4 yr old going on 16

[LoobyLou85]

my 4yr old DD has always been very head strong, something we have always encouraged. The things is her behaviour has gone way beyond that recently and she has become just plane naughty, being rude, answering back, screaming, smacking, throwing tantrums, literally stamping her feet and outright refusal! Her behaviour escalates around some family members that she knows won't correct her or tell her 'no'. This behaviour has begun to follow us when we go out aswell and it is driving me INSANE.
I spoke to a friend recently who said that it is a right of passage for all little girls heading up to 'big school' and that she'll soon grow out of it. I am worried though because she has so many good qualities, (she's helpfull, caring, very good at sharing etc) that i'm worried might get lost amongst all the bad. Her younger brother, my DS is 3 and doesn't want to spend time with her ATM because of her sometimes quite spiteful behaviour, which is very upsetting because with only 16months between them in age, they have always been so close.
I have tried EVERYTHING...reward charts, timeout, removal of favourite toys and earning them back etc and although i consider myself to be consistent my DH and other family members are NOT!
please help...

always removing something, a privilege or toy, when her behaviour is poor
always reward her with a hug or a kind word, special privilege when great behaviour
I had to do the same for my 4 year old little madam and I informed her "I will always take something away when your behaviour is bad" and " you will always get a huge cuddle when your behaviour is terrific!"
During a tantrum, it is powerful modelling if you never yell or show anger back
It is not surprising she has is trying it on if others rarely discipline her. Your husband desperately needs to act as a parenting team and respect your consistent efforts to teach her how to be a happy, well adjusted child. Tell him your aims, so that she can, for example, be invited to and behave well at friends houses.

I had the same problems too but we act well as team most!! of the time now and my daughter is loving school and a nice group of friends, but took time to get through the tantrums! We did remove additives see fedup.com.au which helped heaps.
My daughter was judged for her behaviour by mums at kinder (just ignore if this happens and stay strong with calm, consistent removal of priveleges, and lots of affection and rewards for even the tiniest good behaviour).

thanks sweetiesmum.... you're right about staying calm and acting as a team!! i think it's time my DH and i had a little chat to make sure we're both 'singing from the same song sheet' cos right now i just feel like i'm hitting my head against the brick wall. i'm really fed up with always being 'the bad guy'! my DD knows that as soon as DH comes home she doesn't have to listen to me anymore and can behave as she likes, it's the same with my DM and MIL! I like the idea about removing something when her behaviour is poor, i haven't tried that before. i always try to praise her when she behaves well but maybe a need to be more over the top and encouraging when she does something good ie sharing or an act of kindness to her brother etc! i will definitely check out your link too. x

You've got it in a nutshell- go over the top when she is kind to her brother(try a sticker, put it on her t-shirt or she can collect good behaviour stickers in her room, to remind her she can be gorgeous!!- 4 y. olds love them and u can buy sheets of them cheaply.
Have to say, tho that my daughter was not an angel today, nagging me over and over and over and over for lollies!! Arrghh! I think u and I have strong willed girls! but that could be fantastic when they are older and are great leaders!!
I think there is a link, whatsinyourbasket in England, too.

A book yr husband might like(simple, effective parenting skills with humour):

"Before your kids drive you crazy, read this!" by Nigel Latta or try:

"From No to Yes without bribing and spanking"Jerry Wyckoff & Barbara C Unell

I often flounder in my parenting skills and refer to them to make sense of what my kids r doing or what might work more effectively but mostly, to keep me sane!