dont know what to about my 8year old daughters attitude

[loho]

im totally at the end of my tether with my 8 year old daughter, she has a smart answer for absolutely everything, a simple request can end in a full blown arguement, her attitude towards me and they way she speaks to me is hellish, its happening more and more often and to be honest i just dont know how to deal with it.
sometimes all i want her to say is "sorry mum" without me having to tell her to.
i dont really know how to punish her, nothing seems to bother her! ive been sending her up to her room to " think about her attitude and the way she speaks to me etc etc" but i dont think this is working.
i'd like to think that ive brought her up to be a nice polite young girl but im starting to think ive made a right a arse of it!!
any advice would be great especially if you have been through similar issues yourself

I have a coupla challenging boys and one well behaved one so I'd like to think I'm not a totally crap parent. The advice that works IME is fairly standard. BEgin with a massive campaign of praising her good bits. Then set up the things you want to work on the most by sitting her down and explaining there is going to be a new regime in which you are working on x (eg rudeness). Explain very clearly the standards you expect and what the consequences will be if she breaks the rule - eg no playing on whatever toys/gadgets she prefers for half an hour, an hour, an afternoon, 24 hours. Start with minimum removal, work up to longest you need to to have an impact. If it's sleepovers, shopping, whatever, you need to follow through.

Keep praising her good bits all the while and try - this is the bit I find hardest - to stay calm all the time, even when she's trying to wind you up - honestly, we're all pretty volatile here and when I don't rise to it but simply impose consequences, they all behave much better.... When she improves substantially over a period of time, reward her for her good behaviour. It helps to monitor the incidences of bad behaviour before, during and after the new regime so both of you can see things improving. And really, pick your battles - choose the worst bit of her behaviour to improve first and leave the others bit until that is better, then work on the others.

Good luck - it is hard...

My 8 year old dd is very moody, its normal as her hormones are preparing for puberty.

Read Hold onto your kids

and How to talk so kids will listen

Lots of practical advice I use with my kids, children in my family and those I teach.

She must be my DD's twin. Also 8.

I could throw her out the window at times.

And my dd's triplet!

its good to know im not alone, i have just had a big talk with her but to be honest i seem to be having these talks every other week, i think i need to set out some very clear guidelines on what i expect and what i consider unacceptable plus consequences that are enforcable (i thought i had done this but maybe i havnt been totally consistant). dear god if this is preparation for puberty i dont know how i will cope come the teenage years, my step son is 14 and hasnt been any thing as bad as this!

We have lots of talks too and she is so lovely 90 percent of the time but the ten percent its like she just cannot help herself and control it! I would definitely say hormones as my dd has started to develop little breast buds and sweats sometimes too.

I am somewhat naively thinking she will get it all out her system now and be a delightful teen!

we are exactly the same, have a serious talk, daughter gets upset and tells me she will stop it, try harder etc and then its fine but it always happens again, i think u may be right about the hormones,

crumbs i think i may have a nervous breakdown before she becomes a teen! i hope she's not like me when i was a teenager! arrgghhhh! now i realise how my mum felt

Mine is the same, especially with the gobby answering back. I can let it wash over me to some extent but it drives DH bonkers. It got so bad last week that the idea of living in the same house as the two of them when she was an actual real teenager with hormones made me cry

Hi loho sorry to hear you have your hands full. My 7 year old DD is really a handful at times so I totally sympathise.

My dd is quite rude at times but today when she tipped her chair backwards at the BBQ it was me who ran to comfort her (more embarrassment than pain - I think) and she clung on to me like a koala. Being in places where she does not know lots of other people or feels it is all new (like a museum we have not visited before) or at a friend's house who she does not know well, tends to bring out the little girl in her who needs me. Being always in familiar places and often in charge makes her rude and unpleasant!

So I am not suggesting you tip her chair over (!!) but rather that when you get the chance to be the caring mummy you build up a bit of capital on it and try and help her to see that you are her best friend/ally etc. Do some more stuff together.

I have no idea how close your relationship is with your DD and what other factors are in play but I would suggest if you don't do it already to build in some mummy and me time with DD, where you do some lovely activities and maybe (just maybe) this will help her attitude to you.

Encourage her to talk about how she feels and why she thinks it is OK to be so rude to you (I am assuming she is not rude to everyone else - well, certainly for me my DD is very polite at school and it is me and her dad who get the rude behaviour!)

I often say to my DD when she is rude to me, how would she feel if other children spoke to me like that; that having a mum she is rude to doesn't make her look big, it makes her look sad!

I think punishments etc are all very helpful but it also helps to help them work through it.

I'd also suggest you find out if anything is going on at school/brownies or whatever that might be making her rude. For example is she being left out, bullied or has she fallen in with a few girls who talk to their mums like that too? Sorry if this is too obvious. Sometimes we do miss stuff because we think we know our children so well and yet they can still surprise us!

