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Original poster

my 3 1/2 year old dd talks to me like i am shit

25 replies

overdraft · 04/03/2006 21:21

She is third child i have two sons.They are a dodle compared to her.I am not a soft parent and they know that they would never get away with it but her.It dosen't matter what i do,how many times i tell her off.She could winge for england.She never gets her own way either so what the hell is going on here.Is this normal for daughter and mother? even if it is nice things that we do together like making cakes for example,she won't let me hold the spoon and tells me she knows how to do it and i am wrong.When i am due on like now it is horrible.How can i deal with it?

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hermykne · 04/03/2006 21:32

take her away from the boys and spend a da with her alone doing things she likes, saw a child not dissimilar on that programe on bbc3 i think, and the mom never got a good reaxtion to her, they went iceskating one day then lunch and chit chat and built o it form there, and got better talking.
hth

Original poster
overdraft · 04/03/2006 21:39

our realationship is awful at the moment.It seems if she is in a mood i cop it.Worried that this will get worse.

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Original poster
overdraft · 04/03/2006 21:41

hermykne i will try and spend more timewith her.The boys are at school full time so she has me then i suppose.She dose get worse when they are home from school.She also isn't interested in doing things with me.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/03/2006 21:44

At the risk of upsetting you - which i know is obviously the last thing you need - children tend to behave this way because they are either;

bored
are mirroring your behaviour/mood
have no boundaries

Im pretty sure you are trying to set boundaries so i am wondering if she is acting the way you expect her too and because she is bored and wants your attention. Can you try taking her to soft play or a park when you want to do something with her rather than picking a task where you will inevitably have to intervene or "take charge" at certain points?

charliecat · 04/03/2006 21:45

My dd is now 8, at some point she was driving me up the wall with the way she spoke to me and her attitude etc and so instead of getting into an arguement or saying anything about what she was saying doing, I just kept my mouth firmly shut unless I was saying something nice or offering something or a simple yes no...it stopped the circle. It worked...i remember that...dont know if that will help but thought I would add it!

hermykne · 04/03/2006 21:46

overdraft it wont get worse if u decide now to get help in sorting it out. perhaps oyur doc could rec something/one to help/assist.

does she stay with anyone else or just you 24/7

Original poster
overdraft · 04/03/2006 21:53

she is at nursery 4 mornings a week at the moment.Don't get me wrong she is not a complete nightmare.It feels like she is almost competing with me to be top woman in our house.My sons have had enough of it too.Had words with dh tonight because he lets her treat him like that.

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Original poster
overdraft · 04/03/2006 21:55

VeniVidiVickiQV yes she does behave worse if i am in a bad mood.I have p.m.t tonight and she has been awful.She cheeks me back and is so rude

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/03/2006 21:59

I often find that when im in a good mood i talk to my DD more, respond to her better and therefore she is much much better.

When im having a bad day (I have pnd) i find that she is ultimately worse and i can only put it down to the fact that she is responding to how i am being with her (short tempered, irritated at her for wanting to play/asking the same question over and over and over again etc).

If im not too bad and she is being truly awful i tend to try and take a step back and change tack - suddenly ask her to do something to help me/fetch something etc etc and it diffuses things.

9 times out of 10 its me not her. There is always that 1 time though.....Wink

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/03/2006 22:00

AND i find that if she tells me to "go away mummy" or similar cheeky retort its usually because i have said it to her somewhere in the last few hours so totally my fault really.

nannyme · 04/03/2006 22:01

Again, another post which runs the risk of upetting you but I hope not:

Maybe your negative view of her is perpetuating the situation? If you are descrbing her as negatively as "she could whinge for England" then I guess you are probably equally bitter and negtive towards her when you are together.

Maybe you could try rewriting the script so that she has the opportunity to become the person you would like her to be rather then the one you currently have her down as. Try being positive towards her for positive behaviour in return.

Out of interest, what do you when you are trying to get back the spoon?

dinny · 04/03/2006 22:03

I think that when children misbehave it's generally because they want more positive attention. Maybe try telling her how clever she is at making cakes etc. A little praise may swing things round a bit...?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/03/2006 22:04

Sorry - quick hijack - nannyme did you get my email and have you seen my update?

longwaytogo · 04/03/2006 22:06

Overdraft you have had a lot of changes in the last 8 months it bound to affect them. My dd is wetting everywhere, and the other day pulled her pj's down and pooed in the bed. I think it's just her way of saying I'm here too.

Hope your all alright! Guess what we completed on the house yesterday!!!!

nannyme · 04/03/2006 22:36

Quick hijack back!

Yes VVV I got it. Am planning my reply! Thanks for the detailed mail with update on the situation. You would have been perfect before you got sorted! Richard and Judy want a sleep problem so unless you decide that you have had enough of patting, etc. then they couldn't use you. Happy to let you have your freebie on the other stuff though!

You sure you're alright wih all that patting and shhing?!!!!!

Original poster
overdraft · 04/03/2006 22:38

thats brill longwaytogo.I guess she has had a lot to cope with.Maybe she is testing me to see if i will leave her too.
Right fresh start in morning.We just clash big time.Thanks and no you haven't upset me.sometimes when your in it you can't see out.When she is not moaning she is so sweet

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/03/2006 22:42

LOL NM, now you mention it....Wink

Good for you overdraftSmile

Earlybird · 04/03/2006 22:59

I sometimes have elements of this with dd, who has just turned 5. I think part of it is that she is trying to separate herself from me, and become her own independent person. Recently, in a moment of childlike clarity, she said "you never let me be in charge mummy". It made me stop and re-evaluate. Now I am making a conscious effort to let her control some things and be in charge - whether it's what she wants for breakfast, what she wants to wear on weekends/after school, whether we walk or take the bus etc. At the moment, it seems to be making a difference.

All a long-winded way of saying, maybe your dd is a bit like mine, and doesn't want to give you the spoon and tells you how to do things because she is asserting her independence? Would it help if you let her have her own way sometimes when it's possible to take her desires/preferences into account?

Original poster
overdraft · 05/03/2006 21:27

Have had a better day today.I have made an effoert to take more notice of her.She is very strong willed though.She won't always let me read to her either and says "look mummy i can read you know".Yet she is lazy and will not undress herself.She let me do her hair today and i didn't get cross so that is something.Think we are too alike to be honest.We have been out today and she hasn't wet herself once.

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nannyme · 05/03/2006 21:33

Oh what a positive update - hope you two can work out your differences (or similarities!!) Grin

sobernow · 05/03/2006 21:41

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Original poster
overdraft · 05/03/2006 21:46

sobernow I hope we are best friends when she is older.I don't want to be a doormat though.She is so old for her age and she can manipulate the men folk in my house already.I seem to be the only one who knows what she is up to.She is so clever and I think she could also really do with starting school now i.y.k.w.i.m not that i want to get rid of her though.She is my last child and i want to enjoy her

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sobernow · 05/03/2006 22:00

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Original poster
overdraft · 05/03/2006 22:03

well lets compare notes in ten years.i hope they are positive

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sobernow · 05/03/2006 22:29

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