Constantly asking what's going to happen next

[AngelDog]

My patience is being sorely tried at the moment. 2.7 y.o. DS spends half the day asking what is going to happen next.

It works on a micro-level (what's going to happen after breakfast? After you've had a shower? After we get home?). It also happens on a macro level (What are we going to do this morning? What are we doing this afternoon? What are we going to do tomorrow morning? Tomorrow afternoon? Wednesday morning? Wednesday afternoon?)

I often say I don't know because I haven't decided. Then DS goes on and on about 'What will happen after the thing you don't know?'

I can understand the macro-level questions, but when he's asking about things that are going to happen a week and a half into the future, I start losing the will to live. And he knows what will happen at a micro level eg after breakfast I have a shower. If I ask him to tell me, he can do so.

Has anyone had this, and have you found that producing some kind of timetable helps?

Not much help but I can remember my DS like this at the same age ............ now he's a grumpy pre-teen and I can barely get two words out of him .

How about asking him what he suggests you do - (the old 'answer the question with a question' trick). I think dealing with these persistant questions is just part of being a parent.

Good luck !

i would just keep replying "you tell me" or "what do you think?" or "what would you like to do?"

Yes, I do often ask him. Sometimes he tells me, and sometimes he says, "Mummy tell me."

Of course, this goes alongside all the "What is x?, "What x because" [ie why],
"If x didn't happen...", "What are you doing?" questions. I should get on with getting out of the house. I feel more patient then, and I get checkout assistants rolling their eyes sympathetically at me.

Sorry, I'm just tired this morning and not in the mood for it all. DS is lovely really. :)

Maybe think of some sentance to reply with untill the phase passes?

"we will have to wait and see"
"what would you like to happen"

Then also try to plan your day. Some children like a striked routine. Get him to help you plan the day and then when he ask tell him you will have to plan what to do before bed or in your planing hour

My DD is like this. She likes to know what is happening, and struggles if plans are changed at the last minute. I tell her, that afaik at the moment, x y and z will be happening. So, lunch is at 12, we're going for a walk at 1, but may have to come back early if DH needs picking up from work. I also ask her to help me plan the day. She enjoys the structure of school (playtime at the same time everyday, golden time on a friday, pe on a tues and thurs) It makes her feel better to "see" what the day ahead looks like. DS is the complete opposite and if I gave him 5minutes to pack a suitcase because we were emigrating he would do it without batting an eyelid.

Oh, pressed post too soon. When DD was really getting to me one school holiday I made her make a timetable and put a clock next to it. Nothing strict or rigid but more to save her asking me constantly "what are we doing next, when is lunch". She got a lot out of it and it really helped her.

I think he is trying to learn time. Could you give him a watch or do you have a clock then take photos of the things you doand make a book of what will happen everyday. Then when he asks ask him to check the clock and his book?

Sorry to disappoint...but I still get this with my 11yo's

What are we doing when we get home?
I dunno.
Will we be doing x?
I.dunno
Will we be doing y?
If I dunno what we will be doing I don't know if we'll.be doing x or y.

Arggghhh drives.me mad!

DH always wants to know the plan for the day.

I don't always have one Grrrr!

This is really common with adopted kids and they advise that you have a timetable. I have an adopted DS who doesn't ask this but he does get quite anxious sometimes if we do things he wasn't expecting, so was thinking of drawing up a timetable.

Your DS is a similar age to mine so i will just stick pictures on it instead of writing. The good thing about pictures is that you don't have to write it against a specific time. You can just stick the pics in the order you are going to do them.

Although, he might just like asking that question. My DSs fave was "whatcha doing Mummy". Over an over again, even after i'd told him. For 3 weeks i told him something different - if i was getting him dressed then i'd say "i'm cooking tea". He'd look puzzled then smile an we'd both giggle about. Making it fun saved me wanting to kill him, and he's now stopped asking that question unless he really doesn't know what i'm doing.

Thanks, everyone, for some good ideas.

I did write out a timetable for the week yesterday, and at least I could say, "Why don't you have a look at your timetable and see if you can work it out?" rather than having to explain. DS has always been very interested in letters, so even though he's tiny, he can identify some of the days of the week by their initial letters. I think this could be good for his reading! :)

I think he's been finding it harder since it's been the holidays, since we're not doing things like toddler groups & swimming lessons which give a lot of structure to our week.

We have a pretty repetitive rhythm to our days, but it'd probably help him if I wrote that down too.

