Why is everything a battle?

[carwillin]

My DS is 19 months old and for the most part he is a wonderful little boy until it is time to get dressed, have his nappy changed, go out, come in, get in the car etc... or the things that involve him stopping playing and not doing what he wants to do.
I fell like I am bribing him all of the time just to do the simplest task - we follow the same routine every morning and every evening so it's not as though he doesn't know what going on.
Is anyone else going through the same thing? I don't know if I'm handling it correctly by bribe and distraction.

I feel like I'm losing it - help anybody!!

It's an age thing - I remember practically laying all over my two to change their nappies at that age, and sweating buckets struggling with a rigid toddler trying to get them in a car seat. I used all kinds of bribes and distraction techniques - not very successfully - then one day they grew out of it! horrors! It's a power struggle.

Agree with Kbear, can remember that phase very well I remember thinking at 18 months - its terrible two's come early!!! Unfortunately it overlapped into terrible three's too!!!

I still use bribery, if not more so, its the only way with kids

LOL oh KBear your description is so true! 'sweating buckets' ' rigid toddler'

DS2 is only 11 months and I dread the nappy changes, the screams and the wriggling, with poo flying everywhere! And after bath.... DH has discovered if you sit on him gently so that your back faces DSs face he can put his babygro on without him climbing out of it before the poppers are done up!!

And the car seat and the buggy - groan groan. No wonder I am exhausted at the end of the day!! LOL

Sorry carwillin, cant offer any help just sympathy. It is a phase. He will eventually grow out of it. :)

Thanks all I don't feel quite so alone now, all my friends children of the same age all seem so wonderfully compliant I was worried that I was doing it all wrong.
I am also 6 months pregnant so just finding the whole thing very tiring and also dreading how I'm going to cope with two.

I bet you are finding it really hard work then struggling with a toddler being 6 months pregnant. Poor u. No, you are not doing anything wrong. Just wait your time, your friends kids will probably do it at some point and your DS would be past that stage in his life and you can watch on with glee

Nope would never describe my kids as "compliant".

One of the mums I talk to at DS's preschool was looking flustered the other day and she went on to describe how long it takes getting her almost two year old into the car seat etc etc and she was almost in tears.

She felt better when I told her it wasn't her fault, it's what they DO, they are pushing all the boundaries at that age. They can't say "Look actually mum I'm not in the mood to sit here and be strapped in" or "mum, I like laying here in my own poo" so they just freak out and try to escape!

carwillin - I know all kids are different but I don't think bribing a toddler this young is a very good idea. He will become used to being bribed to get things done when he is older and then life will become very difficult.

My DS is now 20 mo. I just do this, I explain what we are about to do in a normal, matter of course voice, and then just do it. As I have always done this since he was born he seems to have got the message.

So it goes something like this, "Ok, x darling [I am a bit soppy so everything has a darling in it !!] we are going out to x now, so lets go and get dressed, put your coat and shoes on, now we are going to get in the car...etc...) I don't give him a choice and don't explain that there is a choice, I just do it. I do the same at bed time, food time, etc.

Also, if you make things seem like a battle, they will become a battle. Very hard to do, I know, but even if there is a tantrum, I don't treat it as one.

Good luck !

I know what you mean koolkat, this is the approach I have always taken with him and it has worked up till now! I keep trying but the constant daily battles are very wearing and so I have resorted to bribery (sp!) and distraction just to get through the day without tantrums.
The reason I am on here is because I don't like doing it but I just can't find another way round at the moment to save my sanity.

heh heh heh - Ds is only 15 months and I haven't changed a nappy with him lying down for about 4 months - unless he is in a really chilled out mood - this morning for instance.

I just change the nappy with him, standing up. I admit this does involve a bit of chasing which at 6 months pregnant I can imagine would be no fun but I have never held him down to change a nappy. There was one period where he wasn't standing well yet but would kneel down a lot (sitting on his bum) so changinfg a nappy in that position was fun . I used to encourage him to crawl and change it that way with him crawling away from me. We also have a nappy changing game we have played ever since he was a newborn (he hated nappy changes then too) which sometimes makes him smile and I can then sometimes get him to lie down - but very rarely.

On the other hand I have put his jacket on and his clothes by holding him and as calmly as possible and just dressing him despite the wriggling/protests/screaming. I'm afraid I've tried bribery but he's a bit young to understand yet and distraction is useful but limited in his case.

Sorry I don't have many answers for but thought you'd want to know you are not alone.

As for getting him in the car seat - sometimes he goes so rigid and screams so much I'm scared I'll hurt him if I insist on belting him in so I do let him scream a while (while holding him in the car) until he runs out of steam - it can take a while and is exhausting but he does also have periods when he goes in the car fairly easily.

