If your dc had extreme separation anxiety, when did it get better?

[ShowOfHands]

DS is nearly 11mo and has had severe separation anxiety since 5 months. It's not really getting any better at all. I can't even describe what it's like. Yesterday I was playing on the floor with him and stood up. He acted like the world was ending. I hadn't even gone anywhere. He will go to nobody. Not even his Dad.

He screams with utter terror if anybody even looks like they're considering touching him. I try and have a bath in an evening, just for a break, and he sobs all the way through it (in dh's arms). If I put him down and try and move a foot away from him, he crawls or runs after me sobbing and screaming until I pick him up again.

I've tried everything. I play peek a boo with him, hide and seek with his toys etc. I try and build up a relationship with other people, particularly dh, but he will only ever look at or play with other people from the safety of my arms. I had to leave him for half an hour the other day, no way round it. DH looked after him. I thought he'd calm down after a few minutes or so. When I got back he was sweating profusely, pale, had vomited and was shuddering uncontrollably. He hadn't stopped crying for a second.

He hates his carseat, hates his highchair etc. If I'm holding him (he lives in the sling), he is happy, chatty, interactive, amused, content, sociable even. If I stop touching him he collapses in a heap. He does like his 5yo sister. That's the only respite. But she's a person in her own right and I feel fecking awful asking her to distract him for me while I go for a bloody wee. I'd like some one on one time with my dd without ds sobbing through it like I've abandoned him.

It all started when he had pneumonia and he was in hospital. I couldn't pick him up at times and they spent a lot of time doing some invasive and painful things to him while I had to stand and watch.

I'm sorry if you've heard me moan about this before but I'm seriously worried I've broken him.

My dd was very bad from about 10mo. It eased off at about 14mo and was pretty much gone by 18mo. She's pretty confident now at 2.5, although obviously still has her moments of shyness. She didn't really want anyone but me for a long time, but will happily go with gp's now.

You have my sympathy, it is so hard. I remember trying to wee really really fast while she screamed like she was being murdered in the next room.

He will grow out of it.

It worries me that money is getting tighter and tighter and we've just had a letter saying they're halving our tax credits from bugger all to squint to see it. I need to go back to work if we're going to keep on top of the mortgage. But I can't leave him like this. He just can't cope. It's not like I go and he calms down once I'm gone. I can't believe it's still not any better. Nearly 6 months he's been at it.

Oh god, that is really tough. But you might be getting towards the end of it now - perhaps when he's past the one year classic separation anxiety stage things will improve.

Might it be worth having a chat with your gp? It does sound quite extreme.

Sympathies, it is so hard and you sound exhausted! My dd had similar separation anxiety (though not such bad issues with the car seat or high chair, as long as she could see me). We have a video somewhere of her going from happy in my arms to hysterical screaming in the space of 2 seconds - all I did was put her on the floor! In the last few weeks, at 16mo, things have really improved - she's started taking books and toys to dp, and playing with him in a different room/in the garden for short periods. She still comes to the loo with me - there is no way she could be left outside the door! - and 'helps' with whatever I'm doing the rest of the time. It got slightly easier when she could walk as she needed carrying less, and she started wandering off exploring as long as she could see me (but woe betide me if I start wandering off myself...!)

I think the recent improvement's come with a real leap in her understanding/communication - if she can't see me now she'll usually say 'mama?' and try to look for me instead of just screaming, and if I answer her she's ok for a couple of minutes. Last time I had to go somewhere without her, we got it cracked - dp took her in the pushchair to the park, played with her on the swings etc., and then walked home. This worked so much better than her seeing me leave the house - I still can't take the rubbish out without all hell breaking loose... but this is such a massive improvement still.

You haven't broken him - or if you have, then I've done the same to dd, but I can't think how. She hasn't had any hospital treatment or whatever, but has just been very needy of physical closeness to me since birth, pretty much. I can see light at the end of the tunnel now, that she is turning into an independent though sensitive and affectionate little girl, and am actually quite chuffed that we have a really good bond.

All three of mine were like this to some extent! Even resigned from job because DC3 was so miserable with his first CM. DC1 and 2 cheered up when they could walk.

I have no answer from you but if you need to return to work then you need to do something I suppose. My best advice is to find a good CM who your DS can attach to instead.

