Overly Stressy "Brow Beaten" Behaviour in an Otherwise Very Confident DD

[rockinhippy]

:(

I'm at a loss with this, so I suppose I'm hoping someone is going to tell me its all very normal at this age - coming up 10 - but its getting so bad that its actually putting me off doing things with her, as I'm always left feeling like I'm some evil witch of a mother & that she is so afraid of me - I know in reality I'm not - we are quite strict, but not overly so & I'm no shouter & screamer & I've only ever given her the very odd slap on the legs or bum for behaviour dangerous to herself, can count the number of times on one hand & its never been in anger & she does't remember it anyway - her Dads pretty much the same& she's otherwise very confident both at school & socially

Good example is last night?

School fund raiser, so I let her make & ice cupcakes herself - let her use my icing tools, mixer etc & very basically talked her through recipes - ie weigh your eggs, now flour butter sugar must weight the same, I also naturally took them out of the oven for her as she wasn't confident doing that, but she put them in & I pretty much let her get on with it, but let her know I was there to help -

She did an absolutely amazing job - yet she was panicking so much she was practically in tears & shaking all through it:( - icing them had her hysterical & shaking & was so hard on her self if any icing didn't go exactly in the right spot - yelping as if she'd actually hurt herself

We often end up with this same sort of scenario if I try & teach her any arts/crafts or cooking - all strengths of mine, yes, but also strengths of hers & I have never criticised only ever encouraged & tried to teach her something

Any ideas please ??

TIA

Are you a bit of a perfectionist yourself? If so she may have picked up on your high standards and think that you might be cross with her if she messes up. Was it her idea to make the cupcakes?

I used to be a bit like this with my mum... absolutely hated her trying to show me how to do things, I always felt she was loads better than me at it all so what's the point? She was and is a perfectionist, would get cross and throw food away if the recipe went wrong etc., would never see the funny side or try and salvage it.

You know your dd best but ideas that might help... encouraging her to try things that you're not good at/interested in so she has something that she's the 'expert' in, getting her a book on something she's interested in so she can follow written instructions and not have to be 'taught', be very relaxed when she's helping you cook etc. and be prepared to help her see the funny side if something doesn't go quite right.

Agree with prev poster re trying something ur not good at so she's expert. Also maybe you standing over her telling her what to do makes her nervous-maybe let her at it and let her call you if she needs help

my dd is like this with me, she is a perfectiontist, Im most definatly not. she is always very hard on her slef and buts her best into every thing. she hates misakes and imperfections down to minor details and she would throw things away that have not worked out well, if let her. I find doing home work with her very difficult and I always used to get very upset with her for this and force her to carry on and not throw half of her work away.

I have just learned to give dd little reasuring prep talks about how to relax and enjoy what she is doing, yake regular breaks if her nervs are getting frazzled. I also praise praise praise at how well she is coping. I never tell her what she should do i ask her what she thinks she needs to do or have to complete a task and if anything she has missed out I casually mention it may be worth thinking about x y or z.

Regrdless of the outcome i tell dd Im proud of her. My dd is very controling awell and I always just found this to be an aspect of her personalitlity related to this, and attempted to put in stratogies around how not to but other people down or be so critical and allow others thier own space to do things how they want regardless if she thinks they are wrong. However I have seen that dd is actually very anxiouse in general and I never really noticed how this was affecting her. I have no idea where this anxiety stems from but I think it is about feeling safe as long as she is able to manipulate and controle her environment and she panics very quickly if something goes wrong. I think she needs to know you are there in the back ground for her, I think what you are doing sounds good enough and In no way is her temperament a direct result of anything you have done. It is just an aspect of her personality. Is she very academically able? My dd is and I have learned on MN that many parents on the G&T board recognise the same in thier own children, it may be worth looking at some of the G&T posts OP.

Thank you :)

She sort of asked - mentioned they'd not had time to do as much in school & that some of her friends were baking at home, so I asked if she wanted too & she said yes - I suggested she made cupcakes & she got really excited & bounced all the way home like a demented puppy:)

The perfectionist point is actually a very interesting one - I USED to be a perfectionist, but due to health problems kicking in not long after DD was born it was something I had to let go of - it was something I stressed a lot about & found VERY difficult at the time, but then found it was actually very liberating :) - so in short, DD has never known me to be a "perfectionist" - yet it has been said time & time again in school reports etc, that she is one too - eek its genetic!!!

