Please help. Hysterical 14 month old tantrums. How to calm him?

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Please help my 14 month old has been having hysterical tantrums and we dont know how to calm him down quickly.
Please tell me what has worked for your babies.

I honestly wouldn't try so hard to calm him down because It sounds like it might be turning it all into a bigger deal than it needs to be. You're absolutely right to pick your battles and only insist on the essential things at this stage because you can't reason with one do young but they do need to sense that you're the one in charge or it will only get harder and harder as he gets older.

They do get to a lovely stage where most of the time you can reason with them and even admit you're wrong if you've said no to something that you then realise is no big deal and you could actually have said yes! Until then though no has to mean no!

Also remember that tantrums can be scary for small people so if he then sees his parents also 'scared' by it and running round trying all manner of random things it'll probably just freak him out that little bit more and make him think there really must be something to be scared of.

Possibly a better tactic might be just to start playing with one of his favourite toys or looking out of the window yourself and getting excited about what you can see. With a bit of luck he'll calm himself down and toddle over to join you.

I am so embarrassed about the neighbours that I have been avoiding them.....maybe I should try talking to them! Thanks! Will try to get some courage to do that.

I have heard about baby signing and will try google. We have been working on getting him to wave and point for the last few months and he doesnt seem to understand so I not sure if it will work for him. I dont think he has the attention span to focus and learn that sort of thing.

Dh took him to Rhymetime for the first time last week while I was at work and he just ran around holding onto the shaker, he doesnt seem to like to focus on anything and he is very excitable.

Good advice from Imperial.

My DS does not calm down, no matter if I try to distract him, scold him, shout at him.. nothing but ignoring works. It took a while till I realised that, but once I did it helped a lot. His crying tantrums became less frequent and lasted shorter periods of time.

Going away and doing something interesting without even looking at him is a good one.

runnign around with a shaker is totally normal, as is not waving or pointing. All babies start to do these things at different times.

I have always had a bit of a lovehate thing towards organised groups. On the one hand, they are great to get out of the house for, but then you have situations such as at our playgroup where the mums were sitting making cardboard and leave hedgehogs, while the kids run around wild.

Distracting only works before a full scale tantrum starts - learn to spot the signs and triggers and try and jump in before he loses it.

Once tantruming, the best way forward is to try and ignore it. Make sure he is in a safe place and then leave him to it (I don't mean leave the room, I mean potter about where you can see him, but do something else which might, just might, eventually attract his attention). There isn't really a quick fix once things have got to this point - IME trying to stop a full blown tantrum usually just escalates the problem.

Remember that he really won't have a clue to handle these huge, frightening emotions. He probably thinks he is the only person that ever feels angry and sad. Once he starts to calm down, give him lots of hugs and reassurance. Make him feel really safe. Name the emotions he has been experiencing ("you must have been feeling really angry";"that was a scary tantrum"). Tell him it's OK to feel like that, but that screaming makes it really hard for you to work out how to help him.

He is so little at the moment, he needs the learn about how to handle the bad stuff as well as the nice stuff and he is really lucky to have you to teach him how to cope with disappointments and upsets.

And remember that this too will pass.

Thank you Imperial, we will try stepping back and playing with toys etc. We hadnt tried that yet. Hopefully he will notice.

I am very worried about the terrible twos if he is this bad with tantrums already. I dont know how they could get any worse.

Does this sound ok as a list of essentials, things that have to happen no matter what?

Nappy change
Shower
Jumper if cold
Shoes if ground is dangerous
Hat if sunny/cold
Teethbrushing
Not going outside if pouring with rain
Pram (when we have to go somewhere)

Sleep times (but this is the only tantrum free essential at the moment, fingers crossed!)

So I will try distracting him before doing the above essentials.

Great thank you Pip

Will try that. I thought he was too young to ignore (a bit like leaving a baby to cry is bad) but the way you describe it doesnt sound cruel. Especially with the reassuring afterwards.

That is a good list.

Naming the emotions is a great idea. You might like 'How to talk so your child will listen' - look on Amazon. He is still a bit young for it, but there are some great tips about taking your child and his emotions seriously.

That list sounds like a good plan (although the going out in the rain thing might bite you on the bum if you really need to go out for an appt. even if it is a bit drizzly and your DS decides to get cross because you are breaking a rule).

I don't think ignoring is cruel - like other people have said, it about not engaging with the battle. I find keeping up a running commentary while I potter about really useful - If we are going out I might start looking for my keys (DS has a thing about keys), I wonder where I've put them, are they by the telephone? where could they be? witter, witter, witter. At some point DS does usually pop up and start helping with the search - he usually finds them in my handbag huge surprise but there is quite a lot of screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth first.

