Would you give a child anything else when they REFUSE to eat tea yet again? HELP, at the end of my tether.

[CrapBag]

My DS used to eat everything. He then hit 20 months and gradually got fussier. At first I didn't mind the odd thing being dropped from his diet and he was still eating about 5 different meals that the HV said were absolutely fine and they had no concerns.

Now he is 4.6 and I am getting to the end of my tether. Unless it is chilli con carne or spaghetti bolognase, he won't eat it. He will eat pasta in sauce and I can mix in some baby corn. He will eat a small amount of chicken curry on occasion, a meal that he always loved. Now I can count on one hand the amount of times he has finished or even eaten any of his tea in the last month!!! He has dinner at about 11.30-12 and I don't let him eat in the afternoons even when he says he is hungry in an attempt to get him to eat his tea. He will then look at his tea and just refuse to eat. I will not do the "come on, just have a bit" I tend to say oh well, you will be hungry and thats it.

Even when me, DH and DD sit eating ice cream (to make him see that we get nice things after when we eat all of our tea) he just doesn't care. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am throwing away food all the time. Sometimes I save it for the next day and present it back to him but pasta isn't something that can really be saved and reheated. Recently he even done it with chilli which is his absolute favourite.

He is one to pick up something very quickly so even of once I let him have some fruit or bread and butter after tea, I know that presented with a tea he has decided he won't eat, he would always take the option of just having some bread and butter and fruit instead. I know these aren't bad things but it would feel like I am giving in and saying that he doesn't have to eat his tea as he knows something else would be on offer. At the moment if he doesn't eat, tough, he gets nothing until breakfast and he is happy to do this. I am not. I was practically starved as a child and just not fed properly so I can't understand why he won't eat and seems to be surviving on breakfast, dinner then nothing until the next morning!! It doesn't seem right!

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WWYD?

They tell you th best thing to do is not to make a huge fuss of it as it will make it much worse.

When I was a child I would only eat beans and sausages, my mum took me to the doctor who said well let her eat beans and sausages....

In my opinion I would probably take the tea away if he would not eat it, no pushing, no forcing, no fuss, thats it.

If he was very hungry at bed time I might give him some boring cereal or toast but nothing special.

Same advice as olympic. No fuss, no cross look on your face, just tea's ready, come to the table. All eat together, ds must also sit at the table even if he doesn't eat. I would reduce his portion size just to make sure it's not the sight of too much food bothering him (doesn't sound like it, but just to be on the safe side). I'd also make completely different meals to usual - that might tempt him a bit. I wouldn't comment on if he eats or if he doesn't. If he asks later for anything just say no as you didn't eat your tea. I'd also give him cereal or toast before bed, but literally just before bedtime so that he doesn't associate it with extra food even though he didn't eat. You could maybe also make it a new thing for everyone, the option of small snack before bed, that way he would be singled out and feel like he's won the battle because you've given him food..

ok

I have BTDT and we are just coming out of the other side

DS2 reduced to:
mashed potato
raw carrot
banana/apple/grapes/strawbs
plastic ham
cheddar cheese
cereals
bread
milk
plain cheese pizza
ketchup
custard
yogurts with no bits

he still cannot bear food to be touching on the plate, ramekining food really helps this

he has no SN but issues with texture. As he ate pretty much all food groups in tiny amounts apart from meat we felt it fair enough have bread and butter on table and free access to fruit bowl.

we used to put the tea on the table and not comment AT ALL about what was/wasn't being eaten (terribly diff, this).

Food and love are very much inter twined; rejection of food feels like rejection of you, yes? But it's not [hugs]

If you haven't had experience of a child with issues around food it's terribly easy to say oh they won't starve, why are you making a fuss, I wouldn't put up with that etc etc.

I have reduced his portion sizes and I don't comment or make a fuss as I know that is the advice generally given. Getting DH to remember that is a bloody pain though.

Also he LOVES cereal and toast and would quite happily hold out until bedtime knowing thats what he would get.

Thats why I am so frustrated. I am doing exactly as you have advised, giving it to him, not commenting, making him sit there whilst we eat (we don't have a table, no room so me and DH have to eat on our laps whilst DS has a little table and chair set and DD is still in her high chair). God it gets on my nerves!!!! I do think it is a control thing with him but I have showed him I don't care so why still do it!!! Grrrrrrr.

