17 month old handful..

[facejacker]

Can someone offer some advice?

My 17 month old DS is getting more boisterous by the day. His energy levels are astounding-the Duracell bunny has nothing on him! But increasingly his behaviour is causing me to worry-he's shouting a lot and today hit me full on in the face. I do get frustrated sometimes but NEVER shout at him, only tell him firmly 'no' (for example, he stuck his hand on the stove today whilst I was cooking). I'm currently 5 months pregnant so I feel genuinely upset that I don't have the energy to be able to meet his needs fully, but he just doesn't get tired! He's always been quite high 'needs' (i.e. demanding of my attention) since birth, but I blame myself for that with him being a pfb! I just want him to play by himself quietly for 5 minutes without him shouting, or crying, or screaming 'MUMMY' at the top of his voice...

Am I expecting too much? I know he's only little but I'm just finding it increasingly hard to cope on a daily basis, and worry about much worse it's going to be when the baby arrives (DH works long hours, and tries to help at the weekend but he's renovating the house so has very little time in truth). Also, DH has taken to blaming me every time DS has a tantrum saying he's learnt it from me :(...

Anyone?

No expert at all as my DS is only 20 months but wanted to reply. The younger they are the easier it is but it is definatley worth putting the legwork in now, esp with a new baby on the way. I don't know what pfb by the way. I read that should try and avoid using the word "no" unless really need to because all they do at this age is imitate so rather than no try and use "let's do this one instead" or "gentle" iyswim. I think maybe try and actively be calmer around him and he may imitate it back but it may take a while. But it will be good for you all anyway so it is a win win situation. If he has learnt anything from you than shows if will continue to learn any new behaviour too. Hopefully he wont inherit any finger-pointing traits from your husband! x

Emmie, thanks so much for taking the time to reply..

You made some really really good points there. I shall definitely try to be calmer, though it can be really be testing sometimes. This morning, he want straight from putting his hand on the stove to trying to shove my key in the electric socket (I'd taken the safety plug out for a moment to do some hoovering!).

Pfb = precious first born btw

My 17 month old DS is much the same. He has bundles of energy and has started to shout, scratch, pinch, hit and pull his 3 y o sister's hair. I'm also 4.5 months pg so I know how you feel! I sometimes feel like I'm constantly refereeing the two of them and sometimes I just don't have the energy! I've started to tell him things aren't nice and have been working on him touching my face gently instead of poking my eyes out or pulling my hair and skin

I think a lot of it comes from frustration as although he can talk his understanding is way ahead of his spoken language and he gets frustrated a lot.
I've taken to letting him do some of the inappropriate things he wants to explore (like opening and closing the stairgate over and over) but supervised so he feels less frustrated. I also explain everything to him (today I explained he couldn't have his food yet as it was too hot - he was screaming and yelling and shouted 'NOW!' at me which took me aback a little but labouring the point seemed to work eventually!)

As for the energy I have lots of outdoor toys and a rainproof suit + wellies for each of them so I can put them out in the garden whatever the weather - it's the only thing that knackers them out!
They have pretty much free reign of outside and the lounce and sometimes the hall too or we'll go upstairs for a change of scene which seems to help sometimes (access all areas except the bathroom!)

As for when baby arrives - he'll be so much more advanced then - they come on in leaps and bounds at this age.

The best advice I had was to get a special bag/box of stuff he likes maybe with some little present type things so whenever you're feeding new baby it comes out - my DD loved this and I'm going to do the same again for when DC3 arrives as I'll have all three at home with me (aaaargh!)
I promise it'll get better and I bet you're coping far better than you think you are!
All the best x

With quite an active child I also think it is wise to choose your battles. If it is purely inquisitive and not dangerous then maybe let them do it, and then you'll find yourself needing to tell them off less and therefore when do, because it is less frequent, it will be more noticeable and hopefully they will take notice. Oh and I know, it is so so stressful - and I'm not pregnant. Think use the mantra "everything is a stage". maybe get a dance dvd or something active so can expel some energy.

Hi, I think you are expecting a bit much, sorry, as your DS sounds like a typical toddler. There is an 18 month gap between mine, and I remember how exhausting and challenging I found DS1 toward the end of my pregnancy - but it's totally normal and just another of those stages!

I found that outdoor play helped my DS1 expend a lot of the energy, so we spent a lot of time in the park. Going every morning meant the afternoons tended to be calmer.

My DS1 also tested boundaries by hitting and biting. I would say a firm no and then walk away, or put him in his cot for a minute saying "I don't play with boys that hit/bite etc" which worked surprisingly quickly for us.