In my experience DCs are worse if they can see you but can't be with you IYSWIM? So even now DC3 can be miserable when he goes from me to his CM because I am there but he's being told to go with soomeone else. As soon as I have left he cheers up.

I had a milder version of what you describe with my DD although there wasn't any trigger for it as far as I am aware. In the end I had to go back to work and, whether coincidence and she would have grown out of it on her own in any event, or whether it was being forced to cope and learn to adapt without me, I'll never know but things got a lot better once she went to nursery. She was about 11 months at the time.

Don't get me wrong, the first few weeks were pretty brutal. I had expected them to be so I started the settling in process about a month before I was due to go back to work, which really helped since we were able to build up the length of her days gradually. There is also no way I could have concentrated on work knowing that DD was at nursery upset. The nursery were great though. For the first few sessions (when it was pure relentless screaming - none of this 'she'll calm down after you've gone/in 5 mins' for my DD) a member of staff held her all the time. They also let me sit in the office and watch the CCTV so I knew she wasn't being left on her own in distress at any point. I was also coached on the hand over (so I knew to be always upbeat, even if she was upset and it was the exact opposite of how I felt, plus not to drag out the goodbye process especially if she was upset).

Of course it was grim but it was grim almost anytime I left a room and it would be even more grim if I didn't go to work and we lost the roof over our heads! Then something I genuinely believed would never happen happened; she appeared to seem ok with going to nursery (after about only 2-3 weeks amazingly). By the time I started work she would even sometimes lurch from my arms into the arms of her favourite nursery carer in a morning. It was literally unbelievable! I would walk away with tears of relief in my eyes and a big smile on my face rather than sobbing down the phone to DH.

Now DD is 22 months and she is very sociable (loves hanging out with DH and the GPs) and loves nursery. If she's being a bit difficult in the mornings I just have to say 'but how will you see [insert names of her friends and the staff at nursery] if you don't have your socks on' and she will become immediately more co-operative. Don't get me wrong, there is still a stong preference for hanging out with me over everyone else (and so the GPs and DH have a much better time looking after DD if I'm not around) but it is generally not a big problem any more.

It does sound like you have it tougher with your DS but I would have sworn that things would never improve in the way they did for DD. I understand that money is an issue but most nurseries give you a week free settling in so there will be at least some transition period (for both DS and you!)? The fact is, if you have to work, you have to work and you never know it may be the best thing for both you and your son in the long run if you do go back. It's also worth keeping in mind that you don't see any 15 (10? 5?) year old boys reacting as your son does so there is an end to this and it will eventually get better however you approach it. I know it may not feel like this to you now but it will be ok...

Thank you for the comprehensive replies. I think I'm just feeling down today as it's bloody hard to run a house, look after an exuberant 5yo and just exist with a fairly heavy 11mo permanently attached to me. The up side is I have never weighed less as an adult and have biceps of steel. If I'm utterly objective, he is a bit better in some scenarios. He is walking confidently now and will make the choice to move away from me but it can never, ever be the other way round and he must be able to see me if he glances back. Which he does. Every 5 seconds.

He is so, so, so different to dd. She is a very independent child and has never cried on separation. She skips into school and did the same at preschool with a cheery wave.

I cannot bear the idea of leaving him and going back to work. And yes this will be making it worse as he picks up on my anxieties. I was at home fulltime with dd until she started school. I wish I could offer ds the same thing. The idea of him bonding with a cm instead of me makes me feel sick to my core. Which is ridiculous I know. Nearly as bad as the idea of leaving him sobbing makes me feel.

My DS was (is!) exactly the same. The separation anxiety kicked in at 5 months (earlier than 'normal'). I ended up giving up work and staying at home FT as he had such a negative reaction to nursery and a nanny (exactly as you describe - sweating, shaking, vomiting, non-stop crying, refusing all food and drink).

He is getting better. Slowly. He is now 2.5.

It has been a hard slog and still is at times, especially when I compare his behaviour to that of his friends. I am worried about how he'll cope when he starts pre-school in April next year. I get short-tempered and snappy with him when I trip over him for the 30th time in the space of an hr, or have to hold his hands while I am on the loo.

But on the upside, DS is bright, chatty and funny. He is empathetic and loving. He is obedient and cautious. I wouldn't swap him for any of the super-confident toddlers in the world :)

And I gave up blaming myself (in my case, my severe PND) a long time ago. Each baby and toddler is different. I have done my best by him and for him - just as you have done for your DS.

