My boys don't seem to listen until I'm literally SCREAMING at them!!!

[fairyteapot]

3 DS - aged 6, 5 and 3. Gorgeous, of course, BUT - they just don't seem to listen to me when i'm asking them to do things unless and until I start to turn up the temperature. I try softly softly, firm but fair, patient etc and then just lose it and start screeching (which I hate myself for) but then it's like something clicks with them and they think 'right ho, we'd better do what mummy says now as she's shouting'. Feel like its getting into a negative pattern. How can i get them to listen without them ignoring me until I shout??

You could try putting consequences in place for not doing the thing you have asked them to do. Stop the shouting and sit down with them and tell them that from now on you will ask them twice to do something, if they do not do the thing there will be a consequence and then name the consequence (whatever you feel is appropriate to the situation ie: loss of tv time or something else that bothers them), then STICK to your consequences.
Then start catching them being good. Try and concentrate on the good behaviour. Every time you see them behaving well you point it out to them and be specific. So for example you would say "Oh DS, I see you are playing really nicely there with your brother, that is really kind" and not just "good boy". So you name the behaviour and praise it instead of a general praising of the child.

When you find out let me know...

I have a 3yo DS and, while I love him more than life itself, I swear that the day he turned 3 his ears stopped working. It is so frustrating.

However, threatening to take specific toys away for a holiday overnight on a High Shelf works quite well, as does the threat of the withdrawal of telly (although actually doing it is rather cutting off my nose to spite my face and causes screaming).

How can a boy switch between wailing loudly one minute and completely ignoring me the next?

Dunno how you do it with three, though, sorry.

Oh and when you are asking them to do the thing you want them to do, make sure you have their attention and eye contact, try and be down at their level iykwim?

Someone once told me that the easiest way to get your children's attention is to make yourself comfy on the sofa with a book and a cup of tea
Not particularly helpful when you need everyone out of the house within 5 minutes though...

This book has changed my parenting life. I shout about 90 % less.

www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342124990&sr=8-1

I promise I am not on commission. Best £9 I have spent in a long time.

Great thanks all good advice - will try the 'consequences' idea Farely Knuts - will get thinking cap on. I need to take control though that's for sure. Lord knows what the neighbours think when they hear me losing it! I can't go on like this for the next 10 years

Make sure they are looking at you and get down to their level.

It sounds like they don't take you seriously until you are shouting. Make yourself not shout tomorrow but put consequences in place whilst still calm. Perhaps if you do this frequently they will learn that the "listen to mummy time!" comes before any shouting.

If you explain them beforehand AND follow through on them consistently fairy I promise you that it works.

But the one that actually works best is the catching them being good stuff, they LOVE praise and will seek it and model it for attention and even if you feel like a bit of a muppet with all the "well done for putting away the book like I bloody asked you to" constantly, it does encourage the good behaviour and lessen the need to shout :)

strikeout fail

We had the same problem with DS (4.3) which bece a huge issue for me when DD came along and my patience levels dropped. I use the macaroni jar thing but we've labelled it the 1st time jar. DS gets a macaroni into the jar when he does something the first time I ask. If it doesn't happen I ask again in normal voice and warn him that a macaroni will be taken out if I have to ask a third time. This is usually enough to get him moving. He gets 2 macaroni when he behaves well or does something without being asked (like clearing his plate after breakfast). He knows he'll get a reward when the jar is full. It's a good combination of consequences and bribery and means I'm feeling better about doing some positive praise in amongst the negativity.

(Ladybee...does the macaroni jar work for spouses do you know? )

The pushka household is affected by selective deafness from time to time - also young boys 4 & 5 (total dreamers at times). The consequences thing works really well for us. is usually goes along the lines of

"Pushikidski, this will be the second time i have asked you to put your shoes on. If you do not do it and I have to ask you again, you will not be allowed to {insert v.v. important thing to child eg...play on your DS for a day/play on your bike tonight...or whatever}and you still have to do it..It is your choice, you choose"

When he does it (or does things noticeably first time) he gets a sticker... and if he gets 5 stickers he gets a kids tattoo on his feet(i know,..I am such a semi-rebel! - or gets tattoo immediately if it is a super brilliant thing
If he does not do whatever is, consequences are followed through, and there is no negotiation on that for us at all. Having racked up three consecutive (rainy)days with no DS and an evening of watching brother play on his bike, the penny dropped.

The shouty thing is rare now...and I like that

Hope this thread gives you loads of ideas, good luck!

I just shout, consequences seem far too complicated, my DDs would either resent them mightily or wiggle out of them.

And no the equivalent of macaroni jars don't work for DHs they end up in negative equity.

i have 5 children who have very loud voices so i have no chance of being heard over them if they are at full volume!.

If i want them to listen i get into the middle of themand very quietly almostwhispering start talking to them. They always want to know what i am sayign so they stop screaming and listen so that they can hear me.no idea if this is just my children but if i talke quietly they immediatly lower the volume and listen and once they are listening they are more likely to do what i ask.

So if you see a crazy whispering womam surrounded by screaming children in tesco one day - thats me.

Oh and if they dont listen we have a traffic light system - i stole the idea from the nursery they go to.

I was just about to sympathise with the OP: but 5dcs, could you tell us what the traffic light system is? My 1-2-3 method is getting mixed results...
(1 - asking, 2 - telling, 3 - enforcing.. but half the time I'm on 3 trying to do the equivalent of stuffing an octopus into a sock with a wriggling toddler intent on darting the other way)
Sorry for the hijack!