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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Am embarassed about 14mo ds and his lack of table manners!

26 replies

brokenmummy · 23/08/2012 13:41

Earlier this week we ate much with a group of about 15 toddlers a local sure start centre. Each had a packed lunch and ages varied from 10mo- 2.5y.

Ds sat between two 10mo boys. I ended up making a sharp exit and crying all the way home! He spent the whole meal whining (uuurrgh) and reaching out for the other kids food. ALL the other kids ate so beautifully, finished what was on their plate, were relatively quiet and stuck to their own meal. Ds ate about two mouthfuls and just couldn't keep his hands to himself. His food was a bit boring in comparison I guess, he had cheese sarnies and some tomatoes.

All the other mums stood back and watched/chatted while I literally had to restrain ds before he demolished everyone else's food.

I could just feel a million smug eyes on me, wondering why on earth ds wouldn't sit still and eat.

We don't eat together as a family which I'm sure is to blame - but it's hard as I can't face eating during the day and dh not home til 8-9. I'm sure if we had blw he wouldn't be like this.

When in high chair at home he eats really well, but is v v messy!

I feel like I have failed ds :( I live eating as a social event and I think I have screwed up my sons chances of being the same :(

Any ideas anyone?

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RaisinDEtre · 23/08/2012 13:46

awwww don't cry

he's just a baby, with no real conception of manners, it's all me me me which is normal

perhaps those other parents have smacked their babies' hands to stop reaching

don't beat yourself up

BUT

I am concerned about you not eating during the day - what's that all about?

QuenelleOJersey2012 · 23/08/2012 13:54

Don't worry. It was your boy today, it'll be one of the others next time. I bet all the 'smug' mothers were thanking god theirs had chosen to behave that day

My boy was blw and eats dinner with us every night but he isn't always an angel when he's eating in public. And he may well get over excited and act up if he was sitting with a load of other children.

Tittywhistles · 23/08/2012 13:59

He Sounds perfectly normal to me!

You definitely shouldn't be hard on yourself, no two babies are the same and I'm sure he's better at some things those strange little well-mannered
monsters aren't able to do.

KrakowsDaughter · 23/08/2012 14:00

He's only little! Does he go to nursery at all? In my experience the children who go to nursery are better at sitting and eating in the company of other children because they do it regularly. I've often watched friends DCs sit and eat quietly while my DS marches up and down in the background dropping things in his wake. I am slightly embarrassed but not really bothered as he will learn eventually. Don't stress so much about it!

greenhill · 23/08/2012 14:01

When they are like this at 5 you can start to worry.
I wonder how many of these toddlers had been bribed / threatened to behave themselves beforehand.

To have good table manners they do have to watch others eat (and if like mine have to be reminded to eat over their plate, not over their clothes, to use cutlery etc) if you aren't eating with him he can't copy your good habits.

But if you are not eating at all during the day, you aren't looking after yourself. My DH only eats once he comes home from work as he says he doesn't have time during the day, but eats properly at the weekend.

Are you eating properly then? Do you have food issues? Have you got v bad morning sickness?

Faverolles · 23/08/2012 14:04

I'm amazed that all the others were so well behaved.
IME, feeding toddlers together = feeding time at the zoo!

DS3 is BLW'd, and is a messy, fussy little bugger when it comes to mealtimes.

14 months is just a baby, please don't worry!

BertieBotts · 23/08/2012 14:07

Ds was blw too and always used to reach for other children's food! It's just what they do, he's a baby. They have no concept of ownership. They see something they want, they go for it.

I expect the other children had been going to the shared lunch for a while and knew the protocol from being reminded or restrained when they first started to reach out for others' food. Some children are more responsive to instructions than others :) Also I think parents who know that their baby is going through a grabby phase would probably be under represented at such an event.

I doubt very much the other parents were judging, they probably left you to it because there's not much they can do other than restrain him for you which probably wouldn't go down well! I expect they thought nothing of it as it's a perfectly normal phase that most babies go through.

If you go again it might be worth having a word with one of the CC staff to share your worries, I'm sure they'd be reassuring and might be able to offer some tips. I've never heard of anyone smacking a baby just for grabbing, so I'm sure that all of the other parents haven't done that, probably none of them have.

Kendodd · 23/08/2012 14:09

He's only little and I'm sure most of the other mother were thinking 'thank god it's not only my child that eats like that!' you wait next week it'll be somebody else in your shoes.

Eating like that is nothing, he'll do something to really show you up soon! When he does, just keep in mine, we've all been there

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 23/08/2012 14:12

"I can't face eating during the day" is a bit worrying. Don't you eat at all until the evening? Please do try, it is worth it for your son's sake. :)

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 23/08/2012 14:13

(Not just for manners, but to ensure he grows up with a healthy attitude to food)

Original poster

brokenmummy · 23/08/2012 14:14

Just what I needed to hear, thank you! I did think he was normal until then. Very very messy, but relatively normal.

I think yes, some of the other kids go quite regularly to the lunch bit but we usually leave before hand as I was always afraid of what might happen!

I know he's just a baby and a very lively, spirited one at that.

As for me - well thanks for all the concern! I am fine, no eating disorders or morning sickness (christ, I need a few more months at least!) But I have had PND and appetite is a bit feeble. I eat fantastically once DS is in bed at night but he's quite demanding and eating is not that high up on my to do list. He goes for a nap and I can think of at least 10 more pressing matters than sitting down to eat. Like mumsnetting :)

DH makes sure I eat well at weekends. I am going to make a huge effort to eat with DS more from now on. I have had my wake up call!

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenmummy · 23/08/2012 14:14

Oh, and I usually have cake in the afternoon! I know, I know, something I really need to sort out....

