I need help

[clmjmb2012]

My son is 7 and out of crontrol. I am depressed and not coping at all. I need help before I lose him

Can you elaborate a bit?

In what way? At school or home or both?

He is violent, bad tempered, bullies other kids, I have just two hours ago had a dad at my door fuming because my son has punched his 6 yr old daughter in the stomach, he threatened my partner and said he would ring the police. I have asked school for help but I am not having a meeting with them till next week. I feel like my partner will walk any time soon and I wouldnt blame him and I dont like where my boy is heading. My brother is serving life in prison and until he ended up there mine and my parents lives where hell for years. I cant go through all that again

I cant get him to tell me the truth about anything so I find it hard to believe anything he tells me. I have sent him to his room after the incident this evening and he refused to go. I literally am losing my son and I don't know what to do

Ok. I've not got any experience with this sort of thing but don't want to leave you hanging. When exactly is the meeting with school? If it's later in the week perhaps you could phone the school on monday morning and get it moved.

i'm assuming your partner is DS's dad? Can he go to the meeting with you?

Your DS is not your brother. He's only 7 so plenty of time to get him back on the right track with support from school.

Hopefully someone more experienced will be along soon to offer further advice.

Also if you feel you're not coping have you considered going to your gp and explaining how you feel? They should be able to help you which will in turn help your son.

Meeting is 3pm on tuesday. I am literally crying on a daily basis. My son's biological father left me when I was 5 months pregant and hasn't been in touch since. I have been with my partner for 5 mnths and although to an onlooker that may seem very quick it has all be done so my son has felt comfortable at every stage. he is the first and only man I have trusted enough into our lives since the day my sons father left and I wouldnt bring another man into our lives if my partner leaves. He assures me he isnt going anywhere but the amount of crap for want of a better word he has taken is enough to push a saint. my son used to be happy polite and well mannered but in the last 12 months he has changed and i am scared. he is tall and strong and he could easily knock me out which I know sounds dramatic but Ive already had a few punches off him

Sorry to drip feed answers...I keep thinking of more points to make!

When did his behaviour start? Has it escalated recently or at a particular point? Possibly he may be acting out due to another problem or incident. If so i'd guess you'd need to deal with that and his behaviour now in tandem.

X posted.

Ok...did something happen 12 months ago? any upheaval or anything?

Tuesday at 3pm isn't too bad but i'd still try ringing the school to see if you can go in earlier.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this upset....definitely worth a gp visit.

And an un-mumsnetty (((hug))) for you x

nothing. we have lived here 3 years in december and he always seemed to get on with the other kids around here. ok they are more street wise and such but he has turned into a vicous little boy and i dont know him anymore. I cant pinpoint a single point which I could say this is where he changed but he has and I cant do it anymore

I can't begin to imagine raising a boy on my own.
They do need role models at that age and I understand you are reluctant to ask more involvement from your partner. You don't want to scare him off.

Any male friends that could help? taking him out for an ice cream or a run/sports/swim to talk things through?
Someone that will pass on a bit of "male wisdom", to show that tough is not cool but dangerous?

You say other kids are more street wise, maybe he is trying to blend in and the model he has is not what you want for him. If that's the case then you need to be more involved and find sporty activities for him to do EVERYDAY. He need something to latch on and it must be a good crowd to associate with.
He has no father so I think its important for him to be part of the pack, you really need to do some extra work NOW to get him into the right crowd to see him through that fragile phase when he turns into an early teen.

Sending you lots of hugs. You've gone this far on your own. Hang on.
HE IS NOT YOUR BROTHER AND DO NOT EVER LET HIM CASUALLY ASSUME YOU THINK LIKE THAT. NOT EVER. LABELLING CAN BE SELF FULFILLING.
Think positive thoughts and continue to be firm with boundaries.

How does your partner get on with your son on a day to day basis? Does he play with him? take an interest in his school work and life in general? Does your son get on with him?

Perhaps your son is acting up to get your attention because he's jealous of your new partner? It's just a thought, but children can react quite badly to step-parents, no matter how nice they are. Perhaps he feels jealous another man is around and 'taking you away'. It sounds like he's really, really angry and just doesn't know how to process that anger. I'm sure you're not, but don't imply to him that he's like your brother or that he's going to drive your partner away. That will only make him feel worse, and act worse.

I can only begin to imagine how awful this is for you but I think, like the other posters have said, you need to get to the route of why he's so unhappy. Could you ask your GP about child counselling? Good luck.

