DS 24 mnths - is it normal that I feel like hiding under the bed?

[muddychipmunk]

DS is just two. He can throw the best tantrums . I think he's just normal - he is starting to talk, has a huge receptive vocab but doesn't say much yet. He's physically v strong and big for his age, and is very very very determined about everything. He was prem, and eating / sleeping was a nightmare for the first few months, until I just responded to him instead of trying to do what everyone from HV to my MIL and my own mum were all telling me. And that's the thing. Im on my own with him week in week out while DP is at work no family or friends nearby. ive done all the nights, nappy changes etc I feel I know DS so well, and while of course he surprises me at times, in general we chug along. Ive found better to respond to him and work with him to come to the conclusion that I'm looking for, than try to boss him and impose it on him. I know this sounds weak and woolly minded, and when he's lying on the floor screaming, it looks like I'm just useless; my mum advocates a smack for that kind of behaviour but whenever I have smacked, it (a) doesn't mprove the situation AT ALL and (b) is an indication that I'm taking my frustrations out on DS physically to make me feel better, which I dont think is the way to go?

At present, I'm trying to keep my goals in mind, and trying to be patient with him. Just had my mum on the phone telling me how DS isn't displaying age appropriate behaviour - for example, he will, if presented with food which he doesn't want, hurl it on the floor. The thing is, this happens when he's told me no. He's refused it, and then I still place the food on the table, and then he goes over to it and throws it while saying no again. (not often, I must add. This is just an example).

I feel like I'm having to make excuses for not taking conspicuous control, and trying to find other ways to get to the end result. I must say that DS is also a very happy and confident child, who takes good care of toys and books, plays nicely with other children and the cat, and is determined to move throu life as fast as he can (I'm not babying him!). I do say no, I do tell him off. It's just here are occasions when it coms to a stand off when DS will go to the ends of the earth to not back down and so rather than teach him endurance in this stance, I'd rather bypass it altogether and go in a different direction.

Not sure what I'm asking for - reassurance that on the face of it, it's possible that I'm not creating a monster? Other people who find their parenting style at odds with others to offer support? Even just someone to say that their just two year old wasn't potty trained, talking and displaying table manners? That DS's lack of refinement isnt all my fault for being indulgent and weak? Maybe just someone to be nice?

He doesn't get to tell YOU no.

He doesn't get to throw his food on the floor. If he does, pick it up and walk away from him. Do not reward this with more negotiation or alternatives.

I don't see how smacking a screaming child is going to help matters, tantrums aren't bad behaviour; they're usually a result of frustration, tiredness or hunger and are completely normal toddler behaviour.

I don't think you have to justify your parenting to anyone providing your son is well cared for, it's nobody else's business. I think if my parenting choices were being 'challenged' I would have to say "thanks for your concern but we're managing just fine thank you, if we need your help we will ask for it"

there's a website often mentioned on here, I think it's called 'positive parenting' and a good thread on parenting without rewards or punishment - I can't say it's how I do things all the time but I'm certainly happier when I do.

If you spend all day with your child then you know him best, don't let anyone else's opinion cloud your judgement or effect your confidence as a parent

I don't have a two year old, mine is only 16 months but I completely agree with your parenting style. A friend of mine told me when I was pregnant that I should listen to my baby as he will teach what kind of mum he needs (and she's a PHD in children's psychology if that's worth anything). Some babies / toddlers need discipline and a strict regime (apparently) others need a mum who's tuned in to their wants and needs. You're not spoiling him, well at least in my opinion. You'd be creating a monster if you left him locked in his room all day without food or hitting him repeatedly, or in a less radical approach, if you tried to curb his character or break his will. Two is awfully young still. Some babies are potty trained by then, some others aren't, some talk, others don't. Trantrums are absolutely normal and good for you that you have a strong willed boy, he'll be better equipped to fight the bullies at school. I might be naive but I think what they need most is the certitude that they are loved for who they are. Accepting a child's personnality is the best a mum can do to help him flourish and turn into a great Guy later!

that No sounds like he doesn't have the vocab to say he doesn't want it.

maybe you could use that to encourage him to convey his meaning?
rather than just place the food in front of him when he's said "no" , ask him "don't you want it?" "can you say "no thank you" (he won't be able to, but at least you're telling him what the correct way to do it is)
what he's doing is getting frustrated - he's said he doesn't want it, but you've given it to him anyway.

next time he says no, tell him the proper way to do it then remove the food.
you can always present it again later.

nickel and saucepans - this is it - you both have the two takes on his behaviour that I'm swinging between. I think the food hurling problem occurs when I don't listen to him - you're right nickel. And then there's the saucepans side where I think oh it's tea time, I'm going to put his food on the table to stick to the routine even if he isn't hungry and he can take it or leave it but not leave it over the floor.

cup of tea - I like the idea of positive parenting. I'm already trying the no punishment / no reward pproach but im not sure if I'm getting it right, and some extra ideas would be great, especially if Dp could be convinced of the concept. Thank you. I do maybe need to get a bit tougher re saying thank you but we're fine - my area of the uk seems to have lots of ladies who all believe that they should give me the benefit of their opinion, and when random strangers stop you and tell you off it starts to make you question if the job you're doing is so outrageously bad that they felt they had to say something IYSWIM

oliveandjim thank you. I think one of the hardest things about listening to advice and discusses on parenting is that not all mothers are able to accept that children are very different and that just because something worked in their experience for their child, that it just isn't appropriate for mine. We visited family friends n their baby at weekend, and came away stunned at how different their dd was from ours. We sat in car on way home going "but our DS just would never have just laid on the floor giggling / let strange woman hold him / fallen asleep in a bouncy chair"

I'm quite happy to discipline DS - as I said, I do say no, I do tell him off, but I want these measures to contribute in some way towards a change in behaviour in the future, not just to fuel a tantrum, either his or mine, that doesn't serve any real purpose.

routines are good, but sometimes people just aren't hungry when it's tea-time. :)