Good luck.

You sound like you're in a total panic. There isn't necessarily a way to calm him down fast. I'd stop worrying about the neighbours.
If distraction doesn't work and u know he's otherwise fine, try ignoring him. Just read a mag or watch tv. Prob your panic and attempts to calm him in some way reinforce it.

DD is extremely headstrong, and has been having episodes like you describe since she was a baby. I agree, ignoring whilst keeping a running commentary seemed to be the best thing at that age, we also found taking her to the window and looking in wonder at the big tree outside seemed to work, weirdly enough!

I'm with you on the stress thing, OH and I spent pretty much the first 18 months of DD's life on edge. People with placid pudding babies don't get it.

Your 'essentials' list looks good, also, don't get too tied in knots if everything isn't always pleasant for him, if distracting with toys, keys and singing during nappy changes isn't enough you can just pin him down wrestler style and he'll have to lump it! At least it will be over quicker.

I do sympathise, it can be quite an ordeal when little ones are like this. DS3 has been getting frustrated and tantruming for quite a few months. Things that work for him:

Going in the pushchair: once he's in and strapped (probably struggling) down, and I set off he calms down. I don't worry about firmly sitting him down and make sure the straps are always tight enough to keep him in. It seems to me that when he realises that there's no option he will resign himself to the situation.

Nappy changing: have you tried Pull Ups? Sometimes I change DS3 standing up (although not if it's a poo!) if he's stroppy about it and this is easier with Pull Ups.

Hats: have never succeeded on this with DS3!! In winter he must have cold ears and in summer I spray spf50 on his head/hair because a hat is off in seconds.

Ignoring tantrums: we have tried cuddles/calming/taking him in the garden to distract him and if all else fails I take him up to his room and put him into his cot, where I know he's safe, shut the door and leave him for a couple if minutes. He screams the place down but when I go back in he seems to have forgotten the tantrum and is just glad of a cuddle! If he's still bothered by thing that started the tantrum and starts off again then it's back up to the cot. This is only a last resort, but it seems to work and means I have a couple of minutes to calm down too.

Rain: In let DS3 out in it . I just put his wellies on and wish for the hundredth time I had one of those little boiler suit things. Although he doesn't seem to mind making trousers and socks wet through.

DS3 is 24mo now but has been stroppy since about 16mo.

Take a deep breath. It will pass.

Got to go, as DS3 getting stroppy I'm on my phone

Poor you OP.

Your list sounds good to me. I would personally also want to add -must be sitting down to eat. If that isn't important to you then don't bother, but I don't want marmite all over my furniture & carpets.

I second Libby's suggestion of Pull Ups & ignoring tantrums. Hard when you are out, but if they don't get any reaction from you then why bother.

I would also avoid giving food/bottles when he is upset. I don't like to do this as I think it may lead to using food as a crutch when older.

OP - I have most of your list, but have given up on the pram. He gets out of it now anyway, even when I DO manage to fold him into it.

He is now 18mo, he had his first tantrum at just 9 months old - and it WAS a tantrum, I had fitted childproof locks on a cupboard that has stuff I don't want him to ruin, and he spent a full 30 minutes lying on the floor in front of the cupboard, red faced and screaming, kicking the cupboard, lashing out at anyone who went near him, all because he realised he couldn't open the cupboard!

I have to say though, his tantrums are much rarer now, and he is only 18mo. The only time he tantrums now is when I strap him into anything (car seat/pram/highchair), so apart from car seat (thankfully only used twice a year as I don't drive), I don't bother restraining him like that - he walks, holding my hand, he sits on a 'proper' chair at the table, and has a bed.

The only other time he tantrums now is over his ELC rocket - the doors come off, and he tantrums when he can't put them back on, but that is easily headed off by fixing it for him!

So you may find that if he starts early, he finishes early. No promises on that though!

Libbyssister - you must have a more compliant toddler than mine! When he realised getting IN the pram was non-negotiable, he worked out how to climb out. He is do quick now at getting out that a pram is actually dangerous, as he climbs out the top of the straps, and the buggy tips. Hence giving up, letting him walk, and just building an extra however long extra time in to allow for a walking toddler who has to stop to inspect every bug, twig and blade of grass!

