How would you deal with this?

[Ozziegirly]

So, this is for the future really. DS is nearly 2, and quite often I will say things like "could you please get your water bottle from the steps and bring it here" (if we're leaving the park) or "could you please go and fetch the ball and put it in the bag" (same) or similar - so, reasonable and simple requests.

At the moment, he does this.

But what will happen if he says "no" as I'm sure he will in the future?

I know that sounds dumb, but I was thinking about this the other day - what consequences do you attach to failure to comply with those kind of reasonable requests? I can't really do the "ok, it will be left behind then" because I don't want to leave it behind.

My DD is 18 months and says 'no' to a lot of things at the moment - even if she does actually do the thing.

If she doesn't do whatever it is I have asked (e.g. get shoes and put in bag) then I do it. And just say something like, 'It would be nice if you could help mummy'. She's too young to reason with at this age. I don't think I'd go with the leaving behind concept until she's old enough to grasp that.

DD1 (3) can be very contrary. I've learnt not to make things into win or lose ultimatums. If things get adversarial then one of us is going to end up very cross/unhappy/trantruming/shouting/crying (you get the idea). So if she says no, I'll say something like "ok, come on, lets go and do it together." Everything has to be kept very light and non-confrontational. I don't think about it as "failure to comply", it is about getting stuff done as team.

Disclaimer: that is just one way of dealing with it - and a way that lots of people disagree with.

That's a really good idea Cam - I must confess I do sometimes find the 'no' responses quite trying. Teamwork is the way ahead! :)

Yes and just lots of positive reinforcement when they do it, or help to do it, 'oh you are sooooo helpful, look how good you are at tidying up...' etc
I do a bit of a pre-emptive strike too
So, when they want to go to the park, I say, yes we can go to the park as long as you are well behaved, do xyz etc
Then if they don't, the next time they want to go, I remind them IYSWIM

If you ask a child to do something and they choose to refuse you have to decide at the time if there need to be a consequence. On some occasions you might just go and get it yourself without further comment. On others you might threaten to leave it behind but only if it is a threat you are prepared to carry through. It might be a case of leaving something at Grandma's house rather than in a public place. On others you might think of another consequence like not going to the park on the way home, etc.

You could also try offering and alternative like asking them to bring a different thing while you get the water bottle so they can see that you each have your own jobs to do and, if you do theirs, they have to help with yours.

Natural consequences are the best way to learn so try to use those rather tan punishments. If they refuse to bring their coat and they get wet in the rain they will learn but that's usually only ok on the way home and if it's not so cold it does them harm.

If you think the child is likely to say no and there is no appropriate consequence don't ask them to do it in the first place.

The most important thing is to be consistent and carry through anything you say will happen.

I use the count to five method and there is never any messing about. I count to five calmly, clearly and without slowing down or adding halves, etc. When I get to five the consequence happens without fail. That meant that when DD2 was in hospital last week, refusing to have blood taken, I told her I would count to five and then leave the room. She knew I meant it and when I started counting she put her arm out and let them do it. I felt terrible doing it to her but she really needed the blood taken that night and it got it over with without her having to be restrained.

I've just realised that I should have emphasised that using positive reinforcement, praising helpful, cooperative behaviour is of course the first strategy you should use because that always works better than punishment or consequences.

Thanks, all really helpful - I am quite good at the positive reinforcement and I like the idea od "teamwork" too. I'm all for natural consequences too, and I like the "helping mummy" ideas too.

Thanks everyone.