The problem is you never know which it is going to be -angel or devil baby - until you get to the car and he sees the car seat

carwillin - I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It's only a phase though and things do get better as they learn to speak more effectively. I too live in hope

carwillin, i am going thru the same with my 18month old. I am chasing her round the room to try and get her dressed. And when I change her nappy I am giving her a toy bewteen each wipe, and holding onto one leg at the same time so she doesn't get away. It feels like a mini marathan. Roll on potty training!!!

I am pregnant at the mo and have decided with the next one to get a cot top changer so he can't get away.

Thanks again for all your support.

SusieR - we have had the exact same idea for the next one (due in June), I do hope it works better. As you say roll on potty training:)

we had the same with ds1, he is now 2 yrs and 4 mths old and grew out of it. i also have a 7 mth old and i remember when i was pregnant thinking - what the hell am i doing, having another baby when i can't cope with the first one!!
but ds1 chilled out. each week though they have a different thing to get het up about!
i do find distraction works well. say there is a cat walking on the wall, etc. probably really cruel to lie to them but it usually would get their interest enough to get him in the car, change nappy, etc.
i, too, did not want to use bribery but do often use it!! sometimes when you are tired, late for work and have a 7 month crying, you have to bribe!
good luck with second baby. it is pretty hard at first (well maybe not for everyone but it was for me) but you soon all get used to it and then you cannot imagine life without ds/dd2! then you look around you and can't believe you have a family!
tres grown-up.

I just posted on another thread about something similar, but me and DS now do deals. eg: storytime before bed - if he runs off, I put the books away and say he'll have to go to bed without a story - he soon scoots back.

I do bribe too, though I prefer to think of it as a reward for good behaviour and actually having done both, I reckon it's ten million times than a stand-off. for eg: to get him into his nappy after a bath, we did a deal - he has to let me dry him and put his vest on, then he gets something intriguing to play with from the bathroom cupboard (think as exciting as a lipsalve..!). He then has to lie down to play with it, which means I can easily put his nappy/ pyjamas on.

They're all different, but with mine a bit of deal striking seems to work - I think it's because that way he thinks he has some say in it.

Having said that, I forced him and won the battle of the coat - sometimes you just have to insist..!

I'm quiet new to mumsnet but i think from reading other mums messages it sometimes just helps to know that you are not alone nas others mums are having the same problems!!!
My little boy is 18 months and a terror to get dressed, changing his nappy can also be a nightmare!! I do remember this stage with my little girl though (now 4.5) and it does pass, unfortunately my only advise would be to try and not get too stresed out it really won't last forever!!!

ds, 20.5 months can be like this too. getting him dressed now is easier as we make it a game, nappy changing is often a nightmare unless he is holding a toy or book, and he will scream the house down if he doesn't get his own way WHEN HE WANTS it.
i have to remind myself often on a daily basis that this stage too will pass!!

(like others here, its SO good to know im not alone!)

I could have written that post. DS is 18 months, I am 5 months pregnant with number 2. DS is a nightmare to have his nappy changed, unless he is drinking his milk out of a bottle at the same time and even that doesn't work all the time. He is a nightmare to get dressed, get up the stairs if he doesn't want to go, get in the car if you try to put him in, hold your hand in the car park, go in the buggy etc etc. I let him have a dummy in the car for peace, but I try not to use that as a settler at any other time, but he screams for it anyway. I am very releived to hear you are going through something similar (although sympatheic of course!) and it does make me feel better, cos when he is screaming and crying and acting as if I am torturing him by trying to get a clean nappy on him you do wonder if you are going about this all the right way!! And then you realise he is fine, when he gets his own way and smiles at you and is all sweetness and light!!!

smee - lol to lipsalve - 20 mo DS has loads of toys but loves to play with my makeup brushes and stickes - has ruined all my lipsticks - incluidng some very expensive ones by poking fingers into them and then rubbing fingers onto his shirts - the joys of being a mother to a toddler

Thanks all, today has been particularly hellish with not wanting to go to toddler group, not wanting his dinner and not wanting to nap - I'm thinking his big molars might be on their way as we've also had lots of drooling and a bright red cheek!!!

KoolKat - I know what you mean about a make-up bag, it's like finding treasure for them. The other day he even managed to get the top off the mascara (waterproof!!!) and attempted to apply it to himself all in 5 seconds while I was folding a towel. If he wasn't so damn cute:)

i have the book, 'the Social Toddler' which explains toddler behaviour from toddler's POV and how we grownups can get things done for them and us with least hassle.

it is done with photo evidence with real live toddlers and parents in RL situations. highly recommend it.

carwillin - now if we all had one of those DH/DP characters who think it is a bad sign for a little boy to be interested in mummy's makeup - we would all be in trouble