I wrote a long reply but MN ate it - my dd3 has developed a real tantrum expertise in the past few months - usually accompanied by an ear piercing "No Mammy NO" , usually I have no idea what the jeff I have asked her to do that had resulted in suh a shouty reply

I have 3 daughters and each of them has gone through this, I ignore ( I know its easier said than done) but for my children it works. I move to another bit of the room and do something that doesn't involve her at all. She's wild nosy and will come for a look and forget to scream while doing so. I don't discuss or cajole when she's lying down with her head in her hands kicking etc - she really does tantrum in a very stereotypical way!

She doesn't like being in the buggy or getting her nappy changed either but she doesn't have to be happy all the time - I know this sounds really harsh and usually I'm a soft touch but with dd2 I went down the discussion route and it just prolonged the whole event!

I always picked what was important to me and didn't panic over what wasn't and worked within that. For example - I never stressed over a hat, or a jumper - if they're cold they'll learn to put it on, but I don't like food being thrown or spat out so if they didn't want to put a coat on - fine but if they spat food and were told No and went on to get hysterical - then they were ignored while I did something else.

It will pass (honest) and remember your childs screaming sounds louder to you them anyone else and it also seems to go on interminably but it doesn't. I always found 14 - 18 months or so the hardest bit of babyhood/toddlerhood.

My 14mo DD has mini tantrums sometimes, I've found that making things into a bit of a game with laughing and singing and peekaboo and raspberries on her tummy before I want to do something can distract her enough to stop a meltdown.

We did have a problem with bathtime for a while, our tactic was to run the bath then undress her and let her play on the bathroom floor with her bath toys. Gradually we'd throw them in the bath so she'd be interested, and want to get in to have a look. After a couple of weeks of this, she has mostly come round to bath time.

Toothbrushing we're still working on, but having some luck with giving her a toothbrush of her own, and sneaking the other one in her mouth occasionally.

We've given up on a hat and in the summer keep her in the shade. I try and plan our days to avoid buggy trips except when it's naptime, so she'll nap in there. And sometimes now I let her walk alongside the buggy for a bit till she gets tired, as it doesn't actually take that long. We all have waterproofs so can go out in the rain, but that's because I get cabin fever stuck at home in the rain too, so I'm also desperate to get out!

Great thank you for replies, so many useful things to try.

Yes pull ups are great. Do not know what we would do without them now!

He has always been hard to feed. Weaning was very hard as he always refused a spoon (and bibs!) and wanted to feed himself and throw/play with food. Now I just make his food and give it to him one piece at a time and if he eats that is good but if he is not interested or gets upset then we just finish meal time. Sometimes he eats nothing much, other times he eats everything.

I hadn't thought about spray suncream, sun cancer is in the family so hats /suncream are important.

It is such a hard job dressing him so I don't think the raincoat/waterproof solution will work very well, getting him into those would be a struggle.

We will work on the distracting and then ignoring. Ignoring will be very hard as he does sound very distressed.

I have an 18month old - a very grumpy screamer. He spent lunchtime today lying on his back negotiating the kitchen while screaming - he was very clever to avoid the cat water bowl and the stairs! It happens with pretty much every meal time, our trigger is tired and hungry because he's the youngest and his routine is a bit out of sorts at the moment.

He was teething a few weeks ago and his behaviour was horrendous, then he was lovely for a few weeks, now he's screaming most of the day again.

I vaguely follow the wonder weeks which says that just before they learn something new they go through a very unsettled patch so am hoping that's what's going on with mine - he is very close to talking.
Apart from all that I aim to be as fun and silly as I can so that he enjoys doing things with/for me. I have to give him lots of time to think about something before he needs to do it, and get him to do it if possible.

My 14 month old dd is having tantrums also and ds did at this age. They aren't too young. Tantrums can start around 1, peak at 2 and hopefully calm by 3. In reality though we can all have a good foot stomp when we can't get our own way!

I think it helps to try and see it from their perspective. Think about how frustrated you feel when baby won't do what you need them to. I know I've been brought to tears. And that is with the ability to rationalise and understand the cause of our frustration. I always think with babies and toddlers it must be like that magnified by 1000.

I know when it happens in the house. I also worry about the neighbours. There is a teeny baby next door and I'm very conscious that dd wakes him. However, what I realised was that, that was my biggest concern, I can actually deal with (ignore) the tantrum without getting too stressed if I stop worrying about what other people think.

Good luck

I found some of the advice here quite helpful, hope you are not letting this get you down! xx funkygiraffebibs.co.uk/how-to-deal-with-the-terrible-tantrums-part-1/blog_128.html