If you already do all that then I don't think I can add much!

Just ideas.

We are seeing the schools link worker about our daughter?s attitude so we are getting some outside help because we have reached the point where we think we need it. So sadly I don?t know much but I do sympathise.

All the best.

I'm getting exactly the same from my DD(8). She just seems so negative at the moment. I'm thinking it may be hormonal too, some of her outbursts are very PMTesque.

I've given her part of 'The Talk' i.e. periods but not sex. It was good in a way because she took it well and because I'm such a bitch with PMT of real life examples she was able to see how her hormones can affect her mood.

I think its brought us a bit closer together.

My 8 year old dd is exactly like this! Temper tantrums, 'you are ruining my life' strops, doors slamming, 'I hate you'. :(
She's almost 9 and getting breast buds like a pp mentioned but she's been a difficult child all of her life tbh. I have 5 children including 2 lovely perfect teenagers so i can't be too bad as a parent!

I do actually have a pretty close relationship with her. In good moments we cuddle up on the sofa and she tells me how much she lives me and we talk about her outbursts. She just says she can't help it.

I have found the best way of dealing with it is to mostly ignore it, if she storms upstairs I just leave her and she's usually bored and back down within 5 minutes, I then ask her if she's calmed down enough to have a civil conversation!

scooter I know exactly what you mean about DH. DH just loses his rag when she's rude and they end up arguing which makes me want to run away!!

I'm dreading the teenage years - seriously - I'm also hoping she's getting it out of the way now and will be an angel

I have found this the toughest age so far.

She sounds exactly like my dd only difference is she's 7! I know how you feel I have a ds who is 3.6 and I can see he is picking things up from her, god help us when they are teenagers!

My dd has been much the same, she is nearly 8.

In the last few weeks or so has just been rude in the way she speaks to us and generally very angry about things for no apparent reason.

Today it started again when she was in the bath and I asked gently what was wrong and why she was so angry and grumpy, she said 'I don't know why I am like this and so naughty, I don't like feeling like this, but I just can't stop'

It broke my heart to hear her say this, I truely believe they can't help it you know, it must be hormones - I must admit I am a bit Menopausal at the moment and it is a horrid feeling - you know you are being unreasonable yet can't stop it.

I think all we can do is be good role models, by not shouting back and getting into an argument - easier said than done sometimes! - and praise all the positives, letting them know you understand and are there.

I am working on using my 'calm' voice!!!

paddling my dd also says she can't help it and she doesn't like being angry.
I'm pretty calm with her but DH loses his temper quite often. I usually just have a chat when she's calmed down and ask her why she overreacted etc...

Umm, It's bloomin' hard this parenting lark!! Give me a toddler any day.

My DP is much the same as yours, I can see him getting really cross with her, but also he does say the wrong thing and can wind her up!

I chat too and she knows it isn't right, but it doesn't stop it happening again [sigh].

I wondered if chatting about it is the right thing, or whether that then gives it attention, but I she is very good at expressing how she feels and I do want to encourage that, rather than her go into herself.

Maybe things will be a little easier when they go back to school, I am sure the lack of routine/later nights doesn't help either. Sometimes I feel I just want my happy, funny little girl back :( I get fleeting glimpses still, but not enough.

I have got a book 'how to talk so children listen and listen so children talk', I need to dip into it again, it is very enlightening!

I want mine back toopaddling - don't think it's going to happen though

Star charts with a real incentive that they choose. You have to stick with it for a while tho. I have a 9, 7 and 18 year old dd. it's really hard work! Good luck

Mines the same! I get 'whatever' reply to most of my requests to the new one is 'loser' argh....

I do think she copies her friends really easily. During summer holidays she's been less cheeky but after one day of playing with a particular friend I noticed the cheekiness had come back along with even talking in her friends way of speaking.

I banned her from watching the Disney channel and icarly etc thinking she was picking stuff up from there but I think it's from school friends. I just say to her not to speak to me in that manner and then if it continues send her to her room for thinking time. Somedays she can be very trying though! I'll have to remember to praise the positives more.

My DD who is 9 this weekend is exactly the same, I find myself shouting at her in order to get her to listen or do as I asked, she ends up in tears, DH intervenes and has a go at me for always being horrible to her, I end up in tears, I feel bad, end up apologising to her, rinse and repeat. It's exhausting sometimes.

High maintenance age! Mine watches ICarly too Imlost - I've banned it in the past for this very reason! I've watched it with her though, its not that bad

May be a coincidence, but we've joined a gym this week as a family. This morning there was a good session of games for the children so we booked our gym induction to coincide. DD (8) was tired but energised when she came out. We went for a walk in the woods in the afternoon. All day cheek free.