Feeling like a rubbish mum

[Emma54]

Hello,
Any words of support. My kids are on holiday dd 6, ds 7. They are bickering all the time and I mean 90% of the time. Its driving me mad and I am losing my patience. Ds argues the toss with me over everything and will not do anything I say. I have become really irritable with them and feel like I am shouting at them all the time especially Ds. My husband (who is normally the one to lose his temper within the first 5 minutes) tells me its the way I am speaking to my son which is making him play up. I know there is some truth in this as I am very irritated by his behaviour and I should be the adult here but after hours of arguing, flighting with each other and basically ignoring what I say; its hard to stay calm. Just feeling like a really rubbish mum. I burst into tears this morning in the car and they both went silent. Now I feel awful for letting them see that.

Hello, firstly you're not a rubbish mum (if you were, you wouldn't care). Not had any personal experience of this yet as DCs are much younger, but I've heard very positive reviews of "how to talk so kids will listen and .listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazush.
Also, is it practical to have one to one time with each? At least they won't be bickering with each other then.

That must be extremely wearing; you have my sympathy. By bursting into tears you have shown them that you are human and that their behaviour has consequences. Don't be too hard on yourself!

I think I'd be issuing sanctions like "if you don't improve your behaviour, we can't do X, Y or Z" depending on what you've got planned. But do be prepared to follow through if you have to. Even though it might seem like punishing yourself too, sometimes it's useful to have a concrete event to refer to in the future, such as "remember when you wouldn't stop bickering so we couldn't do X".

My 2 could bicker for England, they would argue over the air that they breath.

If we are at home I give them a warning and if they carry on I make them put their pyjamas on and go in their rooms.

If we are out we come home.

It doesnt really stop them but it gets them out of my face

I do have 1 with ASD in the mix so I have to be very ridgid with my strategies otherwise sh would have a meltdown but I think the ASD strategies work well with lots of children.

You are not a bad Mum, they are stressing you out and it actually wont do them any harm to know how they are making you feel.

I have a book called Siblings without rivalry. It is really good and has strategies and is non-judgmental. I got it second hand off Amazon. My two ds are just the same. Divide and conquer. When they are driving you nuts separate them. I find this helps, because the effects of their bickering stays with you longer than with them. I find my two are laughing and joking with each other when I am still fuming. Give them plenty of running about too. Mine have made me cry too, if that's any help...

How's it going now Emma? Hoping no news is good news ...

Hey :) Hope you are OK! We all feel like rubbish mums sometimes but we are all doing our best and I dont think that can be that bad!

I remember being like this with my brother and sister and making my mum cry. It's just the way siblings can be. I definitely felt sibling rivalry. My mum was great, don't know what she could have done differently to prevent those feelings. Her crying shocked but also irritated me.
What would have worked with us would have been her shutting us all in separate rooms and not letting us out until we got along. She never thought of doing that though!
Must have been tough on her but we all get along fine now!

I can sympathise greatly. My DCs are always arguing, and not just with each other.
They have managed to get into arguments with all the children in our street with the result that I can't let them play out anymore