Parents with no friends how can we teach DS to be better than us?

[OliveandJim]

I wasn't too sure where to post this but I'm getting increasingly worried about DP and my inability to make friends and how this will impact DS 16 months old. We're just back from 3 weeks holidays (staycation in London) and due to our lack of friendships DS spent very little time with other children over that time period. We actually bumped by coincidence into one of the other children who are at the same CM at the playground at the end of the street and DS seemed unnerved, completely unphased to see her, as if he didn't recognise her. I know of other mums who have strong NCT groups and their children seem to benefit from being surrounded by other kids and gain from the friendships their parents have and learn to build their own friendships with these kids. How can our DS learn (outside of being at the CM) to form friendships when his parents don't spend any time with their friends. He also rarely sees family as we don't get on with DPs and mine are in France. It's not because we're both bad a maintaining friendships/ awkward with others that we want our son not to be able to have friends on his own.
How do you make friends with parents with kids on behalf of your kids, where do you find these poeple?
Sorry, I know I sound silly but I don't wan tmy DS to end up lonely because of us.

Your ds is very young and at 16 months they don't really have a concept of friends. Most children's social skills blossom at two to three year old when they start nursery or the pre school room of a day nursery.

Do you belong to any community groups?

Thanks ReallyTired for getting back. DS seems attached to some of the other kids at the CM, just not the girl we saw at the playground but now that he's back there he gets really excited when he seems the others in the morning and can say their names and hugs and cuddles them in the vening when I pick him up. I'm just worried that when he's not at the CM he suddenly loses "social" contact with his peers and he even though he sees kids at the playground , he doesn't see the ones he knows so he gets all shy. DS is very advanced for his age, he can ride a scooter and speaks already quite well and all this I think is down to the relationship he has at the CM with the other kids who are older. It's just such a shame that come the holidays he loses all contact with "his friends"...and is left playing with strangers.
We don't belong to any community groups. What exaclty do you mean with community groups?

"What exaclty do you mean with community groups? "

It could almost be any group where there is a common shared interest. For example we go to church every sunday and have a lot of friends through church. If you aren't religious then maybe you could join a health club or prehaps there is a french speaking language group you could take your son to make friends.

I think you are worrying too soon. 16 months old is really young however good a child's language skills are. My dd was walking and speaking in full sentences at the same age, but she was very self focussed at that age. True friendships happen at two and half at the earliest in most children. At the age of 18 months to two and half children like parallel play ie. copying other children rather than necessarily interacting.

Development is down to nature as well as nuture. My two children are very different.

Thanks that's really good advice, a language group would be ideal, just not sure when I have the time to find these groups or attend them, I work full time you see. I'm just scared we'll end up going through the next holiday with no one to see. I can see that the 2/3 year olds at the playground are quite clicky and one boy always ends up being left out, I don't want my DS to be that boy in a years' time...

have you checked on the internet for toddler groups that run locally to you on your days off? thats a place to make friends for both of you :) there are often some bilingual ones at the Sure Start Centres, look up your local one.

You can join all the groups you want but if you don't make the effort with people then it won't work out. It's all about looking friendly, making an effort to be nice and chat to people. A;so making an effort, offering lifts or having people over for lunch etc. Once you practice these skills, everything will fall into place!!

Thanks Mrs Ruffallo, trying to be nice, I'm chatty to the other mums who have their kids at the same CM and offered to hook up over the holidays, one lives at the end of the street, but to no avail, I was told they already had plans and during the 3 weeks the CM was off she couldn't see us... Which is a shame as DS loves both her kids, but there you go! But she's typically one of those mums who has a close NCT group and is not interested in getting new poeple to join. I find this is the norm. Groups are often already made and one feels like an intruder and the other mums are usually not bothered to open up to an outsider.

really don't worry about this at all. Your DS is still very young and it takes a long time to get to know other people with children. I worried about DS1 as everyone else seemed to have groups of friends with children and we didn't. As soon as he got to school though he made loads of friends and through that network DS2 who is only 2.5 also has lots of playmates. It does happen, but you can't force it and it will take time.

oh and yes agree that once people have their 'group' they often don't have the inclination to make new friends. I am probably guilty of this with DS2 as I don't have the need to make new friends now. I know how isolating it feels though

My DS didn't really make friends until he started school. He was at a daycare but it was a rush, rush when dropping off and picking up in the morning. When he starts school make sure and begin arranging playdates with the other children.

I get the feeling though that this is as much about you not having any friends?

DH & I are a bit like this, in terms of not having many friends.

I've found a few local toddler groups / playgroups, so I try to take DS along to one at least once a week - I figure even if I don't manage to strike up conversation with other mums, DS will at least be getting used to other kids being around.

Have you got a surestart near you? They usually have classes or play sessions you can take toddlers to. Our local village hall has a toddler group, as does our local leisure centre - if you have facilities like these near you, you could check to see if they have toddler groups you can take your DS to.

It can be a bit daunting the first time you go to a new group, but it does get easier if you persevere.

Many Thanks to all for your feedback and words of advice. It isn't easy when one is working all week to find the time and energy during w-es to socialise with total strangers or join new groups, etc... The week ends go by so quickly that I barely have the time to handle the laundry and other chores that I feel socialising would take me over the edge. I rtaher just go to the playgorund at the end of the street.

I'm obviously keen to make new friends but perhaps my expectations are unrealistic. Finding poeple who have children at about the same age as DS whose company one enjoys, who live close by, have the same inclinations is close to impossible.

Also, a few of my friends with one DC, got pregnant with no.2 and moved to the countryside or at least outside of London so it feels like one has to repeat the same process again and again...

Wips, I do have friends just not in London. Many of my good friends live abroad (France, Germany, Switzerland, or my sister who lives in South Korea). I rarely see my single friends or childless friends but they seem to have more important things to do and DS is more interested in his peers than adults.

But getting more organised during the holidays and joining groups then could be the solution...

Thanks again, good to know one is not alone facing these situations.

Just a thought - you seem to prioritising laundry and chores over socialising. From your thread title, it seems that this isn't making you happy...

Can you think of 'meeting up with others' or 'go to music/ swimming class/ any group' as something to put on your to-do list, but make sure it's right up at the top?

Really, the best way to help your DC to make friends (or to do anything else, really) is to model the behaviour you want copied.

Olive We both work FT too, and with DS2 I go to a Toddler Sense group on a Saturday morning specifically to give me a chance to do a 'proper mum' thing once a week.

We have a cleaner and DH does the washing and ironing while I do the cooking and shopping. I make sure I keep my weekend as free as possible from housework as I don't see the DC much during the week. I find we are frantically busy during the week, but chill out at the weekend

Plus like you we have few friends near us although lots around the world and our parents live in the UK while we don't.

Where are you in London??

South, Streatham Hill