I hope my post hasn't depressed you (I LONGED for people to tell me DS would grow out of it at 12 mos, 18 mos etc - but it just didn't happen for us). There will be light at the end of your tunnel, but your DS will get there in his own time. And he'll get there faster if you give him all the comfort and reassurance he is seeking, even if it's through gritted teeth some of the time.

It's not ridiculous to hate the thought of your ds bonding with a cm at all - i'd feel the same, and would have the same worries about going back to work (fortunately we're managing ok at the mo with me at home - can't begin to imagine having to leave dd). I don't know what your field of work is so this may not be possible, but is there any way you can work from home/part time in evenings or anything like that?

IWill, no that doesn't depress me at all. You've actually cheered me up no end. If only because I know that ds isn't the only boy in the world who needs his mother so desperately. I do sometimes feel very alone. To be clear, I never, ever refuse his needs. It goes against everything inside me not to respond to who he is. So just as dd needed me to step back and let 'me do it!!', ds needs me to reassure him. What terrifies me is that we need to pay the mortgage and I cannot bear the idea of sacrificing his wellbeing. He sleeps through the night so I'm considering getting an overnight supermarket type job just to help with the mortgage.

The job I qualified for isn't one that fits in v well with the hours of having 2 dc. And dh is a detective so his hours are all over the flipping shop at times. I'm realising rapidly that I have to find work to fit around both a dh who can't assure any kind of childcare, emergency or otherwise, and two children, one of whom is at school. I have a first class degree and two masters with distinction. I know with them I can probably get onto a pgce course and am entitled to a bursary which would support us sufficiently until I qualified in something which I could fit round the children.

But how the buggering feck do I leave ds? I can't do it. I'm considering selling everything I own. Maybe a kidney.

IWill, re the tripping you up thing, I get irrationally, ridiculously cross when I'm trying to wash up and he pulls down my trousers (I've lost so much weight through lugging him that nothing fits). I stand there, elbow deep in dirty water, too big trousers round my ankles, ds sobbing and have to count to 10 or try not to cry. In fact, anybody who knows me, will have seen on fb the photo of me washing up with ds on the draining board in his bumbo. He breaks at least 2 things a day by throwing them but it's the only way to wash up without him screeching.

I'm glad I didn't depress you! And your DS has good company in my DS!

We ended up moving to a different part of the country so we could live on one wage. Luckily we were renting as could not afford to buy in London anyway, but we have halved our monthly rent (and doubled the size of our house!) by moving up north. So we have a couple of years before I need to get back to work (good job as I am currently pg with no2 - not sure how that is going to work with super-clingy DS, but hey ho!)

And I feel your pain with the constant lugging around...DS was totally immobile until around 17 months But as you say, my arms are lovely and toned!

Where are you based? If by some random coincidence you are in the NE then lets meet up. I know how soul destroying it can be going on playdates when all your child wants to do is sit on your knee and wail!

Yep... I had a few months exactly like this, the worst bit was the arguments it caused between me and my Dh as he said I created it by giving into her crying and picking her up. She is slightly better now (nearly 11 months) but often reverts back to the extreme. Dh made a big effort to play with her in the evenings so she sometimes doesn't mind being held by him now for a little while. It breaks your heart as they just look so upset and abandoned when you walk away (or just put them down!). I keep saying 'it's just a phase' to get me through it!

My first was very self-contained and happy to amuse himself for over an hour, even aged just 3 months. I had the shock of my life when no 2 was a desperate 'clinger' - we were joined at the hip from about 5 to 18 months - she went everywhere on my hip, and screamed continually when I parked her for a minute to use the lav. Slept in my bed too. We laugh about it now (happy confident 18 year old) but it was murder at the time. My mother and husband recall a particular occasiona when I left her to go to work (I only did occasional days) and they gave up and had to bring her to me in a busy A + E department - I identified the screaming child as mine from the other end of the building.....
No 3 was similarly clingy, but not quite so extreme. Aged 11 he still likes to know where I am and checks in with me fairly regularly - comes to find me for a quick cuddle then wanders off again.
Obviously the hospital episode was the trigger in your case, and I guess he will get over it, but in his own good time. Trying to force the issue may make matters worse, not better... Good luck, it won't last for ever. Repeat after me "It's just a phase, it's just a phase...."