OP posts:

NapaCab · 23/08/2012 22:03

I'm amazed that the two 10-month olds next to your son were so well-behaved! My DS is 10 months and any time we go to play dates and group events I have to always hold him back from grabbing other babies' toys.

Haven't tried him with group meals yet but I imagine he'd be the same even though we did BLW and he feeds himself very well. At this age, it's all about curiosity and exploring so it probably wasn't that your son's food was boring or he was hungry, he might just have been curious about the other food.

Sounds like you had a freak event where all the other babies were behaving themselves for once because the Moon was in Jupiter or something. Your son sounds totally normal, curious, active etc - just like mine!

Iggly · 23/08/2012 22:09

You should start by eating meals with your DS. Even if it's a token amount! Same at weekends.

We do the same with ds - it's nice for everyone really.

babbi · 23/08/2012 22:10

Honey you really need to relax... you are over analysing everything and stressing too much and making rules for yourself ..(no cake - why not ?)
Chill out and just enjoy your very normal little boy xx

Nodecentnickname · 23/08/2012 22:18

Oh he is so little! Of course he has no table manners. At this age my daughter was lobbing everything onto the floor or tearing and squelching everything! It will pass. She is 2.5 now and eats beautifully.

Try occupying with lots of little foodstuffs, remain calm and if you can try and eat with him at some point during he day.

WolfinaRedCloak · 23/08/2012 22:18

I have a messy, stroppy, picky eater, perfectly normal imo, he 26 months. Older child was a model eater by 4 but previously was a messy, stroppy, picky eater, so I have hope yet. I have started to try to eat set meals and snacks at the table with whoever is there, youngest is slowly starting to eat more and sit still but as soon as everyone else is finished he's off so sitting together has proved to be a huge improvement for us.

I still laugh at the time when youngest was 13 months, we'd gone out for Sunday dinner with friends. Dh took dc1 to loo, food arrived and dc2 started picking food off dh's plate and putting it on his plate. It did look yummy though

Nagoo · 23/08/2012 22:56

We eat with Baby Goo.

Her control of my the fork as she helps herself to my dinner is very impressive.

I don't know why she can't eat what's on her own plate but I'm not about to slap her hand away!

dobalina · 23/08/2012 23:24

Ds is 21m. We went on a toddler nursery trip and every. single. child except ds sat still and ate their sandwiches in a tidy fashion while I ran after/wrestled with ds. Different situation but I feel your pain. He sounds totally normal though. Come have a meal with us, we'll give you a run for your money!!

everydayaschoolday · 24/08/2012 00:48

dd2 is 14 mo. I'm lucky just to get her to keep the plate on the table! If she saw something different on someone else's plate, she'd definitely be reaching out for it too. I think your ds sounds perfectly normal and it's HEALTHY that he appears to be taking an avid interest in what others have and are eating.

I would recommend to keep going to these social eating 'events' they are so important for development. Consider trying to get your ds to 'share' something with another child ie offer a tomato, and see if another mum follows suit to offer something 'exciting' back to your ds. Or try a fishing technique on another mum: 'ooh your packed lunch looks exciting; I don't think ds has tried kiwi fruit* yet...' I wouldn't be offended if someone tried this on me and I'd offer a piece no probs - I encourage sharing be it toys, sweets etc. I'm sure each to their own, you'll probably have to gauge the situation.

MaliKat · 24/08/2012 06:51

DS is still like this! Well,he's not really messy any more, but very interested in what is on other plates. When he was smaller (now2.9) the best way to get him to eat veg was to put it on my plate, none on his then leave my plate within reach.
Even now, he wolfs everything down (I swear he just swallows it) and then tries to steal from us. We have to eat as quickly as possible so there's none left on our plates when he finishes. He's the same at nursery. He eats all of his food, then takes the plates of the other children even if they're still eating fortunately they're aware of it and have put measures in to slow him down and he gets in trouble now.

I really wouldn't worry. The importent thing is he sees how you and your DH eat, he will copy you and he will get better. 14 mo is still very young. He needs practice, that's all.

MainlyMaynie · 24/08/2012 12:00

My DS is the same age and would behave very similarly to your DS. If we're in a cafe and don't have food, he will appeal to other tables for theirs! It hadn't even occurred to me that he should be behaving any differently yet. I really wouldn't worry.

tootiredtothinkofanickname · 24/08/2012 12:16

My 18 months old is quite chilled, except when it comes to food. The CM must feed him (or rather, sit him at the table with some food) first, otherwise he screams blue murder. And he always "steals" food from the other children, even if he's not hungry he just wants a taste of what they're having.

Wanting what others have is normal, they're so curious. So is being messy. But I really think you should start eating with him, so he can copy you. Even if you're not really hungry, a slice of bread and butter will do - you can share it and he will most likely eat most of it, but he will do it in your company.

MammyToMany · 24/08/2012 12:28

My 14 month old will crumble, tear, squish, throw - anything but put his food into his mouth. He won't use a spoon or fork unless it's to try and steal food off my plate and his meals usually end up all over the floor. I don't know how he hasn't starved to be honest.

Original poster

brokenmummy · 24/08/2012 14:00

Wow, so many replies, thank you. I think I always knew it was closer to normal than not, but I was just so gobsmacked by these other kids eating so well.

I do usually have a few mouthfuls of his food but am definitely going to make more of an effort to eat with him in future.

Ds is great at sharing his toys and belongings, he often crawls over to another kid and offers up whatever he is playing with. I guess he feels that sharing applies to food too! Well I guess it does to a certain extent but I just felt so out of control while he was snatching food from the other plates!

Thanks so much for the reassurance, and will be taking your advice fe eating together!

OP posts:

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