jealous of the minded children having you while she doesn't for half the week.

Can't she live with you full time but see her dad alternate weekends and some evenings?

I would see your present arrangements as unsettling and not readable long term as she will just play one of you off against the other.

To add I have given up cming to spend more time with my Dcs, got a job as a classroom assistant and going to college.

Drop in money but worth it to me to spend school hols with own Dcs and not out other peoples kids first all the time.

Is this an option for you?