Attachment at 3-6 months, advice please

[lottiegb]

I'd like some advice on typical attachment patterns at this age. Specifically, does a baby at this age really mind who is looking after her? Or is she really much more comfortable with her parents and likely to become or remain distressed if looked after by someone else for a day, when used to being looked after by parents?

I'm having a very specific dilemma, about whether to take dd, 4months, to the olympic rowing with us (in a sling, outdoor venue, 4.5 hour event with two hours of travel and security in - car, bus, short walk - and an hour back) or to leave her with a friend, who I trust but has only met her once and who will be looking after her own children too, though with her DH, sister and sister's small children, for the day. I veer between feeling dd will be more comfortable at the friend's house and probably quite happy, to being really concerned that she'll know we're not there, get upset, be hard to console and generally feel abandoned. I'd feel differently if it was 2 or 3 hours but it's about 8.

Dd is fed on EBM and has spent up to 8 hours at her GPs' house happily but has spent lots of time with them at our house and with us at theirs. She is generally an 'easy' baby, contented, social (loves laughing and smiling at people and 'talking' to them) but does go from 0 to very upset, very fast (hunger, wind or tiredness) and is more effectively consoled by me than by her GPs.

I know the answer is 'whatever you are most comfortable with / you know your baby best' but I would welcome some objective child development advice on typical attachment at this age to help me understand my decision better. Thanks.

I'm afraid it's not that simple, all babies are different! My own dd couldn't be left with anyone, not even her dad, for any time at that age - but many friends' babies could. My dd was breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle though, which might have had something to do with it.

Is there any way you could do a 'trial run' with the friend, leaving your dd there for an hour or two say, or could her grandparents look after her?

The logistics are against us. Friend lives near the venue, we and GP are a few hours away. We'll be staying the weekend but won't arrive until Friday evening, then going out for event early Sat morning. Partly for that reason - no opportunity for trial run, or even to spend time all together (friend stayed weekend with us when dd was 7 weeks, not the same) - I think we have to take dd with us, as we'd be getting her up and practically dumping her on them!

I suppose I feel I may be overemphasising my own importance to dd and prioitising my peace of mind and imposing a less comfortable day on her as a result. She is probably not that bothered about her surroundings, or who feeds and plays with her.

So what I'm really asking for is general contextual information, rather than an answer to my specific dilemma.

At 4 months most babies are attached to their primary caregivers and 8 hours is a long time. She would definitely notice, although only you can know how she is likely to react. But there wouldn't be any long term effects just from one separation. In terms of comfort, the availability of primary (or at least familiar) caregivers is more important than surroundings to babies and children.

BTW I don't think you should underestimate the importance of your own feelings. Evolution seems to have designed mums and babies to stay close, and that wouldn't happen if mum wasn't bothered by separations!

If I were in your situation I would probably veer towards leaving her with your friend. I would just worry about things out of my control, like the venue being too noisy, the baby getting fed up of being in the sling, the weather being too hot or too cold (or chucking it down with rain).
If it helps, my DD is almost one and at nursery and the ladies there (during a conversation about DD crying when we leave her) said that babies under 6 months are the easiest to look after because they just don't notice their parents leave and as long as their needs are met they are fine. I left my DD with my mum for the day when she was about 12 weeks and wrote a very long list of 'how to's'. Might put your mind at rest if you decide to leave her x

I'm taking my 4 month old to an Olympic event - we're also taking my 2 year old (we had applied for a ticket for him but DD wasn't conceived when we got the tickets!). For me, the logistics of leaving her with someone else are more hassle than taking her with me (expressing enough milk would be a faff for a start). Plus, I don't think I'd enjoy myself knowing she was off somewhere else. More fun for all of us to go together. Then she can always says she was at the Olympics

We live in North london, so have only about an hour to travel each way (walking, bus & train). I'm excited about it!

Thanks all.

It's only about 20 mins drive from friend's house to the venue but we have to use park and ride, then a 20 min walk. I imagine it would take us at least an hour to get back, which feels long if she's unhappy and away from us but manageable if she's unhappy but with us. We can always leave early.

When she stayed 8 hours with the GPs she was happy, otherwise they could have brought her home in 20 mins at any time. I think the lack of familiarity is the clincher here but am still pondering.

The weather is looking good and the rowing venue is spacious, seats at one end but space to wander about, not like being stuck in a stadium. She doesn't have to be in the sling, can be on us but we can't take a pushchair.

I do wonder how much it matters who is playing, singing to and feeding her, up to a point but I do feel she knows, familiarity is important beyond a short time and we know her.

Update - we took her with us and all was fine, as weather was good as forecast. The right choice I think.

Mamabear's point about the under 6m olds chimes with my suspicions but 8 hours and lack of familiarity with people were key to my decision.

It was dd's first night away from home too. She was very interested in her unfamiliar surroundings and new people at first, took a long time to settle, so didn't sleep enough at night, hence quite sleepy and placid in the day.

Venue was fine for her, like a regatta with people sitting along the grass, so not especially noisy, as a stadium might be. Lots of other babies, many gathered near us under the shade of a large tree (very well positioned)!