See if I list everything he will eat it probably won't seem so bad but its meals that he seems to refuse. He likes chicken, most of the time he will not eat it, he likes pork chops, refused to eat it last night. He was starting to get better as well, actually trying new things and we were really pleased and praised him, then he just got worse again. I am hoping that starting school in September will mean that he will be hungry enough to eat.

DH wants to introduce a sticker chart. These are effective when dealing with DS and behaviour but I have said I am refusing to reward him for food related issues.

Ivana I have problem with DS even trying something new. He just point blank refuses. I often put other things on his plate with stuff he likes, without saying anything, and he always immediately picks it off and puts it on the table.

Feel free to lurk for ideas though.

at the moment it is really hot and mine don't have much appetite - so smaller size portions anyway.

for this problem, with DD1 - i only served food she liked, for months, and then put in the occasional small bowl of less favoured food, with a larger pudding after.

any refusal and no alternative was offered, it just went away.

Doesn't seem to be tastes and textures, he is unbelievably fussy and I do think it is a control thing. I am going to take him food shopping to see if there is anything different he wants for a packed lunch when he starts school though.

Dd has been terrible but is really coming on in leaps and bounds now, (she is 4.5) for a good while all she would eat was Weetabix.

We just did similar to above, just dished up dinner and let her get on with it, the only rule was that she had to sit with us, if she left it all, no comment, if she tried something then just a quiet 'oh well done dd' rather than a massive fanfare (which can be very tempting). If she said she was hungry at other times I just gave her Weetabix and then as her menu grew yoghurts, breadsticks, toast etc etc.

I wouldn't give anything 'junk' between meals (I don't really anyway) but would let her snack on anything healthy. She is now eating most of what we eat but it has been a long hard haul.

My ony other tips would be to never label them ie 'dd is a really fussy eater' and never comment to others in their presence that they don't like something. Also avoid 'if you eat X you can have y' as it makes the pudding look like a treat and the meal and ordeal, when it should all just be food.

Yes name is a Friends reference. Love that bit with Mike. "Just think of a bag of crap"

It is nothing to do with food-it is a power struggle.
Take all emotion out of it.
Serve the meal, if they don't eat it take it away. Serve pudding and the same.
Don't encourage, don't discuss, don't comment. DON'T serve anything else until the next meal. If they say they are hungry just say mildly, in a vaguely surprised way 'well I expect you would be, you didn't eat your dinner'. Repeat like a broken record as necessary.
They won't starve. They will get the message that they need to eat when it is presented.

If you really don't like having nothing available then let them help themselves from the fruit bowl-but nothing else.

This is what I was afraid of, its exactly what I do do, present food, nothing else, tell him its because he didn't eat his tea when he tells me he is hungry etc etc.

God, I do do everything 'right' and he is still being stubborn. I guess I just keep going and hope it changes.

What does he have for his dinner at 12? If he eats well at midday (and breakfast) he might simply not be up for a big meal at tea time.

For dinner he eats either sandwiches (cheese or jam) 2 pieces of bread, toast, crackers or cracker bread, 2 small fromage frais, some strawberries and grapes and some cheese on the plate if he didn't have cheese sandwiches. He will usually say he is still hungry and I let him have a jam tart or something. Sometimes he has a bit of my apple as well. He eats a lot more at lunch than any other time and DD eats more at tea and not a lot for lunch so I think they are just hungrier at different times.

He is a healthy weight for his height, between the 75th and 90th centile which is where he was born, he has loads of energy so he isn't lethargic or anything from lack of food. I know I should just stop worrying about it but I can't.

Have you tried swapping the meals over? Give him his cooked meal at lunchtime and his sandwiches at tea time maybe, if he always eats his sandwiches without any issues?

I read somewhere once that a child was far more likely to be labelled a fussy eater if they ate well at breakfast and lunch but poorly at dinner than a child who ate poorly at breakfast or lunch but ate well for dinner. If his food intake is fine when you consider the whole day then perhaps that's just his eating pattern rather than fussiness. There's nothing wrong with a cereal snack before bedtime so long as it isn't frosties or similar!

I'd just ask him what he wanted to eat for tea and give him that. If it was a sandwich or beans on toast then... shrug.

Sometimes it really is that simple.

He is stubborn because he knows that you are bothered. Whatever you say, your body language is anxious. If he was at my house for 2 weeks he would eat anything because when I said 'take it or leave it' he would know that I really wasn't bothered which!
Another ploy is wear him out first-take him on a 5 mile walk!

Sorry-I was forgetting age-anyway-wear him out!