Help with tantrums

[Booboostoo]

DD is only 14 months old but she has already started throwing tantrums mainly if she can't walk where she wants to go, pick up what she wants to pick up, etc. She has a very high pitched, piercing voice and literally takes a huge breath and screeches (don't want to make her sound awful, she is also a lovely, happy baby, but the tantrums are a bit of a shock for me, PFB that she is and all). I really can't over-emphasize how high-pitched the screams are though!

As much as I can I let her have her own way and that's fine, but there are times when she has to do otherwise and then she throws herself on the floor and screeches. At home I leave her down for a few seconds and then ask her if she wants to get up at which point she is usually a lot better, but this tactic doesn't work well outside, e.g. middle of the road or at a restaurant!

Distraction doesn't work very well despite my best clownish attempts and she's too young to reason with or give rewards/remove rewards, so I am a bit at a loss.

Add to all this that we are in France where people openly comment on 'badly behaved' children, so that total strangers will turn around and say "Why is she like this? What is wrong with her? She must stop". I know I shouldn't be affected by this, but I am!!!! (btw I do not stick around when she is screeching in public, I scoop her up and we go away from everyone).

Final twist is that she already weighs 13 kilos and physically it's quite a struggle to carry her, especially when she is unco-operative.

Anyway, sorry for the huge post!

Watching with interest as DS is 18 months and doing similar - today he laid in his cot screaming for 15 minutes, he wanted milk but I couldn't reach to pick him up as the cot is up against the bed and the wall and I'm 7 months pregnant. I kept asking him to sit up so I could reach him but I might as well not have been there, it was like he couldn't hear me. I sometimes wonder what's normal with tantrums because he does have times that seem to go on forever, I've never seen screaming like it and I can't get through to him at all.

I can't believe people say stuff like that! Do they have any suggestions as to how you get a tantruming child to just 'stop'?

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm hoping its just a phase until their communication matches their understanding but it is very very hard

DS weighs a lot too, and is very strong. I've thrown him over my shoulder in a shop before but it's getting increasingly difficult to pick him up, I sympathise!

Well at least neither of us is alone!

Poor you, it can't be easy dealing with the tantrums and being pregnant. I was a wreck when I was pregnant with DD.

I think it's a bit of a French thing! Their children (and their dogs) are very well behaved but I am not sure how they do it! The other day she was in her buggy and I was wheeling her as fast as possible to the car through the streets while she was screeching. Three different stopped to make comments, one lady stopped right in front of the buggy and blocked our way to make her point!

NiceCup does your DS get quite physical as well? DD hits, pinches, punches, and has just started biting! I sound like a wuss complaining about a baby but her blows have no inhibition and can be quite painful!

DS is, I hope, coming out of this phase! What seemed to work for us was that I always explain to him where we're going. Then asked him if he wanted to walk or go in the buggy. Usually he chose to walk so I explained to him that he had to walk nicely, hold my hand, go where I said etc. Any deviation and I immediately put him in the buggy.

He has a tendency to throw himself on the floor screaming and banging his head on the Tarmac if he doesn't get to go where he wants. After a few attempts of stopping him, I just let him get on with it but put my foot between him and the street so he's banging his head on my foot rather than the street so he can't hurt himself too much. Then when he'd calmed down pick him up and explain she we're going. Choice of hand or buggy and off we go. It is purely for show. Sometimes when he's tired he misjudges and actually hurts himself. If its practical I will sit and just hold him til the tantrum is over. Not saying anything apart from "calm down".

I have had comments from people in shops etc but to be honest, if you show your lo that it bothers you then they keep on doing it. It's far easier in the long run to ride out the stares of strangers a few times than have to battle every single time you go out. DS has been told off by random passers by before. It's shocked him into silence! It does pass, I promise!

DS also punched, kicked and bit. Me. Just me, no one else. But this he rarely does any more. For that he got instantly put in the corner or in the buggy. although he only really stopped hitting me after DH 'hit' him back once And I've gotten quite fast at jumping out the way!

I think it's normal that once they're in a tantrum you can't reach them as such. Certainly my DS is oblivious to everything around him when he's like that. I just have to wait til he's screamed it out but I try to keep in physical contact with him so he knows on some level I'm still there.

