4yo DD wants to sleep in my bed since STBXH left

[skyebluesapphire]

X left at Easter, DD slept with me a few nights, very insecure. Went back to her own bed fine for a couple of months. Went on holiday 16 July, she wanted to sleep with me, said caravan was scary.

Since we have been home , i cannot keep her in her own bed. She says she's too scared. Even if she goes in it to start with she gets out and in with me at some point.

I know shes insecure due to twunt walking out on us, but how can I get her to stay in her own bed? I don't want it to continue longterm.

Hi skyeblue - you have my sympathies, I had this problem with DD2, who was about the same age when XH left, and I found it really upsetting. She also regressed a bit, wanting me to dress her, brush her teeth for her, even had a couple of accidents when she'd been dry for almost two years...

Initially I was sympathetic, and was in too much of a state myself to do much about it. But it got to the point when I just had to put my foot down, and it only took a couple of days of (gently) insisting she go back to bed and having a little chat about it before bedtime, and she was quite happy to go back to the old routine. Her behaviour improved at the same time, and I realised that she'd actually needed me to reinforce the usual rules in order to feel secure again - by letting her get away with 'younger' behaviour, I'd been giving her the message that something was wrong or different, when in fact what she really needed was me to show her that it was situation normal.

As for achieving that, I can't really remember specifics - making sure we weren't rushed at bedtime helped (so plenty of time for bath, story, snuggle); letting her play some calm music or listen to a story on CD in her room (I often put music on for them at bedtime anyway back then so they couldn't hear me pouring my heart out on the phone every night ). Be sympathetic and reassuring but firm.

I don't know what your situation is re your DD contacting her dad, but I also let my DC know they could contact him at any time (and I didn't give a shit whether it was inconvenient for him or not). Initially they did at bedtime, which seemed to be when they missed him most, but that soon wore off and they didn't bother any more. I think knowing they could if they wanted to was enough to reassure them and remove some uncertainty about the situation.

Good luck, it'll be fine!

thanks for the advice, Ive had exactly the same thing, having to help her get dressed, wetting herself after being dry for 18 months, being really clingy whenever I leave her, refusing to brush her teeth. The HV said its all down to him going and I need to make sure that she feels secure.

I have tried to discuss it with my H, but he just says that Im having a dig at him.He sees her all day every Sunday and Wednesday for a couple of hours if he can make it. She loves to see him, but is always difficult when she returns on a Sunday. He is lodging with friends, so she doesnt have a second home to go to at the moment, there is a lot of visiting parks and relatives etc.

Last night I got her into her own bed for the first time in days, put her CD on. But as soon as it was finished, she got out and got into my bed!

Just let her. If you're relaxed about it it'll sort itself out. She's had a big upset- she's bound to regress a bit.

"I don't know what your situation is re your DD contacting her dad, but I also let my DC know they could contact him at any time (and I didn't give a shit whether it was inconvenient for him or not)."

Yes, I do this too. I've called exP at 4am before when DS (also 4) has been inconsolable. If I have to be up in the middle of the night with a crying child, then he can too! It does work though, DS has a little chat with exP and calms down again. It's becoming less frequent (exP left about 3 months ago) now but I think it helped DS to know he could speak to Daddy if he really wanted to.

In your situation, I'd let it got for a bit (unless it's really disruptive to your sleep to have her in your bed?) and when she's feeling a bit more settled, bribe her back into her own bed! DS has a pasta jar (got the idea from MN! One piece of pasta in for good behaviour, one out for bad behaviour, when it's full, he'll get a treat, like a day out) so he gets a piece of pasta if he stays quiet the whole night.

DS also often has a story or music CD on as he falls asleep, door left open, landing light on and he knows that I'll come back to check on him.

What's she scared of? Would a torch help? Or a special soft toy?

My pasta jar is massive, so it will take years of good behaviour to fill it, lol.

She always has Spot stories on, or nursery rhymes. She has a lamp on all night, as the nightlight wasnt bright enough she said.

She says she is scared of the CD player..... so I offered to take it out, then she cried because she wanted to listen to it!

It is disruptive to my sleep but I dont mind that, (she keeps smacking me in the face or kicking me in the back, lol). It was lovely this morning when she woke up and moved closer for proper cuddles.

I just dont want to let it go on for too long.

I will keep putting her in her bed and see what happens. I will have a talk to her about it. Each night, she says, just one last time mummy!

Last night she went to bed quite late and went straight to her own bed. She slept right through too. I gave her lots of praise this morning.

I think one factor of being in my bed is the tv and the Tom & jerry DVD..

I have made it plain that she can watch it if she comes home in the morning but not at bedtime, so as to encourage it as a morning treat if she sleeps in her bed overnight.

That's great skyeblue, hope you have another good night!

I let her stay up til 8pm, then put her to bed with one story and her songs cd . She fell asleep in her own bed so fingers crossed she stays there again.

She was quite happy tonight.