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what to do about a controlling and difficult sibling relationship?

6 replies

devondeva · 22/08/2012 15:12

DD1 (age 6) is constantly trying to control DD2 (4) who is a strong character and doesn't want to be controlled. She constantly interferes when DD2 is playing alone and wants to "help" her make choices - she can be quite smothering and overbearing with her. She also tells her off frequently, and will always compare her own behaviour to DD2s - for instance if I say to DD1 she's been very good over something, her immediate response is "better than DD2?". I really her to let her sister be her own person and seperate out, particularly as they will soon be going to the same small village school. It's also really interfering with her own development as she spends so much time and energy fretting about what her sister is doing. I've started to try taking them out seperately as much as possible to give them space, and give them individually 30 mins undivided attention each evening but I would really value pointers of how to manage their relationship - it just doesn't seem at all healthy at the moment.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
devondeva · 22/08/2012 21:20

bump pls?

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devondeva · 22/08/2012 23:14

bump for the late crew - no-one had similar?

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FariesDoExist · 23/08/2012 14:29

My DD1 (almost 6) can be quite controlling towards her younger sister (3.5yrs), to the point that DD2 will get upset and end up yelling at her to "please just leave me alone to play". They do play well together - so long as DD2 is obeying DD1's commands!

It could be a bit of jealousy. Sorry I don't have advice to give you but I have read Siblings Without Rivalry, and it's helped a bit. I always tell DD1 at bedtime "I love you so much" and sometimes (to my surprise) she has said to me "but do you love DD2 more than me?", to which I've replied "no of course not, I love you both the same". But the Siblings Without Rivalry book says that children don't really want to be given that answer, they would prefer to hear something like "I love you because you are you, my very special DD1 (name), I love the way you are and nobody else can be you".

I tried it one night and it really made my DD1 smile :-)

I'm hoping it's a phase they go through but I know it's hard, especially when they are constantly keeping an eye on what the other one is doing. Maybe someone with older children might come along and offer some advice!

devondeva · 23/08/2012 21:29

Thanks Fairies. I think sometimes I've tried to be too "fair" and should do more to recognise their individuality, so that's a nice idea. Will look at the book.

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PlopButNOPudding · 24/08/2012 06:40

Bumping this- I gave exactly the same problem. I could have written that post word for word.
Unfortunately I don't have much advice- I'm trying to give dd1 as much attention as feasible (also have demanding 6mo ds with severe reflux) and tried upping one on one time etc. Seems to help a little but also seems to encourage lots more competitive comments like "is dd2 coming? I don't want her to" "dd2 isn't allowed to though?" that sort of thing..

Very interested to see if anyone else comes along with more advice.

devondeva · 24/08/2012 21:31

Nice to know I'm not the only one Plop!

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