I was very worried about how it would be when the baby arrived and it wasn't easy, but was manageable and has got easier as time goes on. You should talk to your DH about his blaming you as that's not helpful and something you should get sorted before the sleepless night induced bickering begins!

In a similar situation 18 month old DS and 6 1/2 months pregnant - have you read anything on 'high needs babies' at all? It really might be worth seeing if your DS has these traits, mine does and it helps to know it's not anything I've done. Your DH is being ridiculous and extremely unhelpful, maybe he needs to spend some time with some other toddlers to realise tantrums are just a part of daily life and can't be caused by anybody else.

I don't think any child listens to the word "no" at this age, I have shouted on occasion (not proud but I'm only human) and I've found it makes it worse, usually happens when I'm busy making lunch or something, he becomes desperate for my attention even if it's negative. I'm trying to let him 'help' where possible (wooden spoon and a pan just like Mummy, lifting him up to see what I'm doing) - I think it makes him feel more independent to be involved and he 'behaves' better

one more thing, I've noticed that tantrums often happen if we've deviated from our loose routine, when he's hungry or tired for example. I've had days lately where I've stuck to the rough schedule below and not had a tantrum all day. I suppose a lot of it is trying to meet the needs before it becomes an emergency but they are going to happen more before they subside, that's just part of the frustration of understanding more than you can communicate

6.30/7 wake up, nurse, snack
8.30 ish breakfast
11 ish nurse, nap
12.30 ish lunch
3.30 ish snack
7ish dinner
7.30 ish bath, story, nurse
8 ish bed with sleep usually around 8.30

some days he wants/needs 2 shorter naps but usually sleeps for an hour late morning (used to do 20-40 min naps so things do get better) and he is starting to be able to 'self-settle' with me in the room

I do think things will get harder before they get easier when number 2 comes along, but everyone I've spoken to says it gets easier after the first year or so.. At least we'll have a vague idea of what we're doing and hopefully these babies will go with the flow a bit more!

I think it would be good to direct your DH to the parenting section of the library or get him more involved, I'd also be telling him I need more support rather than blame. I really don't think anything your son is doing at this stage can be blamed on you being PFB, all toddlers have tantrums and all need their mums, sounds like he has some growing up to do!

Best of luck :)

• your DH I mean, not your DS! ;-)

Thanks so much all for the helpful replies. I feel better knowing other toddlers can be the same. I guess I feel really guilty that I don't have the energy to run around and play as much. I have to be honest, the lack of support from DH has made the situation especially wearing.

The outdoor play idea sounds particularly good. I was thinking of buying him an activity centre thing he can climb on to pop in the garden but everything is so EXPENSIVE (just looked at the ELC website)...

This sounds just like DD2, 19 mnths...she is bouncing with energy constantly, never stays still, climbs on/up EVERYTHING and is generally a bundle of energy with a huge personality even at her young age! All my friends with children the same age say they don't know how I manage with her cos shes such a livewire!!

She has smacked me,DH and DD1 several times (wow does it hurt!!) so we have been teaching her by saying "No, that hurts" and doing a sad face every time she does it. We then take her hand and stroke it against our face saying "gentle" and then do the same back to her (the stroke not the smack ) and gradually she has started to smack less and does the gentle stroke more frequently which is so lovely. Also we have been teaching her to say sorry by saying "thats not nice, what do you say?" if she does something wrong like throwing toys, books etc. Even at her young age she understands as we all use the same phrase; she leans in to give a cuddle, we then tell her good girl and move onto something else.

Distraction techniques is def one of the best ways I find of stopping the tantrums/tempers...I pick something up and in a very enthusiastic voice say "ooohhh whats Mummy got..ooohhhh this is nice!" Works every time!

As for him learning tantrums from you, no he hasn't!! Most toddlers throw wobblers at some point as they are frustrated they can't explain to you what they mean...unfortunately until they can speak it is a guessing game but hang in there and learn to read his signals as hard as it is..eg when DD1 is hungry she repeatedly goes and rattles at kitchen gate...when she is tired and wants to go to bed she rattles at hallway gate...its taken me some time but it def does help.

Do you have anyone you can ask for help or support? I'm very lucky to have my Mum very nearby..I totally admit that I couldn't manage without her and only wish every struggling Mummy had someone to rely on at difficult times.

I'll stop waffling at you now, just know that it will get better in time and hang in there, big hugs from another Mum who knows how hard and stressful an overactive toddler can be!

