Appropriate discipline for a 4 yr old runaway?

[whatwereyouthinkinof]

We were at an open air show yesterday with Ds,(who will be five in 6 weeks) and as the show finished and I was talking to him whilst bending down to pick up our bags he disappeared! Literally, one second there, the next gone! There were hundreds of people and preschoolers all milling around and he just vanished into the crowd. I went straight to cover the exit and informed security (who were wonderful) while the friend I was with went looking for him. He was only gone 4 mins but omg the panic I went through! :-(.
I gave him a serious talking to about how frightened I was, how difficult it was to see him in such a crowd how he must never do that again. He is an articulate child, he 'said' he understood and would not do it again but within minutes was refusing to hold my hand, wanting to run ahead and fighting me when I insisted on keeping hold of him.
We then went to the inlaws for dinner...his cousins aged 14 and 8 were playing on a bike on the side road and Ds was told he could watch from the garden but could not join them... the cousins then went further afield and Ds followed them, ignoring our shouts ... crossing 2 minor roads, he was about to go down to the main road after them before they spotted him and brought him back!!! I was incandescent! Twice in one day!!!

We have had run offs in the supermarket before and being put in the trolley, even though he is really too big for the seats, has always cured that, but we have never had defiance like this before. He is a very confident child and up until now I have always been thrilled about that, but he really thinks he is capable of looking after himself and argues that he 'wasn't in danger' and can do anything on his own now he is about to go to school. Dh informed him that by law he couldn't do anything on his own until he was 14, his response was that when he was 14 he would leave home then!

I have said he isnt going out of the house without reins on for a week. Dh has told him that he can only watch 1 hour of TV a day for a week (I don't see how that will teach him to stay close :-/ but didn't argue.)

What do you think would be appropriate discipline? And what would you say to make him understand the danger? (without terrorising him)

making him wear reins is good. Explain why. each and every time.

AFter a week, tell him every time you go out that if he runs away, you will put the reins back on.

WIth my tearaways, we would have controlled independence - so they could walk ahead as far as the red car (20m or so) and then wait. Then as far as the lamppost. Then to the road, where they had to stand and wait.

I had one like this who escaped the tent early one sunny morning at 2 1/2. DH was sharing a tent bedroom with him and woke at 5.30 am to find him gone. After 30 mins of searching the sleeping campsite (me with 6mo DS2 in arms) we found him. I asked him what he was doing to hear that he'd 'just gone for a walk'! I told him he needed a grownup to go for a walk to which he simply stated 'I didn't need a grownup!'

We didn't come up with a specific punishment as he was so young but insisted that holding hands with me or DH was compulsory for the rest of the holiday.

I like your reins thing. It might just make him think as he's that bit older. DS1 never looked back when he wandered off. He just didn't get at all concerned about our whereabouts or wishes until he was 5 1/2.

In the end I just gave him a lot less freedom than I have been able to give DS2, accepted that he would just go if I wasn't watching (even for a second), and tried not to flip out if he got past me!

Good luck with the leaving home thing but I imagine he might have worked out which side his bread is buttered on by then

Thanks Hattifattner ... I'm so glad you agree with the reins. I will do the reinforcing each time, thanks for advising that.
I actually do do the 'next lamp post' thing when we go out with his bike and he has been fine with that, and we have ALWAYs done the exaggerated stop at the curb (years of dog training continued with first child ;-) ) ...it's the disappearing into the crowd act and the run over 2 roads despite all that training that has given me a horrible sleepless night. Reins really is the only way isnt it.

My MIL got a cardboard box and ran it over with the car while DH and his brother watched. Apparently that image has never left DH. Just seeing the cardboard box get flattened really showed him how dangerous cars are. That might work for the running over roads bit. Sounds like reins might be good for a while also.

Getting properly lost from me in a large shop (he was "playing hide and seek" but had omitted to tell me...) was enough to shock DS at 4 and he hasn't really run off since. But it sounds like that sort of experience hasn't had an impact on your DS. Was he upset when you found him? Did he understand what had happened?

Sounds like reins - or the threat of them - is the way forward, esp as they are baby-ish and he clearly wants to be a grown up boy.

We got over the road issue by being in the countryside and looking at all the squashed rabbits on the road. We explained that this flattened thing 'couldn't be a rabbit anymore' and that going on the road might mean that DS1 'couldn't be a boy anymore'. Even at 2 he could see that that wasn't a good idea. Having said that, I wouldn't have looked for road kill, a bit graphic even for me. It was just there, he was interested, and so we used it.

wrist strap might work?

Wow the cardboard box idea is good!

Love the cardboard box idea Camdancer!!! I will definately give that a go.
Homebird8, it is good to know that it isn't just my independant tyke...roll on 5 1/2!!!...Good use of happened upon road kill ..but I can't see myself scouring the countryside to use as an example either ;-)
Familiessharegerms..No he wasn't in the least bit upset. He fully understood that I was and my reason for it, but he has never been upset at being alone...Last year he ran into one of those games arcades in the foyer of the cinema, Dh and I let him watch other boys playing for a few minutes, though wouldn't give him money to play anything himself but when we said it was time to go he ignored us..repeatedly...Dh said 'ok we will go without you' and we left, hiding behind pillars where we could watch him closely and wait to see when he would realise we had gone...it took a full 15 mins (I was at breaking point) before he decided that he had seen enough and had better come looking for us...at no point was he even remotely worried ...and he spotted Dh before any anxiety kicked in. He is just phenominally independant.

First walk out this morning with the reins...not easy with the dog on one side and him on the other. He had a strop about them but I explained why I was doing it...he promised not to run off but I insisted that he had to learn his lesson...I did take them off at the play park so he could go in (as dogs are of course forbidden) but as he later tried to exit via the opposite gate (though did at least stop when I shouted) they got clipped on again so lesson not learned yet.

WWYTO I think the reins will teach the lesson at least for a while. DS1 was the same about being happy to be alone. We lost him once in the departure lounge of the airport (aged just 3) and when eventually found he was in the amusement arcade. I reasoned that they wouldn't let him back through security or put him on a plane without a boarding card so he probably only mislaid. We found him with seconds to go before they closed boarding on our flight for a long awaited holiday.

Practical issues. Despite the reins, if he isn't bothered about whether you are there or not, then you need to prepare to lose him.

Make him wear a bracelet with a contact phone number or email address on it.
Take his photo on your phone when you go out so others can be shown who they are looking for and you remember precisely what he is wearing.
Arrange a place to meet if he 'finds' you've disappeared on him. We told him to stay put in exactly the place he was when he noticed we'd gone (then he wasn't a moving target)
Keep on with the punishment for disobedience. (I constantly reminded DS1 I was there to keep him safe, healthy and happy - in that order - but he had to help by doing as he was told) but expect that some wandering will be absentminded.
Make holding hand games fun. I invented the 'hand hug' and told him my hand needed looking after was really loved hugs!

Good luck. Eventually he might grown out of it. DS1 eventually started to show some emotion when he got lost at 5 1/2.

DS2 never got lost. He just isn't that sort of child.

Concentrate on keeping your DS safe. He's obviously very bright and interested in the world and very much IS that sort of child!

Just remembered the time DS1 (aged 4) joined a cross country run (at a village sports day) without telling us and returned quite high up in the line up with all the teenagers. Luckily we saw him leave so weren't too worried.