I don't want DD to be like me

[watermargin]

yet I know I am her role-model! It's hard.

My back story is long and complicated, but in a nutshell I was CONSTANTLY put down by my parents and bullied at school by the "cool" boys in my primary school class. This accelerated when I went to secondary and became so bad I started pulling out my hair. As a result, I've never had much confidence, never had a boyfriend or a relationship (DD was the result of a one time only thing, with someone from work who is a lot older than I am.)

I really don't want DD to have a life like mine - I'm very conscious that when she grows up she will (I hope) want to go out with her friends and have boyfriends and get married and have her own children and my life will be very empty then.

How can I show her I am not a good example!?

By taking steps to improve your life and your self-esteem so that you become a better role model. And so that you can feel happy with yourself and your life. It's not nice growing up with a mother who is unhappy - however much you might think you keep it hidden, she knows, and it is a huge burden for a child to deal with.

You're not at school any more and you can change things and improve your confidence and make friends - if you want to.

Why not turn it around and become a good example. Girls tend to look up to their mothers, Unfortunately mine was it sounds a lot like yours so I ended up believing the things she told me - that I was thick, ugly, fat etc. I refuse to let my childhood have a negative impact on my role as a parent, I am a good mum and I would be honoured if my children looked up to me in the future as a role model. You can be a victim of the circumstances in your life or choose a better way to live.. I can't keep on blaming my unhappiness on things that happened more than half my lifetime ago. I have a similar background to you but I choose to enjoy what I have now instead of dwelling on the past (most of the time) - CBT helped me quite a bit, could you speak to your GP?

I'm not blaming my unhappiness on anything, I'm just explaining why things are the way they are and I'm not exactly unhappy but at the same time I want to impress on DD that it isn't normal to never have a partner or husband and I hope she'll have lots of friends at school. I have a few friends but it's been hard going as I didn't have a base from which to work from, if you like.

Your DD will have inherited some things from you, but she isn't you; she is her own little person. It can work the other way too; while you couldn't get two people more gregarious than my parents, I am really quite shy. I am sure you are showing her plenty of good things and also providing her with a secure and loving home and giving her the support and encouragement that your parents that your parents were unable give you. Lots of mums are on their own for one reason or another, so that is not so unusual.

Don't blame yourself for the way you are. Put your bad school experiences in the past. Cherish the friendships that you do have. Encourage your DD in the friendships that she makes - whether it is one or 2 good friends or lots of different friends - and always make them welcome in your home. Don't overthink it or think to far ahead with worrying about your DD's future.

How old is your DD? x

I have read lots stuff from people on here who have moved beyond their upbringing and turned it into something positive. Try to build up your DDs self esteem with lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement. And use your concerns for her future to try and improve your own self esteem.

I am a ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholic) and had serious concerns about becoming a parent because of all my issues from my childhood / relationship with my alcoholic mother etc.

I too became pregnant by accident but with my DH.

I saw a counsellor all through my pregnancy which really helped me face things that I had hidden from before (the fear of post-natal-depression was my main motivator)

Anyway, I was recommended this book which really helped me:
drdansiegel.com/books/parenting_from_the_inside_out/
www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-understanding-Children/dp/1585422959

Good luck.