Is this possessive behaviour or just not good at sharing?

[AhoySailor]

Not sure if this is the correct place to post this, as it relates to my step-son, but it is in regards to his behaviour. Sorry this is a bit long.

My DP has a 7 year old son from a previous marriage, who stays with us EOW.
Me and DP have no children together yet.

DP's son does have a half-sibling (his mothers other child), but they are an adult, so he is effectively an 'only child'.

DP's son is a bit of a show off and craves attention from other kids. He will share stickers, juice, biscuits, etc, but not toys, and doesn't like to give away toys.

Example one: A red tricycle which was originally his was given to a younger male cousin (aged 3), ... he gave it to them, which he was encouraged to do (because it was too small for him), and he seemed happy to do it ... (we didn't just hand it over without his knowledge).
Now everytime he sees his younger cousin on the tricycle he says 'that's my bike' and sometimes attempts to ride it, much to the upset of the 3 year old cousin.
He is reminded that he handed over his tricycle for his cousin to have as theirs now and he agrees but still insists the bike is his.

Example two: Another cousin (aged 4) is given five toys from us (which were his, they were too babyish for him and he was told who they were going to, and said he was happy with that).
Once again, everytime he sees the toys he will either try to take them away or will state that they are HIS toys.

I do have many other examples, but I won't bore you.

So ...
Is this just normal behaviour for a 7 year old?
Is it possessive behaviour or does he just not like sharing?
Is it because he is (effectively) an only child?
Is it because he comes from a 'broken home'? ... all of his cousins parents are still together

Any advice would be very grateful
Thanks

I think he sounds absolutely fine; he's able to share sweets ad stickers etc. have you asked him why he doesn't like to share toys? Is he worried about things being broken/spoiled?

Well Sastra it does sound like normal behaviour for a 7 year old to me too, but it think DP is upset/annoyed/confused that his son can't hand over things to younger cousins (which are obviously too babyish or small for him) and accept that they now belong to the cousin, not him.

Yes, he is able to share sweets, stickers, biscuits, etc, but we think he sees these as disposable items which 'don't matter'

Yes, we have asked him, but he doesn't understand ... he thinks he shares everything. We've asked before about the tricycle and he says he knows 'younger cousin' has the tricycle to play with, but it's still his.

DP's son is quite destructive at times and most of his toys are either already broken (by him) or have been fixed (by DP).
He does get 'wound up' if another child or cousin might potentially 'break' his toys, and snatches them away from the younger ones (which obviously upsets them or makes them cry) before they have had any time to play with them.

We were just wondering whether his parents spliting up (when he was 3 ... the mother had an affair and left the family home with the child, to move in with her new bf), has maybe had an effect on him, since he wishes to keep things of his which are far too 'young' for him (maybe trying to keep his younger toys because mummy and daddy were together then?? ... I don't know)

Well, I think you're DSS reactions are perfectly logical. You could look on it as he's careful of his things; it shows responsibility!

Just because we adults have decided something's too young for a child, doesn't mean they see it that way. We all have things that have some sentimental value or us - it's not indicative of emotional damage.

In a nutshell, no, this is unlikely to have been caused by his parents breaking up; it's not even a behaviour that I would consider strange. It sounds as if there might be some feelings of guilt and anxiety among the adults, which perhaps are being displaced onto this little boy. Unless there are behavioural or emotional difficulties, I shouldn't worry about him at all.

I think it's normal.

If my dd's have given something to their younger cousins (usually clothes) they will say "that was mine". They wouldn't try to put it on as it's much too small. They might even say "that was my favourite"-with a sad look (put on).

If they gave away a toy then I'd think it was perfectly normal to go back and want to play on it-both my dd's never liked the baby gym-until it was brought out for the next child.

On the tricycle, if the 3yo had been mine, then, unless he was likely to break the tricycle by riding it, then I'd have said "yes it used to be dcousin's. Isn't he kind to give it to you? Let him try it."

I wonder if you're doing a "you're too big, don't be silly... etc." Then he's resenting that he's made to feel he has to hand it over because he's too old, and gets nothing out of it. Maybe you could ask if rather than just hand it over, maybe they could give him something back in exchange. Also don't pressurise him to give up something if he isn't ready. I remember being pressurised to give up something when I was about 10/11 which I still played with. I was told that I was too old/never played with it/didn't need it. It was too young for me really, but I still liked it and played with it.

What that did was meant that I tended to hide away things that I was too old for because I was afraid of having to give things away before I was ready. I was generally quite a generous child, but it made a huge difference for me to decide rather than someone else.

Unfortunately Sastra my DP's son doesn't show much signs of responsibility and he is not careful with his things or other peoples things. He is quite destructive on a daily basis. Yes, DP's son does have some emotional and behavioural issues, but we don't think he is a bad lad at all.

