My six year old getting upset when visiting dad

[Jodes79]

Hello,

I am hoping for some advice. My six year old son has been staying with his dad every other weekend for several years now, and until recently there have generally been no problems. However, over the last few months he seems to be getting quite upset every friday when it's time to go, and telling me a few hours before hand that he doesn't want to go.

Tonight was the worst time yet, with him clinging to me and screaming, crying his little heart out saying "I want mummy, I want to stay with mummy", it is absolutely heart breaking, and I am not sure what to do for the best. I know my son has a great time once he is there and they always have a lot of fun together, so it doesn't seem to make sense to me that he should be getting so distressed.

My ex and I get on well, and regularly spend time together with our son. There have been no changes with this fortnightly routine or any significant changes in my ex's life.

I do wonder if it is something to do with me though. I stopped working in March as I have started studying for a masters degree and undertaken some voluntary work, although this actually has meant that I probably spend more time with my son now, as before I often worked weekends, and very early mornings, it has left me a lot more stressed due to financial concerns and work load, and I wonder if this has had an adverse affect on him.

His behaviour generally has changed, he is very argumentative, angers easily, and can be quite aggressive to me (and only me) at times, although this isn't hugely frequent, underneath this he is still my very sweet, loving and kind boy, and most of the time he really is a very good boy.

I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help him, and to perhaps ease the fortnightly goodbyes when he goes to daddy's, tonight for example he wanted to take a number of toys and a photograph of myself and him which seemed to help but only very minutely and somewhat temporarily.
Any advice will be truly, truly welcome, I hate to see my little angel getting so upset!

Thank you! :)

I am so sorry, this must be very upsetting for you. Have you asked your son straight out if there is a particular reason he doesn't want to go to his Dad's? Is there anything wrong when he goes to his Dad's or is anything bothering him that he worries about that you can help him with?
He probably just misses his Mummy very much, but you need to check out why he is finding this so upsetting and make sure it's not something else that you can help him resolve. I am finding it difficult to understand why he wouldn't look forward to or want to spend time with his Dad? When you speak to him when he is away does he seem happy and is he happy when he returns?
Have you and your Ex been apart for long? Maybe your son is still trying to come to terms with the break and is trying to take control of the situation somehow.
This must be so hard, I hope it gets easier for the both of you!

Did dad spend more time with him before you split up? A 6 year old may not articulate things well but if dad spent more time with him, then left and now you are spending more time with him he is worried you will leave, and you will do it when he is at his dad's.

It might not be time spent, just a change in routine. The only time he can remember that is when dad left.

Of course that assumes you lived together, which you have not said.

I think your son is old enough to have a say in how his contact time is structured if your ex would be in agreement. Can you ask him if there is something he would like to change? Maybe he would prefer shorter, more frequent visits or perhaps he needs to call you part way through the visit but doesn't feel able to ask. Does he need to know that he can come home early if he wants to? Sometimes that's all it takes to make them feel able to stay happily.

Children can be amazingly sensitive to the needs of adults and worry about upsetting people which results in them not saying when something is worrying them.

Do you have a good enough relationship with his dad to be able to involve him in discussing this with your son?

Just to offer the other side. My DSD is 6 and stays with us every other weekend. She is always happy once she is here, but often refuses to come and gets very clingy to her mum when DH or I collect her, saying she doesnt want to leave mummy and getting quite distressed.

She is almost immediately fine, I.e. tears stop within seconds of driving off, we have a lovely time, and she does of course love (and need) time with her dad and little sister.

Between us all (me, DH and DSD's mum) we think it is a combination of anxiety over leaving mummy alone (DSD is v sensitive to her mum's needs as someone up thread suggested, it's just he two of them and think that does have a big impact), genuine incredulity that mummy is ok to let her go (onetime her mum said how much she was looking forward to a night alone and DSD was distraught), definitely a fair amount of attention seeking, and some uncertainty over change of personnel and rules (DH and his ex do try and co-parent, but inevitably the households do have a different atmosphere, as in ours, DSD is not the only child and hasto share her dad's attention with a sibling).

We manage this between us all by being quite matter of fact about leaving mummy as indulging the attention seeking aspect at least is very counter productive, by ensuring we speak to DH's ex at specified times, by allowing DSD to choose something she would especially like for dinner so she is looking forward to the visit in advance.

I don't think there is a perfect solution but if your DS is happy once he's there, hopefully its just the changeover causing anxiety, and this is very normal in our family, and we're fairly confident that is all it is, and we just manage it as best we can, but we always let DSD's mum know as soon as DSD is ok. Perhaps your ex could do that?