I like your idea about the 'what are you doing' questions, flossy. DS responds really well to humour and it does drive me mad when it's completely obvious what I'm doing.

We have grandparents visiting today & tomorrow, so at least that provides some immediate respite - he'd rather be playing with them than pestering me!

In addition to all the ideas above, it count just be a request for reassurance. Dc2 used to do this a lot. I found it best to not answer the question in itself but to focus on talking to him about anything else!
Sometime my dc just wanted to know that I'm listening.

I'd be tempted to make up really outlandish things that he knows will not happen, but that you could pretend around if it came to it. Like: "I thought we'd go in a rocket to see the moon". If you go out you could go through all the things you would need to pack, count down from 10 and wave goodbye etc, in a fairly roundabout way (allowing for lots of tangets in between! Or not take it that far if it is conveniently forgotten about). "Ah, well today, we're having tea with the gruffalo"... "We're going to go down to town but look out very carefully for any big brown bears/red and blue cars on the way," that sort of thing. Nothing so specific that you might have to actually deliver elements of! Unless you want to incorporate them into the stories.

Also, our CM has a little whiteboard that she writes up the timings of the day on. It is not a pre prepared one, just a whiteboard, and it has 'good morning', children's arrival and leaving times, snack/lunchtimes on, with a few little pictures. It seems to work very nicely as a grounding tool and as it isn't a pre-drawn one, it is easy to wipe off and change. He might like that.

I teach and always have a visual timetable, I believe this works well for younger children. It can be pictures e.g. of breakfast, a shower, the park, grandma's house and if he asks you could suggest he orders them? Or you could decide together at the start of the day

Thanks. :)

Those outlandish ideas would definitely appeal to DS, Divinyl.

There are times when I do think it is boredom, or just wanting conversation. It's worst in the morning when we're having breakfast / shower / getting ready - generally when DS is hanging around waiting for me to finish doing things. I'm really not good at mornings, so I'm probably a much less interesting conversationalist then than at other times of the day! I might try setting up little invitations to play and see if that helps occupy him then.

Yes, it might be a kind of "Hurry up with the boring morning stuff...what are we doing today? I'm dressed, what are you waiting for?" Goodness knows, I get that too and DD can only say a handful of single words so far! I am often to be found trying to avoid going in front of open curtains in bra and pants because DD has marched me downstairs and is trying to chivvy me up (note to DD, everyone involved being at least 85% dressed is a ground rule for pretty much anything you want to do, Sweet Cheeks...) I thought that once you had given a few fantasy answers, he'd come to terms with your answers not always being literal things on the timetable, but nice to imagine.

To disappoint even further - I'm still like this now - I like knowing what's going to happen [control freak] and think it's just in my nature as I've always as far as I can remember been like it. I guess all children are diferent and yours will feel alot more happy and confident and secure knowing what the day holds. From my perspective, if you put me in a toddler body and I had no idea what I was doing day to day hour to hour it would drive me mad. Maybe give him control over what you do if you have nothing planned - he might like deciding what to do. Also, to take the pressure off could you try making it into a fun story - ie 'what would you like to do? Shall we go bear hunting or visit the gruffalo or maybe we can fly and visit the fairies?' and make up stories together. I have no idea if that would work but he might enjoy the dialogue and give you a minute to think what you might do

OK, just read all the messages and realise the made up things to do idea has already been mentioned

Waves at AngelDog from blw thread ages ago (although I've name changed since then and can't rmember what my old name was!).

My DD does this too. I generally turn it into a question for her, or ask what she would like to do then make up a silly story that works around her suggestion. I feel for you though, it gets a bit wearing after a while!

Hello, MadMonkeys (sorry, no idea who you were, but nice to see you anyway. :))

DS and I now have a little joke which goes:

DS: "Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to? Where we going to go to?"
Me: "Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed bed," (or wherever).

He gets very excited by it. :)

This week should be easier as we are going to special swimming lessons every morning so that's nice & straightforward.

reastie, maybe he takes after my DH who's a planner & organiser, rather than me who's chaotic and disorganised spontaneous.

I think you got some really good answers here. I would try playing devil's advocate first (answering his questions with more questions, or giving him a negative response like "bed") and if that doesn't work try allowing him to make a time table about what your average days look like so he can have an itinerary each day.

If all else fails answer what you can and tune out the rest. Sometimes I think children really just talk to be heard, so if you stop acknowledging each and every question, he may choose which are actually worth asking more carefully. Food for thought.

