Advice wanted on VERY STRONG WILLED child!!

[Melodysmum]

Good evening Mummies - Dont feel like smiling today

I was just looking for some advice/sanity..If any is going around tonight?
I have a 3.5 year old daughter , Me and her dad & her havent had a very good time since she was around 18 months old, there was tantrums and everything you would expect at that age, and basically we couldnt do NOTHING with her, dad had to go shopping on his own and leave her with me and I would take the dogs out in peace and leave her with him..And really we still sometimes do it now, and we had to get the HV involved for some behaviour techniques as we didnt know what to do, both being first time parents, she went through the sticker charts, naughty chair/step, taking things off her that she loved and also sending her to nursery (Paying for it as she wasnt funded) and she loved it, got mixing with others and enjoyed it and was a star and beleive me apart from that NOTHING worked, so in the end at the age of 3 she was diagnosed with Glue ear, and had grommets fitted, we was promised and promised by EVERYONE that the behaviour would change and we'd have a different child...(AS IF), she was good for about a fortnight, and now we feel shes 10X worse than she was before the grommets, she will not walk right, wont hold our hands, keeps getting on the floor,wont get dressed and sorted in the morning properly ready for nursery, the attitude absolutely stinks and its like living with a 14 year old, she wont leave the dogs alone, or in general just do what shes asked/told! I just sit most days and wonder what all the comotion is about having children, I just dont see/feel the pleasure in it, I love her to bits as shes my daughter, but I just want a child I can go for a walk with and come home and say wow she was brilliant and we've enjoyed it but something is wrong somewhere, even the HV said she was running out of ideas and it sempt like she was trying to control the situation all the time and it was a cycle, but I just dont know how to stop it, have a good child and enjoy it..ANY advice would be most grateful, Im just fed up of moaning all the time!!

Thanks in Advance!

DD3 (5) was like this until 3 months ago. After reading similar threads on here about behaviour and realising that DD3 has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) I started giving her vitamins with omega 3. It's changed our lives!

I now have a lovely child who still has her moments but generally she's happy and content and sooooo much more reasonable about everything. It took about 4 weeks and then people started commenting about her changed behaviour (generally not flying off the handle at every perceived injustice in her life - all day, every day ). After 6 weeks she was a different child and last week even her teacher commented on how much calmer she is.

My home is so much calmer, I feel like a whole new person and the dynamics in the family have totally changed. I don't know if it works for every child but omega 3 has got to be worth a try.

All along I have been saying...ITS GOT TO BE SOMETHING SIMPLE she is running our lives, our home, everything. I sound like a real moaner, and people honesty thing im over exaggerating and im really FAR from it! Do they have to be diagnosed with that or can I just buy her the vitamins and give them to her?? Thanks for your comment!!

I didn't bother with the diagnosis route, I've been in this position with DD1 and the professionals made it all about my parenting. So this time I decided that I'd find a way to help my daughter myself. I'd never heard of ODD until a couple of weeks ago (thanks Mumsnetters ) but DD3 shows every single symptom strongly. I did lots of research and decided that trying to raise her serotonin levels could help. The health food shop recommended omega 3. You can buy vitamins with omega 3 in the supermarkets, Boots and health food shops. We use the orange or blackcurrant capsules.

Yes thats very true, its always something you've done, i've felt that way too. Stay calm, dont shout, ignore, dont stress...Its very hard when the child wont do ANYTHING. Thankyou very much, I have had a look on the ODD on the internet and it sounds very very much like my daughter!

I'm sorry, but I have to step in here. ODD is a clinical disorder with life long impact and 6 Weeks of vitamins does not cure it.

ODD is a disorder in which very, very normal behaviours are taken to a persistent, extreme level, and that behaviour is seen in a variety of settings.

What you describe is normal, but annoying behaviour. And, tbh, your HV has suggested techniques which require cognitive reasoning and understanding, which your DD is unlikely to have when she is in 'red mist'territory.

My DD3 can be very challenging with most things. Very wearing. Very different to the challenging behaviour my DD1 (who has severe SN) displays, and a bit of a shock after DD2 who is naturally compliant.

Things I have found helpful:

1. Try and find a point you agree on.
2. Don't argue, it will just become a battle.
3. Use 'DD, I'm going to count to 3, and if you haven't done x, I will have to help you...' The fierce need for independence will take over the resistance to comply.

4.distract, distract, distract.