Remember ELC do price matching so do your research! I bought a sand and water table and got 20% off with the code 'windmill' so worth a try!

Otherwise to be honest my DC's favourite things to do in the garden is sweep up (I have 2 garden brushes so they can both do it and DS literally does it for ages!) and digging up the mud. It might be worth allocating a flower bed or a box of soil with a spade etc for him to get mucky in!
You can also fill a plastic storage box with water and take bath toys out there or sand (I bought some in the supermarket for £2 the other day while doing my shopping!)

Dr greens toddler taming book is fab.

It was my bible first time around and expecting to need it again with ds2+3

Thanks all for being so nice. I can't tell you how reassuring it feels to know there are others out there in my situation. Not to drip-feed but I've had a lot of comments from IL's saying how 'wired' DS is, and it may be something I'm doing as I'm the main carer..

I cried so much today cos I felt genuinely guilty that I'm not doing the right thing...

Same boat here with 17 mo very active DD, 7 months pregnant (and throw in a 3.5 DS for good measure). Agree with above that distraction is best policy when it comes to bad behaviour - they are just experimenting at this age. My only big nos are biting and smacking, and I just put her down very quickly, or turn away, with a firm NO.

Have a look on ebay for outside stuff going cheap - plastic kitchen, ride on toys, small slide etc. We bought cheap plastic boxes from ikea designed for under bed storage, and use them for sand/ gravel/ water - throw in a couple of plastic beakers / yoghurt pots and they are happy for at least 5 minutes.

Inside I try to have a small box or basket of stuff in each room, that I can put on the floor for DD to empty and look at - sometimes toys, farm animals, little books, sometimes just household stuff like odd socks or tealights. Have a look at www.theimaginationtree.com for ideas of 'discovery boxes' which are fab. I plan to have a few in place for when the baby arrives.

I have noticed that the more tired and stressed I get, the more DS notices that - and his behaviour gets worse (and he is incredibly active as well!).

So, I don't have an option. I have to find a way to remain calm and to find more patience somewhere. Once I do that, everything falls into place. Don't think I think it's easy, but there are ways to do it - and by the way, I'm 6 months pg so I understand how tired you are.

Some things that work for me: get in a warm bath with DS and stay there for hours (he loves to bath with mum and I can rest a bit while he plays). Go for a walk (tires him and improves my mood). Go somewhere I want to go (a museum, a park I like, a friend's house. No soft play or playground in any circunstance!). Put DS in a sling (he gets quiet for a while and feels better, so I have some time to put my thoughts together). Or just breathe and sing a silly song very loud, until I feel less stressed (DS usually just stares at me, bemused).

Hope any of this works, and good luck.

I had a very demanding toddler, not aggressive but needing my attention all the time. At 18 months she started to play on her own for a few minutes here and there and it improved very gradually. DD2 is a different child altogether, it's not anything I did just their personalities.

Yep, agree with all of above re: play things, DD2 loves playing with wooden spoons, silicone spatula etc generally anything that isn't actually a real toy! So as long as she can't hurt herself and it keeps her quiet/calm then I let her play with them. She also has a small cupboard in the kitchen which she knows as 'her cupboard' as it contains all her plastic bowls, cups, cutlery etc, its the only one without a lock on and she is more than happy to play at emptying and filling it whilst I'm making tea/washing up etc. I just be very very aware that I don't leave anything near the edge of the worktop or front of hob as she can reach up on her tiptoes and grab!!

Also is there anything particular he loves on TV? I'm no advocate of using the telly as a babysitter not often anyway!! and DD won't watch for longer than 2 minutes anyway unless there are animals on! She is animal mad, especially monkeys! And when I'm feeling exhausted from yet another night of no sleep it gives me 15 valuable mins to recharge whilst we snuggle on the settee together.

Have you looked in B&M Bargains for outdoor play stuff? The often get Little Tikes stuff in much cheaper than ELC. Also look on Preloved and Gumtree.

Bye again!

I have looking into the benefits of outdoor play more and more lately and I think it could be of help for your little one, it helps to wear them out a bit, whilst other can help them develop, this guide explains it better than i can www.childrensfunkyfurniture.com/blog/best-outdoor-toys-to-benefit-your-childs-development/ anyway, playing outdoors he can run around as much as he wants without you having to tell him off too much. I have alos heard about mums getting children to 'help' them out as much as possible, things like plastic bowls and cups he can play with while you make lunch so he believe hes helping, or go out gardening and he can water the plants. He will really feel a sense of empowerment and it may help him calm down a bit.