The kid and I do a 'plan' for the day in the morning where she contributes, although obviously not entirely as we can't just go swimming all day every day, sadly. The questions that I find hardest are the "And if x wasn't the case ..?" or "If y was the case...?" questions - they always start with "And .." Favourites include me:"Shall we sit on the sofa and have a snack?" her:"And if we didn't have a sofa?" and her:"And if the sun was made of gas?"

She seems to like being involved in the planning, and having an idea of what the day holds - although like you we're missing her groups and things over the summer so at the moment it is the same few things (park A, park B, Park C, garden, cooking, eating, shops, museum, town, cars, play doh etc, just shuffled about) She can sort of tell the time too - we used her questioning to show her about clocks, initially by saying things like 'when the long hand is on 8 it will be time for dinner' and things like that. She's happier now she has some idea - I'm not sure if she can actually tell the time as she's quite coy about letting on about stuff unless she is certain, but she will sometimes say things like "Look at the time! It's 10 to 10!" if I haven't left for work.

We agree on a plan - you know it's finished when she says "That sounds like a plan" and offers a high five and that does lessen the questions about what will happen next, but we're going away at the weekend so we are getting a lot of "When we are on holiday ..." and "At our holiday house ..." questions - kids just want information.

Since putting that idea onscreen though, I must say I have caught myself thinking how I could actually make scrambled snake to incorporate into a gruffalo day (scrambled egg on toast with something suitably snakey on top). My creative brain cell has clearly not quite been beaten into submission!

Machadaynu, I love your 'if' examples - that sounds so much like DS. At least 50% of his sentences start with "If" (though not all are actual 'if' sentences IYSWIM).

A discussion might be:

Me: If we can get ready quickly enough, we'll go to the post office and then to the doctor's. If it takes a long time to get ready, we'll go straight to the doctor's.
DS: [What] If it takes a very quick time to get ready?
Me: In that case, we'll go to the post office first, and then the doctor's.
DS: [What] If it takes a medium time to get ready?
Me: Well, if we have enough time, we'll go to the post office first.
DS: [What] If we have almost enough time?
Me: If we only have almost enough and not quite enough, we'll go straight to the doctor's.
DS: [What] If we go straight to the doctors'?
Me:

Although I do get more fun questions like 'if all the oxygen got taken away by the bin lorry to the rubbish dump...? [what would happen].

AngeDog I think we should introduce your DS to our DD - the oxygen question is very much the sort of thing she would ask. In fact it sounds like a question she would ask having watched 'Here Comes the Science' by They Might Be Giants, which she adores. That's where the 'and if the sun was made of gas...?' questions come from. If you don't have it, I recommend it very much, but you need to be on your toes. We've been asked among other things what else is a plasma apart from the sun and what the names of all the elements are.

Your doctors/post office conversation is also very similar to the park/post office debate we had yesterday:

me: "We'll go to the Post Office on the way to the park, then we'll go to the park"
Kid: "because the Post Office sometimes closes early"
me: "Exactly"
Kid: "and if we don't go to the post office before the park?"
me: "well, daddy will have to carry this parcel all around the park"
Kid: "and the post office might be closed when we're finished"
me: "Yes, so we'll go there first I think"
Kid: "and if daddy had to carry the parcel around the park?"

Your DS sounds clever; the oxygen question at 2.7 is ace :) He's just after as much information as he can get to try and make sense of everything I think. I always assume the kid's questions are a result of her realising that we dont' always do exactly what we say we will, and trying to understand the reasons that might cause plans to change. I guess that way she learns more about each thing than if it just happened - e.g. if we had just gone to the post office and then the park she would have learned nothing because she's done that before. I'm not quite sure what she learned from the discussion we had yesterday, bit it will have been something, and she will weave it into her world view. I just love the way things we tell her come back to the surface months later having been analysed and digested.

That said, I can totally empathise with:

me (my plan is to get your cardigan on, get your shoes on and get in the car to collect mummy in the next five minutes)

kid (let's revisit the different shoe options, the occasions I've worn them all, their sizes, shoes I've had in the past and places I wore those, which shoes you can wear without socks, the car we used to have, the car we now have, the number of gears in the cars mummy and daddy owned before I was born, the route we will take, the places we might meet traffic, what mummy will say when we pick her up, what we will do when mummy gets home, things we need to check before we go out, what colour the door on our old house was ...)

Ach, that last scenario sounds truly draining