Negative and miserable DS....

[citylovernow]

Hi everyone,

I have 2 ds aged 11 and 9 and a dd aged 6. Since he was quite little, I have found my ds2 really difficult. He is very emotional, possibly quite immature, and most of the time he seems to be unhappy. He cries about 5 or 6 times every day. My other 2 dcs are usually happy - they can be grumpy or upset at times like all dcs but nothing like the misery ds seems to experience.

I'll try to summarise and give examples. He has a very strong character and always tries to control everyone else in the family. He sometimes appears obviously happy if he is being bought something he wants. Usually, he complains a lot about everything we do, even if it's something nice which is supposed to be a treat. Even when he is positive about something, something will disappoint him about it and he'll start complaining and often fly into a long, angry rage. He gets along ok with ds1 (with a normal amount of sibling squabbles) but cannot stand dd. The level of jealousy/hatred he seems to feel for her is very worrying to me. He is very mean to her, never kind to her - I would say he bullies her.

It's school holidays now (we're in Scotland) and it's so hard to get through the days with him. DS1 has been away at a summer camp this week, and I've been trying to do nice things with the other 2, but (I realise this sounds terrible) DS2 has wrecked everything we have done. Today we went to cafe for lunch - supposedly a treat - but he decided he wouldn't like it before we even got there. He moaned all the way there then had a big scene once inside about dd sitting next to him (it was a small place so everyone heard). Afterwards he asked if we could go to the model shop so he could buy something with his pocket money, which he earns for good behaviour. DD didn't really want to but didn't complain. When we got there he didn't want any of the model planes he could afford and had another big scene when I said he would need to save up for longer to get the bigger models. In the end he bought a small one but is now having a fit in his room because "it looks so small and tomorrow I'm taking it back to the shop and demanding my money back!"

This is typical of almost every day. It's so hard to enjoy being with him, which sounds awful.

Thanks for reading - any advice really really welcome.

Can I suggest www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Your-Temper-Flares/dp/1433801345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342197003&sr=8-1 and also www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507/ref=pd_sim_b_5

I like these as they talk us through it as well as our dcs. They are based on CBT methods and have some really valuable tools.

We have the anxiety and dread your bed one - the dread your bed one is ace.

Also make a list of all the good/nice/non-confrontational/perfectly average things he has done. Always a wise move, to ensure there is no scape goating going on. As in a label sticking to him. I don't mean that to be rude, but I do think it is easily done and children will often act as they are expected to imo. Also watch out for siblings manipulating events (perhaps even without knowing it) so that he is the one who takes the wrap for events they were also involved in.

I have a bit of a grumble weed in one of mine and it can sap you dry somedays - my sympathies.

Beyond that - have you spoken to teachers/family/friends after playdates? COuld there be any special needs that are below radar but becoming more obvious now he is getting bigger and older and developing?

Sorry!
www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Grumble-Much/dp/1591474507/ref=pd_sim_b_5

And the other link isthe anger one, there are a few in the range.

I wouldn't have offered to take him to three model shop if he'd ruined your lunch. Does he have any consequences for bad behaviour ?

Thanks so much for replying. I will look at those links now.

ilovemountains I considered not taking him to the shop but when he asked he had been sitting nicely for a while and eating. I try to move on quickly from his outbursts - there are so many that he would be getting consequences all day long. But yes, he does get consequences for behaviour when I think it's necessary - he was mean to dd in the shop, then she wanted to go to the park afterwards so I kept his new plane until after the park, telling him I needed to see kinder behaviour first. He did get it after that.

treedelivery I like the idea of keeping track of all the nice things he does and will definitely do that. In the park he was very sweet to a toddler who wanted to get on the swinging thing he was making go really high - he stopped it so they boy could get on then made in go slowly for him. DD is not an angel and can be annoying but he really does pick on her and has almost no tolerance of her. This morning she was simply eating cereal when ds appeared and immediately started on her about how he bet she'd had her hands in the cereal packet and now there was nothing he could eat and she was stupid etc. She didn't do anything to deserve that and I sent him to his room.

Books look good, if I could get him onboard. Previous chats about how to help him control emotions etc have not gone well. He blames everyone else, he is always right and everyone else is always wrong. He denies things we know he has done, and can argue very well with long and complicated reasoning.

I don't think he has any special needs. His teachers are frustrated though because he seems to be very bright but frequently opts out of activities and will make minimum effort if he's not interested, which is often. He could do a lot better than he is doing at school.

I feel like I have very little influence - I mean that he does things if and when he wants to.