Feeling a bit emotional and hormonal about this ....

[Ghosty]

Hello everyone ...
I just wanted to share an incident with you that knocked me for six yesterday and left me in tears all evening and dreading the future ...
My DS had a 'do' at kindergarten yesterday. A 'bring your own fish 'n chips' social evening to see out the end of term and to watch a few songs that the children had been practising. I wasn't expecting DS (turned 4 last week) to take part in the singing as he is normally really shy and sensitive but when he went to sit with the other children to perform I was as proud as punch.
The first three songs were fine ... I was choked ... DS was in the front row and singing his heart out, watching me watch him and smiling away ... he was just fab ....
Then it all went pear shaped. The curtain closed ... when it opened again one of the teachers was putting DS at the back (due to a couple of children having to wear masks in the front) and I could tell DS wasn't happy ... they sang a song ... he hung his head and wouldn't take part ...
It was like watching a small volcano erupt ... he got redder and redder and redder until eventually into the 5th song ... (his favourite - going on a bear hunt) he opened his mouth wide ... and howled a blood curdling howl ... he was purple in the face, his mouth was square and tears were flying vertically out of his eyes ....
Totally ruined the song for all the parents and all the children ... I had to step in when the teachers could do nothing to stem the flow. It was awful.
I tried to comfort him but was struggling with my own feelings ... disappointment FOR him that he had been shoved at the back when he had been doing so well ... disappointment IN him for spoiling it for everyone ... feeling excrutiatingly embarrassed that it was MY son out of 40 odd kids that had to do that ... (not to mention the fact that I had to put my hugely pregnant body in the way of everyone's view of their darlings to rescue my angel) ... Anger towards the teachers for putting my little petal out of the limelight ...

He was devastated, I was devastated ...
When we got home and after he went to bed I cried all evening about it ... about the injustice of it ... about his disappointment ... about how can I protect him from disappointment like that again ...

DH (who didn't come to the event) said I was over reacting and being hormonal and that I had to get over it and that DS had to learn that 'that's life' ... and if I couldn't get a grip on a few little songs at kindy then how was I going to cope when he was doing bigger stuff???

He is right in a way ... but that didn't stop me feeling heartbroken for DS ...

Sorry for the ramble ... any pearls of wisdom???
Love, Ghosty ... (still feeling )

Don't quite understand why he was put at the back? Was it part of the show and were other kids moved round too?
If it was only him I'd have been furious. Did his teacher give any reason for the move?

Poor little mite!

It does sound though that you are in the perfect position to emphasise with him while giving him a huge cuddle. I think kids do need to hear that you know it must have been really upsetting and disappointing for them (without sticking the "but" on the end of the sentence like it's so easy to do ) - far better than telling them "tough kid, that's life!" which pisses me off when someone tells me that, let alone how it would annoy a 4 year old

I don't think you can protect them from it though, I'm afraid

Thanks you guys .... I am glad that you don't think I over reacted too much ...
I found out from DS this morning which teacher it was that put him at the back (I didn't ask ... he just came out with it - I didn't want to bring it up) ... and all I could think was "Bloody cow ... at least she's leaving at the end of term and we won't have to worry about her again ... never did like her anyway" ....
I think the thing was that DS was not told why he had to move (he had to make room for the ones with the masks on) ... and I don't know about you but I have always given him a reason for my actions (even when he is being told off) - can't bear this "Because I said so" crap that some grown ups go for ...
So, because he didn't know why he was moved he thought he was in trouble (he hates being told off .... )
This teacher ... I AM glad she is leaving ... so there!

I really feel for you and for your son. My daughter's only 14 months but already I can't bear it if she suffers disappointments and truly dread an event like the one you described. I think you're completely right that he should have been told that he had to move to the back and why he had to move. The teacher who did it was very unfeeling and your son is clearly sensitive. It's very sad. Is he over it?

We had DD2's nursery performance yesterday and they did a similar thing - ie the nativity story, then interval followed by songs sang by the children.

They do shuffle the children around mid-performance so that the ones at the back get the opportunity to be seen at the front - so by the end of the performance all parents have seen their child. Performance is videoed as well for parents to buy.

