Dm always interjecting...

[Tinkerisdead]

Not a thread about a thread but the mil undermining punishment made me realise my mum is constantly interjecting when i'm dealing with my 3yr old dd1.

The examples are all pretty petty but cumulatively they make dd confused as to who she's answering to and fundamentally makes me feel undermined. i've bitten my
tongue so far but now she does it with my bro's gf and her child who we've met once.

Examples:
Dd is frightened to sleep alone and we're having big bedtime battles. Dm keeps pushing to have dd sleepover but then dd cries at night saying she doesnt want to sleep at nanny's and promise i wont make her. Then i tell dm not to mention it as its too much pressure on her whilst she's struggling with staying in her own bed. Then dm will start all over again asking her to stay or threatening that she cant if she's naughty.

On holiday, dd1 and bro's gf child squabbling. Gf and i tell them they each have the same toy and no need to snatch each others etc. dm jumping in to my dd saying here you have another one so you have two and she has one.

Dd gets dressed in a particular order each day. Dm was staying and insisted on dressing dd who wants to do it herself. Forces a top over her head and dd starts to cry as she wants trousers first. I say 'ok its nothing to cry over' whip the top off and hand her trousers. Dm starts ranting 'oh please!! Who's the boss here, no wonder you have problems!' (we only have sleep issues)' but i really thought i was averting a tantrum.

Theres other stuff like if we eat at dm's i ask dd to request permission to leave the table but got shouted at 'ignore her, forget what she's doing, focus on your own dinner!' and worst of all my cousin and i once had a joke and my mum burst in and hit me up the head in front of dd.

It all sounds pathetic when i write it down, is it?

Hi, I've only ever lurked before but had to reply as I have similar problems with ILs. It's like they don't trust us to parent our DCs. We were undermined about everything to start with, sleeping, feeding, crying.... Each thing individually is not the problem but altogether it is as you said, an attempt to still 'parent' you. yes I have felt a bit OTT but both DP and I have learned to take a firm stance on EVERYTHING we get comments about. It is working, slowly....I read somewhere that GPs are often 20-30 years out of date ( obv Huge variation here) and certainly children haven't changed but what is known about their development and therefore how we treat them has moved on loads (like everything really!). You don't need to explain yourself, you parent the way you want to! Good luck, know it is so hard!

Thank you for coming out of the shadows to post

theres often the usual standard digs, why arent they weaned at four months etc but its the constant chipping in. As a reward for sleeping in her own bed dd has been having chapters of an enid blyton book. Dd got overwrought and stroppy so i calmly told her if she couldnt behave nicely like a big girl then she wouldnt have a big girl story later. My mum straight away chimes in with 'i'm sure mummy will be putting you on the naughty step in a minute'. Then i'm stuck arent i because i need to be consistent and suddenly theres another punishment chucked in the mix.

Doctor I think you need to sit down with your mother and have a serious chat. It's not pathetic - parenting is made up of a million billion tiny moments and decisions and when someone steps in and tries to undo (consciously or not) the hours and days and weeks of patient effort you have consistently put in then you can really feel like you're totally wasting your time and as you say, your DD is getting mixed messages.

In all the above examples I think you did the right thing. But I think you should be more forthright about telling your mother she's wrong. For example with the 'I'm sure mummy will be putting you on the naughty step in a minute' comment you can simply reply - "no, we don't have a naughty step, one punishment is enough". Do not hesitate to let your daughter know that it's your house, your rules. If your mother continues to interfere too much, bar her from visiting until she can behave herself.

And if your mother really hit you around the head in front of your DD I would have that chat extremely urgently indeed. Totally, but totally, unacceptable under any circumstances. To see one adult hitting another is very bad.

If I were in your shoes I would not hesitate AT ALL to put dm back in her place in front of your dd. You need to be a rock for your dd and she needs to know that your decisions are not going to be overruled.

Every time she mentions a sleep-over, say "dd isn't ready to come for a sleep-over yet"
If she gives your dd an extra toy when you've told her she can have one, take it away and say "no, I've told her she can have ONE'"
If she asks who the boss is when getting dressed, say "I am, and I have decided that dd can dress herself"
If she tells you to ignore dd at the dinner table, say "no, it's important that she learns table manners"

These look quite harsh written down but you can vary your tone depending on how (un)friendly you want to be about it!

So far i've hesitantly said 'mummy says..'

The hitting thing i did say something. I cried saying 'please dont hit me in front of my child' but i should have been saying dont hit me, full stop, shouldnt i?

I cant sit her down and lay down the law as i'm sure it'll turn into mud slinging on her part. I suppose i need ways of cutting her off in her comments but without 'talking through' dd but maybe i should. Maybe it does need to be more 'no you wont go on the naughty step i've told you its no story'. Its like she's desperate to step in and take over and do a better job.

I do get sidelined a lot when she visits. If i said for instance 'look a hot air balloon' dm would be saying 'forget the silly balloon come and play shops with nanny'.

God its all so ridiculous but she makes me feel like dd is a sibling when im with dm. And there was an awful moment in hospital when having dd2 where dd1 just turned and blanked me ( i was really ill) and they laughed about it.

I second everyone saying that you need to say your rules firmly, publicly, calmly - spell it out for the thickies as they say, your DM might eventually get the message (!) and it will be better for your DD to know who exactly is in charge (thats you!! :) ) theres certainly no point letting any comments go and leaving the situation as ambiguous or tense. I do that, say "no, thats fine, I've already told him" type of instant comments back to other adults who might butt in, and don't care who thinks I might be a bit controlling!! my DS is in no doubt that I'm the boss and that even his beloved grandmother is secondary..... it takes a while, but people do take a step back if you take hold of the situation in a firm but calm manner. deep breath and carry on....