1. Make it fun! I bet you can't.....
2. Allow extra time so that you're not stressed.
3. Give warning in advance if you expect something to happen.

Honestly, if your DD had ODD she would not have settled into nurseryas you say she has.

I have gave warnings before things are about to happen - I get laughed at
I have tried the dont argue, when she wont get her coat on, get ready for nursery, I just feel I need something more than counting to 3 because it doesnt work if im getting laughed at does it? I have taken favourite things off her..after half hour she isnt bothered..!?
She doesnt walk properly, keeps getting on the floor weather shes holding my hand, or on the reins, (I dont want to go back to push chairs, as it isnt a far walk and I'd feel im taking 13 steps backwards) she's swinging around and one of us is going to get hurt in the process with pulled arms/shoulders, and no I cannot let her go as its busy roads! I just feel, everything is a constant battle, we have dogs, she likes to come walking and hold the dog, but it's coming back its a nightmare! ODD may be a clinical disorder but doctors just laugh at you, and just say...Oh well, she's 3 she'll grow out of it they dont seem to take anything serious, she hasnt been diagnosed with it, she nobody knows if she does have it, im just looking for advice on how to deal with such a strong willed, clever little girl who knows how to press my buttons!
And also about nursery, her colours are finally beginning to show there too, as ive been told by quite a few of the nursery nurses x

Omega 3. It has changed our lives! Give it a whirl I wish we had earlier.

It sounds very tough and you must be exhausted... It kind of sounds like she's pushing your buttons for attention, and you've all got in a kind of negative cycle. You are the adult here and need to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are in charge, that she needs you to keep being loving, consistent and giving her boundaries, and that things will improve. There must be something you can do together where you can feel proud of her and enjoy her company - could you do more trips to the park where you can run around together and play with the dogs and climb things, or whatever she would enjoy most? It's hard to be positive when you're so worn down and miserable - can you get more help from family or friends, do you and your partner find time to chill out after she's gone to bed?

hermionestranger - how has the Omega3 helped if you don't mind me asking? Having a difficult time with DD1 who's about to turn 6 at the moment. She ticks a lot of the ODD symptoms and ADD too (just got quite teary reading those just now) but it is hard to tell whether she's 'just being a 5/6 year old' or if there is a deeper 'problem'.

There is a range of behaviours which are all quite normal at 3. Does she seem unlike her peers to you? Do you think that her behaviour is extreme enough for you to think that she has some special needs? If so, then take her back to the doctor and ask for referral to a Developmental Paediatrician.

However, please don't self-diagnose ODD...it really is not something to be taken lightly.

You could try and do an ABC diary. That's 'A' for antecedant...what happened before the challenging behaviour. 'B' behaviour...what happened? 'C' Consequence - what happened after - what did you do, what did she do, how did she calm down?

You might find a pattern. For example, with my 3 year old, the vast majority of her tantrums are because we have run out of time and I've tried to do something for her instead of letting her do it herself. The other thing that really pushes her buttons are seams being twisted and waist-bands being too high on her tummy.

One other thing which can work quite well, is to give your DD 2 choices, both of which are acceptable to you. She is still in control, but whatever she chooses, you will be happy.

Have a look at the hand in hand parenting website [www.handinhandparenting.org]
It is a really different approach but it will help you enjoy your daughters company again. I just started a course with them , I've heard people describe them as life changing. There's plenty of free articles on the website though which will give you ideas about how to make changes

Hi, what time does she go to bed at night and es she sleep well? I've got 3 dc and when they are tired they are a nightmare! I haven't read all the above comments so sorry if I'm repeating x

Poor you, my DD is almost 4 and we've had some challenging times I tell you! I do think 3 is an extremely challenging age and if you couple that with a child who is very strong-willed then it's enough to drive you to drink sometimes isn't it?

Is she starting school next year? That's probably good that she's got a whole other yr in nursery. Have you actually been to see your GP, maybe you would benefit from a paed referral? Some of what you say resonates with my own experience of my DD but some of what you say sounds more extreme than what I've been through.

I see others have suggested Omega 3. There's absolutely no harm in trying some children's supplements, I think Bassetts do chewable vitamins plus omega 3, my DD liked those. How is her diet overall? Is she sleeping well, my DD is horrible when she's tired. I mean kids just can't express what's wrong can they, if they're tired or eating poorly - it just erupts as bad behaviour!