Thanks MaliKat! At the moment she goes stiff as a board if she doesn't want to go in the buggy/car seat - it's sort of funny in an infuriating kind of way!

You are right I have to be less worried about being out and about. My fault entirely, I get too flustered about what other people think.

She's gone totally loopy today, may have already tantrumed about 10 times but luckily we are just lazing about at home!

Tickle or blow raspberry on the tummy to get them to unstiffen and into car seat / buggy (thank you unknown MNetter for that!)

I found with ds it often seemed he was just a bit overwhelmed realising he could do some things and not others. I really think at this age they need reassurance and it will pass. Agreed though sometimes you just need to get out of there if you are in public!

I am rubbish dealing with my own emotions so I try and explain to him that he is sad he can't have ice cream or frustrated he can't get blocks together. At least he knows I understand what the matter is even if it can't be fixed.

Being hungry or tired or ill definitely makes it worse so make sure to have snacks, medcine and napping opportunities factored into your day.

Ds is two now and still get's upset over things but either I've got less flustered dealing with him or its not as bad. Either way it gets easier.

I know what you mean, today she has been teething (again) so the whole day has been a horror (despite being a SAHM and being, on the whole, able to structure a lot of my day around her).

DP has taken her out for a coffee to give me a break now, but will try the tickle/rasberry, thanks!

I have been known to accost a random passer by and ask for help and then explain how to put the buggy down flat and then just dump DS in it

My commiserations as I once was in very similar situation with my ds....but it passes like every other tricky phase. And yes the French older generation would stand round him making comments and tutting. Tactical ignoring both the toddler and the onlookers was effective but one has to have nerves of steel. Or if all else fails lift up and tuck under arm, like a sort of human clutch bag and leave area! It s hellish but we ve all been there, even the French?!?

Agree with the above, especially Velvetjacket. I ignore passers-by, pick up my ds, humorously sling him under/overarm and manhandle him into the buggy (this is the hardest bit, getting him to straighten out enough to strap him in) OR just pick him up (when safe to do so, as he bites and scratches, though he gets upset with himself when I point out that he's hurt mummy - but it's best to first let him commune with the floor, chew his sleeve etc. for as long as he needs to), hold him and "allow him to rage" (the view recommended in Tears and Tantrums by Alethea Solter), then give him a hug when he starts to come out of it to let him know I love him. On one occasion someone in a shop cheerfully helped me get him in the buggy. Not all strangers are odd about it, but when you get criticism you just have to treat it as their problem. I have had loads of flak from absolute nutters concerned strangers because my ds just happens to cry and scream a lot and very emotionally when he needs a kip, and as yet has no understanding that it comes across to others as the toddler equivalent of calling Childline. On a recent day out he flung himself to the ground on more than 16 occasions, basically because his morning nap had been disturbed so he got very grumpy.

Whatever people might think about French children not throwing croissants, I've stayed with a French family and know otherwise. Perhaps the French keep embarrassing children indoors, along with their fatter relatives.

I, too, am worried about the weight issue, especially as I have a dodgy back. At the moment he hasn't reached 13kg. I shall be back on mn when this happens, but I imagine I shall just have to leave him where he is until he calms down, which will be hard, as what passers-by seem to want is for you to intervene/show that you are in control, and I have experience of one or two strangers going mental when you appear not to be doing anything (whereas you are because you know your child; they don't). Just remember you're doing this for your child, not them, is my mantra. And that the tutters either never had children or obedience-trained them in some scary way you are right to think is unacceptable.

Little monkey had a great time with her dad, apparently waving, smiling and charming everyone! More DP babysitting time is clearly the answer!

I tried the rasberry today, to be fair it worked really well and she was giggling, but back to stiff as a board immediately after, and back to giggling and back to screaming funny child!

So when you say 'it passes' when would that be exactly???? I have my heart set on her getting to 18 months so that I can get some sleep (the collected wisdom of various MN threads sugegsts that 18 months is some kind of sleep catalyst... or they go on to 3-4 years old which is a possibility I refuse to consider!).