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Behaviour/development

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Just need some opinions/advice really!

8 replies

needacoffee · 10/08/2012 06:40

My question really stems from my own childhood. Whenever I look back on it I only remember the arguments, the criticism, my mum being in a huff for days if we didn't do what we were told. Father not around so no back-up there either. I was (and still am) always nervous and worried about doing or saying the wrong thing etc etc. I'm sure we must have had some good times, it's just I can't seem to remember any.
So really my question is: I now have a gorgeous DS who is a kind, sweet child, but he is at that age where he needs time outs, and the odd telling off. I am fearful that (like me) this is all he will remember when he grows up and not all the cuddles and fun we have as a family. Husband is a lovely father and enjoys spending time with DS too. Everytime I tell him off, I then need to cuddle him and tell him I love him ten minutes later for fear of creating bad memories for him.
Feel a bit like crap mum and I'm projecting my childhood onto his. Also worried he will soon pick up on my rubbish ability to tell him off and starting being a terror! So any advice would be welcome on how to get past this situation in my head and move forward would be welcome.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
lolalotta · 10/08/2012 06:57

Pick your battles and only tell him off/ put him in time out for the really important stuff. Plus I think kids like boundaries, it makes them feel safe and secure and like we as a patent know what we are doing. (even if we don't Wink) Regarding decipline it can be gone about in a gentle way. In lot of circumstances I get an indication of when dd is heading for trouble so I try and distract het before we reach that point or while she is being good but about to get naughty I say something like "daddy will be so pleased when I tell him when he gets home how patiently you waited at the doctors" and then shower her with kisses or something to diffuse the situation.
Two books I recommend are "the no cry dicipline solution" and "playful patenting". Both use gentle methods!!!

needacoffee · 10/08/2012 07:25

Thanks lolalotta, I will amazon those books now.

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baskingseals · 10/08/2012 07:37

you sound like a lovely mum. i know what you mean about your own childhood hanging over you. my dad was useless and absent, quick to anger when he was around, and my mum had no patience. how old is your ds?
when dc3 was born my midwife told me that he was my book to write in.
believe in yourself and what you are doing. feel confident about your parenting choices. i would also talk to your dh about how you feel.

most importantly enjoy him. try not to worry about tomorrow and be in the moment. nobody knows how their children will turn out. to a certain extent we are all fumbling in the dark.

needacoffee · 10/08/2012 07:43

Baskingseals thank you for your lovely words, and I love what your midwife said I will take that on board. My Ds is 3 and I can see that is he is a happy, loving confident child, just need to get past my own issues I think.

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baskingseals · 10/08/2012 07:56

you are welcome Grin

i think worry about dc is natural, but don't let it shadow your days with him. enjoy as much as you can.

lotta is right, they do need boundaries. by 3 you can start reasoning more. another book to try is 'how to talk so kids listen', but take what you want from books, and ultimately trust yourself best.

i also bribe SHAMLESSLY. oh yes.

golemmings · 10/08/2012 08:05

If your local children's centre offers it, it might be worth looking out for a positive parenting course which focusses on noticing and praising good behaviour to reduce the need for discipline but includes strategies for dealing with negative behaviour which are appropriate in scale to the thing that caused them but consistent - lots of 1 minute time outs but lots of opportunities for praise etc so you don't undermine your own discipline.

It is probably all stuff that you are doing anyway but if your confidence is a bit shakey then it may help you to believe that what you're doing is good. We found that having names (and someone else's approval) for the stuff that we were making up really helpful.

MamaBear17 · 10/08/2012 12:15

I think a cuddle after a telling off is the way forward to be honest. A child needs to know that even if they do something wrong they are still loved. Once the child has apologised or the behaviour issue has been sorted then I think you are doing the right thing hugging x

needacoffee · 10/08/2012 16:43

Thank you everyone, you have made me feel like I am doing ok. I will take on board all advice help and I'm really grateful. x

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