I hope you come back OP...nobody judges any parent with a child having a bad phase...it's HARD looking after DC even with two parents invlolved!

thankyou for all of the responses.

My partner and son get on amazingly well. My partner works 12 hour night shifts and has 4 hours travelling time per day and works on average 5 nights per week yet he will always set time aside for my son and praise him for doing things well.

My son has become aware in the last few months where his uncle actually lives and although he doesn't fully understand why his uncle is there he knows it is because he was very very naughty and is being punished.

I want to be able to get him involved in karate clubs boxing etc but I was made redundant in April and have been out of work since so money is exremely tight right now.

My mum has been and taken his uniform and clothes etc and she is concerned about me and feels I need a break so is having my son for a few days, I feel lost without him yet I don't know how to handle him when he is with me.

My partner came home from work this morning and said he has had enough, which worries me as he has only had this for a matter of months and I have been a parent for 7 years.

I feel like I am losing them both and I don't know what to do.

Iam rambling now but its like once I start opening up it all comes flying out, I just want my little boy back. :(

Firstly....make sure your son speaks to you daily and that you let him think this is just a nice trip to Grannies...not a case of you having had enough of him.

Next...you don't need to pay for Karate and things...Beavers is VERY cheap...enquire locally about Beavers and see if they have a waiting list. If you want, you can PM me your town and I will PM you the details you need to get him in or on the waiting list.

It sounds rather like your son could be testing the family situation he finds himself in...he may be worried that your partner will leave...mixed up with some resentment about him "raplacing" him in your eyes...kids have funny ways of seeing things...a boy this age may think you dont need him anymore.

I would try giving your DS some jobs that ar his alone and when he does them, praise him a lot...let him know how much he helps you and how much you love him.
You seem afraid that your DP may leave because of DS and DS may be sensing this...a family hobby may help...something you all do togther..

COuld you enquire locally about an allotment? This may seem a funny suggestion but gardening...planting vegetables and things is excellent for kids this age...it enables them to see the fruits of their labour and will allow your son with your help and that of your DP...to contribute to the household.

We grow veg in the garden and it's a cheap hobby which helps us too...we love fresh veg.

Great post from kiss.

If you allow me the intrusion, i'd like to sY a word about your relationship.

I have to add that you must make it clear to your DP that you can't really opt out of a relationship with your child and that his comments just add pressure and are not at all helpful.
Maybe you are not prepared to have this conversation with him but you should have it with yourself and work what how far you are ready to compromise and on what.
Your partner can chose not to be involved but then he can't moan that he's had enough.
Am not making any judgement on his person here, just acknowledging the fact that he might be unconsciously pressuring you into taking sides.

Am sorry to be so blunt. I can see how things are very difficult for you right now, but you do not need to burden yourself with more childish antics right now.

Has your son been to the GP himself? You might want to start by ruling out any medical causes. And perhaps your GP can refer you to appropriate resources.

There are probably a couple of things you should be looking at:

a) (as brdgrl says) have him checked over to rule out any medical cause

b) have a word with the school- could he be struggling in the classroom? could there be bullying?

c) consider whether the fact that he is now old enough to understand what has happened to his uncle could have an effect on him
(with children things don't necessarily hit them when they first happen; often it's when they become old enough to understand; this could be something he needs counselling about)

d) d:o re his dad/stepdad
(sometimes we try to hide the real cause for upset from ourselves because it seems so unfair that a situation we have handled so sensitively and considerately should still upset the child. But it can happen, it's not necessarily anybody's fault; even something joyful and wonderful like the arrival of a much wanted sibling can throw a child however hard the parents work at not letting him feel displaced)

e) could the money situation be putting strain on the family that he is reacting to?

oh and f) could it be that he actually has a bit more freedom playing out etc than he can actually handle?

i guess we have just open a can of worms!

OP? How are you?
Hope the few days with grand patents gave you both some space.
What do your parents say?
How is your DS around them? Can they talk to him about your brother maybe? Maybe he just has a lot of questions and needs to re-assured that your brothers path is not a fatality!
My DC (4&8) always ask "how do people become baddies" its no easy answer of course but dint actually expect one iykwim? These concersations are usually just about reassurance.

I have an extremely anxious DS and agression is often nothing but an expression of that.
We have learned over the last 2 years to turn anxiety into discussion rather than passive agressive behaviour.
It requires a lot of effort on your part but You will get there in the end. At 6 he just needs that little bit extea maturity for meaningfull discussion.
In the meantime be consistant with expressing unconditional love and maintaining strict boundaries.