aggressive 11 yr old, I am really worried and dont know what to do :(

[whattodowithds2]

Name changed for this because I dont want anyone irl to know just yet and apologies for the length.
Basically we are having behaviour problems with ds2 who is just 11 and I dont know what to do. He has become quite aggressive lately which I know is maybe normal for his age but what really worries me is that today he stabbed ds1s friend (who is 16) in the hand with a pen and gave him a right cut. A few weeks ago he threatened to stab ds1 with a knife during some argument, but didnt. Both times he was home alone with ds1 while dh and myself went shopping, at 11 I really think I should be able to leave him for brief periods with ds1 who is 13.5. He is not allowed play violent games on xbox or watch anything on tv thats not age appropriate. He doesnt see any violence in our home, so he is not copying what he sees. He gets a lot of one to one attention, more than his brother or sister really, because he is very involved in sport and dh goes with him to every training session and match. The only thing I can think of that might be linked is that dh has a long term illness and so things have been stressful over the past few years, between hospital visits, finances etc, but we have always tried to keep things stable and positive for the family. After this mornings incident he was grounded for the day, his phone is gone til the weekend, no computer or xbox for 2 weeks and he had to write an apology note to the other boy, is that an appropriate punishment, too hard, too easy? I have also made an appointment for the GP to see about getting a referral to a child psychologist, I want to get to the bottom of this behaviour, I dont want it to get worse and for him to be in real trouble in a few years. I should add that the teacher called me in before the school hols to comment on how his behaviour had deteriorated recently, that he had become cheeky and was mixing with a crowd of trouble makers (but he doesnt see them outside school), and we had acted on that. He is not being bullied, I am sure of that much.
Tell me what to do please, am I approaching it right, am I being ott or not doing enough, I am lost. Ds1 is totally different, I havent had any behaviour problems with him at all so have no experience :(. Thanks

Hi - I am no expert but I am sorry to hear of your sad struggle with DS2. Is there a grandparent or favourite auntie or uncle or cousin who could spend some special time with him? When he feels more relaxed with the extra special attention it could be a good time to talk about how concerned you are that he used a knife and a pen in this way. You need to be firm in saying that this is not the way to express yourself, not big and not clever etc and not the behaviour that you expect from him. You need to show him that you believe he is a good person (who did a stupid thing) and this will become self-fulfilling as he tries to be that good person for you. If he feels you believe he is bad then that is what he will live up (or down) to. Well done for working with the school as it will keep him steady knowing you and the school expect good behaviour (and less cheek). I expect your DS1 needs some tlc after the incident with the pen and his friend being hurt. 11 yrs old is a difficult age as it could be the start of that hormone rage and puberty that sends kids behaviour and emotions all over the place so good luck. You sound very caring. You are not ott at all but a worried parent.

gosh, from what you have written I really dont think a referral or child psychologist will help him at this stage - it seems much too large a reaction

I think his behaviour is perfectly normal for an angry and confused prepubescent boy - yes I think your husbands health issues will be taking their toll and your son needs guidance, reassurance and sanctions

is there anyway you can make sure the kids dont know that he has medical appts? i have had 10 in the last year (no more than half a day though) and my 12 year old has no idea.

fosterangels post is lovely and i agree with all of it

I second both comments and also don't think referral to child psychologist is what is needed here. Based on personal experience, I was sent as a teenager to a child psychiologist for a year and lied through my teeth, never opened up, it was a complete waste of time. I would have much preferred to be able to speak to my mum instead. So perhaps you could try to re-instate a good level of communication with him. What he might need most is someone he loves and trusts to listen to him and to comfort him. Also, as a parent you know how quickly a silly incident can lead to drama, that pen could have damaged nerves in the hand, could have wounded that boy seriously even witohut intend. Perhaps teach him the consequences of his actions by taking him to A&E to see how many silly incidents end up in casualty or find another way to teahc him the sad consequences of silly acitons that haven't bene thought through?