Would you tell other parents??

[lisad123]

Was going to post in SN board but would like a broader opinion.
Dd1 is 9, she has autism (she knows this) and a few other issues.
She's just left we old school and starts new school in Sept.
I told a few parents about her autism at school, it was a secret but told those that needed to know or who asked.
Now her new school is very small and they seem very friendly ect, one of the mums who's dd is in the same class has invited us for tea over holidays to help dd get to know her class mates.
Now dd1 doesn't want any of her new class knowing she has autism. Her teachers know.
Do I mention it to new parents but then risk them telling their child? It's not an issue unless
She goes to their homes/parties ect but tbh I rarely leave her as her anxieties are huge and she has been know to meltdown or self harm.

So do I keep it quiet?

Difficult one, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes as well as the other parents shoes, I think I would want to know if I had a child over just in case she does get overly upset about something it would help me to understand why etc, but I can also see it from you and your dd point of view with her wanting to be treated just the same as everyone else.

Can you perhaps make the first visit quite short and see how it goes ? and then take it from there, see how she gets on ? perhaps invite the other child to yours a week or so later, in time I'm sure they will all get to know each other and each others little differences so labels might not be so much of an issue ?

Hope it all works out for you both.

I think I would be inclined to tell the parent on the very strictest understanding that their child wasn't told - I can totally understand that your DD doesn't want her classmates to know. Would she understand that other responsible adults (such as teachers, and parents who are in loco parentis when she's on a playdate) ought to know so that they can help her in the right way if she gets upset?

I think you need to tell the parent.

I also think you need to subtlety begin encouraging your daughter that it's ok to tell people as its not something she should be embarrassed about.

I have a nine year old DD with AS. She will be attending the Autism Specific unit in her new school in September so I don't have a choice about people knowing.

If I did I would tell other parents that she has lots of anxieties and a few other difficulties and let them know what you would like them to do if she gets upset.

If your daughter doesn't want the label to be applied to her then I don't think you've got the right to tell anyone. If it gets to the point where you feel it's important for someone to know you can explain to her why and ask her permission to share it.

I have older children and no experience of AS.

I would say that if you tell the parents, the children will know, whether you ask them not to tell them or not. If you stay with a nine yo on a play date it will be obvious that she is not NT. I think you use euphemisms, statements of fact, call them what you will - DD gets anxious if I don't stay with her, DD struggles to concentrate, sometimes DD struggles to play others' games - whatever it is. Then the parents will understand the issues but you don't need to use the diagnosis as a label.

I would know what you were meaning, I think, but it would be helpful to me to understand what your DD might struggle with, if she were in my home.

Could you arrange for the first social meeting to be a joint one, all four of you out for cake at a cafe or something similar?

I just thought that may help your DD with her anxiety (having you there) and give you the opportunity to gauge the situation and chat to the mother about your DD's needs if you think it's best.

I know exactly what you are going through Lisad, only my issue is slightly different because my Dd3 doesnt know she has ASD at the moment.

Recently she was invited to an all day party including a picnic lunch with 3 other girls who were all NT. In the past she has been out for a day with families whose DC's have various SN's and the parents know that she has SN's.

I had to tell the other parent who was taking them out all day but I just said that she can get anxious and upset sometimes and that she likes to know what will happen through the day, I also said that if she needed to be away from the other DC's for a short time that the Mum should not be concerned.

Luckily Dd3 is usually able to hold it together while she is away from home and then she collapses into a heap when she gets home.

In the end the day went really well and everyone had fun, the other mum and I kept in touch by text throughout the day and it was a success.

I would try to find a way to give the other parents some brief info about your Dd without actually telling them about the ASD especially as your Dd has said she doesnt want the other children to know.

Good luck whatever you decide to do

I think if she's aware of her diagnosis and not wanting people to know about it then you have to respect that and that includes parents.

If she's never left in the care of other parents then I don't see why they need to know, if it ever did become an issue you could tell them that she has anxiety issues but that she doesn't want to tell peo

I'm starting to really hate my phone...

Doesn't want people to know - at least until you know them well enough to know that they wouldn't tell their DC.

Sorry haven't been back to this been mad few days of leaving school. Thanks for opinions. Of course her teachers know, as does other school staff who may need to know.
I guess your right I could tell another parent about her issues without telling her the dx.

I guess this is the problem, it's not my information to share, she's certainly been fine with others knowing who need to know and certainly don't think she's embarrassed about it but maybe doesn't want to be different from others anymore than she already is.