In comparison to DS1 performance at school in Key Stage I, DD2s worked well. I only saw DS1 as he was leaving the stage as he was positioned near the back the whole time

Oooooh I would be FURIOUS with the nursery! After all his hard work to treat your ds like a piece of unthinking furniture. Oh it makes me angry just reading that. How can someone who is supposed to be helping a child and preparing him for the big scarey world treat him like that?

Sorry. I'm sure my anger doesn't help you.

Poor thing, if he thought he was in trouble. Did you let him know that you recognise his disappointment and upset? He did so very well. I remember my ds's first Xmas concert last year, when I was overwhelmingly proud of him that he just sat in his seat and didn't make any fuss. I hope that this year I'll be proud of him for actually singing .

Ghosty, at kindy age they really should have practised it a few times so all the kids had a rough idea of what would happen when - really bad management and bad psychology to suddenly drag a happy kid from the front without warning.

Hugs for you and DS. Have you told him how proud you were and how much you enjoyed his singing when he was at the front? I think if you can just say that you were sorry to see how upset he was by what happened afterwards, but not go into it or talk about it much, he will get over it quite soon. Poor little chap

Your DH is right in a way, these things do happen and you can't protect them from every disappointment; when you are upset and disappointed yourself it's hard to be calm and philosophical (extra hard when pg too!) but it would be good for him (DS, not DH!) if you could come up with some coping strategies and "oh-well-never-mind" things to say. (Easier said than done though...)

Hugs Ghosty {{{}}}.

No good advice I'm afraid apart from telling your DS how proud you were of him singing but I don't know how much impact this will make on him after he has been so upset.

Just wanted you to know that your post brought tears to my eyes, the poor we soul.

Hi Ghosty i hope you are feeling a bit betterI didn't think you were over reacting in the first place! My dd is 2.8 and i dread any moments like these! When i read that he hadn't even been told why he was to move though i felt VERY angry on your behalf! I,like you, explain everything to my two year old and it was ridiculous that the kids weren't informed of what was going to happen! Anyway, i hope you're feeling better and that your son can remember the happy atrt of that rather than the sad finish!+++++++

Ghosty,
Totally understand and symathise - your poor little boy. It's no wonder he was upset. I'm sooo glad for ds AND you that that cow of a woman is leaving soon.
I'd be really tempted to tell my ds that I was watching and he didn't do anything wrong, and that it's just a nasty teacher who shouldn't have done it without telling him why.
And then I'd go and have a word with her and tell her I was very unhappy with her lack of sensitivity towards ds, and how much it upset him to make her feel guilty.
This is probably not the best way to deal with things though...!
Hugs {{{}}}
I know this is probably

Sorry, unneccessary little add-on at the end there!

Ghosty, haven't been on for a while and I just saw this! I would have been just as upset as you and I am not hormonal (right now) and then hearing your husbands' view on top of that probably only made things worse. (my husband would have said the same thing by the way) WE all know that life isn't fair and that we will need to cope with anger and disappointment.
Unfortunately, if your son was shy to begin with, and then gets placed at the back of the stage thinking he has done something wrong--I am not sure what his response will be to participating in the next show!! I know that everyone says children are so resiliant, but I believe they remember quite a bit. If you have the courage to speak with this creepy teacher, I would speak with her and tell her what has happened and how your son felt. Then I would ask her (with you present) to explain to your son that he is the very best singer. She can say "she was so nervous" about the show going right that she placed him in the back so the kids with the masks could be in the front and she didn't make the time to explain it to him (as she should have BEFORE the show during practice). An apology for for the misunderstanding is in order here. That is a matter of manners, not whether life is fair or not! Maybe this is ridiculous to do and the damage is done, but at least the learning for your son can be that if there is a misunderstanding and someone's feelings get hurt, that you talk about it and try to resolve it using the very best of manners. There is NOTHING wrong with letting him feel and know that those who love you are your advocates in the "big" world and they are here to coach him (not necessarily make everthing fair as you and I both know). I hope you both feel better. Sending hugs across the way.