Please advise me on how to help my nearly 11year old daughter..

[anniebear]

I really don't know what to do about her inability to be able to answer people She can go to church and somebody asks her how she is, she doesn't answer, it is very embarrassing.

She can even do it to close family who she knows well. I have to sometimes tell her to even say hello

It is becoming a problem at school as she won't answer the teacher when she is asked a question, she tells me she is scared that she won't get it right.

She is an intelligent child with very high scores in literacy until it came to the speaking and listening results, and she got such a low score . We were both shocked

I'm guessing some of it is self esteem, she doesn't like being on stage in school, although she has played the piano at concerts there. She goes bright read if she gets asked a question in front of people. It doesn't sound much but it is really awful at times and she is going to high school in sep and I don't want her work to suffer

She has friends, will go and pay in shops, ask how much things are in shops, it's very strange. I don't have a lot f self esteem but have tried to teacher to be assertive, but it's not hapening

I even thought could she do with some sort of classes, seeing somebody, I really haven't a clue were to start, she is often told we love her and how clever she is etc etc I just don't know what to do, her teacher didn't know what to suggest other than she is going to have to make an effort and force herself to answer more..can anyone advise, thanks

try youngminds.org, they were v helpful re dd's anxiety

My eldest son is like this. He is 8. His younger brother is the complete opposite and will talk to anyone so I guess it's just down to personality. I can sympathise with him cos I was the same at school. I dont know how to give him more self-confidence in front of an audience.

So am watching this thread with interest!

Don't make a big thing about it. She will do it in her own time. I was the same and I hated my school reports that always said 'exotic would get more out of the lesson if she took a more active part' as if I was supposed think 'oh yes-why didn't I think of that-I'll start joining in discussions tomorrow'!
I would have utterly hated to go to classes or seen someone-enough to turn me completely mute!
She has friends, she will ask for things in shops so it will come. I join in discussions now, initiate conversations and will ask questions in a crowded meeting. As a teacher I talked in front of anyone. Just relax, don't shelter but don't push-gently encourage.

thanks everyone. Its just a shame its affecting her marks in school.

And totally embarrassing when she cant even reply to people. They look at me strangely, wondering why she hasnt answered a simple how are you question :( its weird as she isnt very shy, can be really outgoing and VERy loud lol, she is one of the loudest in her class!!!

My mother was terrifically embarrassed and she was baffled because I was a really noisy, bossy boots at home!
I had this problem with my DSs teachers at school, he was similar, and they just don't understand. It was utter joy one year to get a Geography teacher who had been exactly the same as a child.(she grew out of it too).

Dd1 is nearly 12 and she has been similar, except she loves performing on stage.
Even when I got her to answer someone she had about a year of sayign "hel-lo" with a sort of sigh that sounded like it was an effort to answer. She's better now, in that she says "hello", but she won't approach people, and often her answers sound very dismissive of the person. (eg. "You helped your sister nicely" answer "she'd have moaned if I hadn't")

I usually pull her aside and tell her better responses, and also if I suspect she's going to get comments on a particular thing then I'll suggest responses beforhand. (eg after her last performance I told her that if she was praised not to say "it was boring" (or similar, because she tries to play praise down) but just to say "thank you")

It sounds like selective mutism you could ask for a referral to a speech therapist from your GP.It is down to anxiety and there are strategies that school and home could use to help.

It isn't selective mutism and as the DC the last thing I wanted were strategies and a speech therapist! We already know she has friends, can speak and is perfectly normal at home. She needs time.

Children with selective mutism can speak and speak perfectly normally in some situations but are unable to in others because of anxiety. They have friends and most likely at home with family there is no inkling of a problem. Speech therapists can provide specialist therapy to help a child overcome their difficulties. My own son was unable to speak in school less than a year ago thanks to specialist input he now speaks normally in school to friends and teachers alike.Time could mean a child improves without input but there is also the possibility that the problem will grow and where and to whom a child speaks narrows even further.

I am going by the fact that she sounds extremely like me at that age and not like the 2 selective mutes that I have taught. If my mother had put emphasis on it and got specialist help It would have spoilt our relationship. I had improved enough by 18 to become a teacher but I was probably about 24 before I was completely comfortable talking to anyone. It took time and the best thing was to treat as completely normal, neither push or shelter just gently encourage without drawing attention to it.

How is her hearing? I was the same as a child but I had chronic glue ear and was never quite sure what people had said and was always bothered about mis hearing/mis lipreading and saying something deeply inappropriate that I preferred to say nothing. Years later I talk too much so nobody else can get a word in and there isn't anything I can mishear.

My own child wanted to be able to speak, he found it stressful and embarrassing having to communicate by notes. The places where he couldn't speak were growing and the number of people who he could speak to were shrinking we were worried that eventually he wouldn't speak at all. The speech therapist only spoke with his teachers and us he didn't need direct therapy it drew less attention than his need to write notes did tbh.I would always advise to seek advice ds struggled for far too long before he got the input he needed if I'm honest.