We didn't decide the tricycle (or the other toys) were too young, DP's son just decided one day that these things were 'babyish' and he didn't want them. We kept them at the house for another four or five months before DP's son complained they were there, so we asked if he'd make his decision what to do with them ... keep them or pass them over (he hadn't played with them for a few years) ... he wanted to give them away

The only anxiety or guilt DP has with his son is having to return him to mummys house at the end of the weekend (but thankfully DP is very good at hiding those feelings from his son), because the majority of the time DP's son doesn't want to go back and there are usually tears from DP's son within the last half hour.

We try to make his stays with us comfortable and 'normal' (because we know his life at home with mummy isn't always ... 'she shouts lots').

This is part of the point I was trying to make DeWe ... his son will say 'that's MINE' ... NOT 'it USED to be mine'/'that WAS mine' ... he still thinks the things belong to him. He doesn't want the toys back to play with, he just wants them removed from the cousins, then he puts the toy down.

DP's brother and sis-in-law explained to their 3 yr old child that older cousin could have a go on tricycle and 3 yr old was perfectly okay with sharing it (it was just an initial bursting into tears, because the item was snatched away), but once DP's son realised the 3 yr old had stopped crying and was happy for him to use it, DP's son didn't want it.

We NEVER say things are silly or he's too big for them ... That's the type of things mummy says!!

He has received another 'bigger boy' toy in the past for handing things over (from us or from cousins parents) to say thank you, but that doesn't seem to work either.

I think it is just normal 7 yr old behaviour, but his dad (my DP) is obviously a worried parent.

I'm thinking in the future, if DP's son says he doesn't want a certain toy (because it's babyish ... his words not mine), then I'll check for breakages, clean it up nice and drop it off in the charity shop ... so another kid gets the benefit of it.

It sounds to me like yr DP's son's behaviour IS affected by his M;it would be odd if it wasn't, if he has to deal with emotional abuse on a daily basis. Sadly our GD 's M is a bit like this and I have to say to her that she loves her but has 'funny' moods and that she doesn't mean it.

Ds3 doesn't like to share his toys and doesn't like to give toys away. He even cried when a visiting child went on his trampoline fgs. When he is at school or at someone else' house he plays beautifully and no one believes my when I tell them what he's like. Ds is 6 (just) and has 2 much older brothers so is like an only. He is not from a 'broken home'

If you're that concerned i'd get him an appointment at CAMHS (though I don't think that there's anything "wrong" with him). It might be a helpful place for you all to discuss these issues and to get a clearer idea about what may or may not be affecting him, and ways of communicating.

I certainly don't want this to become a mummy-bashing post, because it is not meant to be.

Sadly ppeatfruit, due to the size of our house and lack of storage, we can't have huge amounts of DP's sons toys here with us (just the toys we have bought him and DP's family ... which is quite a lot), but every time DP's son comes to visit he always takes toys with him from mummys house (not just one toy ... loads and loads of them ... looks like he is moving house sometimes with the amount of toys he brings here), and he conveniently 'forgets' to take them back.

He has, in the past, asked me and daddy (my DP) if we will look after certain toys (by keeping them at our house), because 'mummy doesn't like that toy', which we did, but it was starting to get beyond a joke ... we had to explain to him that he needs to start bringing some of these toys back to mummys (otherwise all his toys would be here and he wouldn't have any to play with at his mums house), which he (reluctantly) agreed to.

DP has to ferry him back to his mums house now, with bags and bags full of his toys ... and the amount coming back to us is reducing.

Yes, we know this behaviour is partly caused by the mum, because we know that if something is noisy, it gets binned at mummys house. We ask if it was broken, but apparently it is not.

If it uses batteries, it gets binned
If it has small parts (such as Lego), it gets binned or hoovered up and not returned
If it is too big or bulky, it gets binned
If it's 'dirty' (paints, sand, play doh), it gets binned
If it is something DP has bought him, it gets binned

Yes, he does have lots of toys at his house (don't think he doesn't), but certain things seem to end up in the dustbin for no apparent reason.

We know he will have attachment to his toys, when he hands them over to a younger cousins, but to still put his stamp on them and still say they are HIS is just a bit sad. He still gets to see the toys (he handed over) and still gets to play with them (all younger cousins are happy to share), but he won't admit they now belong to his cousins ... not him!!

Oh, it's so frustrating all this ... sorry

Funnily enough jubilee10 other people and school teachers don't see this behaviour in him either ... people just don't believe us either if we mention this 'lack of sharing' stuff

Yes Sastra, I might have a word with DP and potentially make an appointment

Sorry all for my earlier 'rant'

Ref. mummy bashing IMO just because a woman gives birth doesn't automatically make her forget her own abusive or otherwise childhood; some people are not aware (or don't want to recognise) that they themselves are damaged so see no reason not to inflict the same treatment on their DCs.

I'm lucky in that my DM was totally aware and therefore tried her hardest not to treat us like her M treated her (though her judgeyness does come through a lot now )