The only thing that slightly smacks of it, that I have always said to DD is to always do that little bit more than you are asked to do, because it will always get you noticed in a good way, especially when she's older with work - but I always also say that trying hard is all anyone can ask & that no-one is perfect & get it right all the time, doing your best & having fun with it is always good enough for us & all anyone can expect of themselves etc.

I used to be a bit like this with my mum... absolutely hated her trying to show me how to do things, I always felt she was loads better than me at it all so what's the point? She was and is a perfectionist, would get cross and throw food away if the recipe went wrong etc., would never see the funny side or try and salvage it

Thats very interesting diy as thats pretty much the same scenario I get time & again with DD - home work can be hellish :( - she'll ask me for example to show her how to draw something - so I do & she then has a hissy fit that hers isn't good enough, as she compares it to mine - yet she is exceptionally good for her age - I've never got cross with her though - always reassure her tell her its better than mine would have been at her age etc etc - but she still goes into melt down - though she's always very proud to take it into school, she was this morning with her cupcakes too - its just the making/doing thats the stress

also with cooking she's seen me do some doozies of mistakes - fish stew & forget to add the fish - forget the butter in cakes etc - I have always salvaged things & just made a joke of it, so I suppose I'm kind of doing that anyway, but it still doesn't help

ll31 ^Also maybe you standing over her telling her what to do makes her nervous-maybe let her at it and let her call you if she needs help*

good point, something I had realised form previous cooking melt downs, so I actually left the kitchen last night, pottered around near by doing other things & popped in occasionally, but left her too it - but the yelping & the state she was getting herself into was still heartbreaking, if anything last night was worse than normal as she was left too it - in the past I try & diffuse it with reassurance, so I was really hopefully backing off completely would be the key - but she was worse - so proud of herself this morning though

& I'm a bit shafted on trying to think of anything to do with her, where she will be better at it than me - bar sport, which I've always been crap at, but now can't do for health reasons & she is very good at - she actually takes after me in a lot of ways & we share the same strengths, but of course as an adult I'm always going to have the edge IYSWIM :(

to - not too - it won't be my grammar before long -

Sorry enthusiastictroll X post

your reply has been VERY helpful - lots you say there that I can relate to, too

My dd is and I have learned on MN that many parents on the G&T board recognise the same in thier own children, it may be worth looking at some of the G&T posts OP

My DD is also on the G&T register - I just hadn't put the 2 together before

& thanks for your coping strategy tips - your pre activity pep talk is a great idea & one I will be taking on board - thanks :)

glad it helped, you could have been describing my own dd in you opening post. i try and just be as matter of fact as i can without pre empting or drawing to much focus on any possible problems, just be relaxed and let her feed off that.

Thanks - very interesting that its a G&T trait - I'd just never considered that before at all - & yes, I do stay relaxed etc on the surface, but got to admit of late I do get a feeling of complete dread at the thought of doing anything with her that will trigger these stressy melt downs

your control freakery points are interesting too - DD is okay in school - well she IS very bossy, but has a group of mostly equally bossy friends, but thankfully she's been very good at finding coping strategies & getting them all to get along, so it works out okay - at home though I'm finding myself having to have words with her more & more about her taking over things that don't concern her & it causing us problems - her latest trick being popping to our local supermarket with DH for me - I give him a list of what I need for tea - she tells him we are out of stuff & I've forgotten to put it on the list - stuff we don't need for a few days & I don't buy from that shop as the quality isn't as good etc etc

When DD freaks like that, I make a dry comment of yes mine is better but I should bloody well hope so given I've had 30 more years of practice than you! A couple of years ago she would give in at the slightest thing and go into melt down, so I tried brainwashing, rather than pretending I couldn't do something.

Generally I now get patronising comments of mine is nearly as good as yours and you've been practising for 30 years more than me, maybe you need more practice! And being patronised by a 6 yr old gives real feelings of ouch.

My other one is mistakes are good because that means you're learning something new, and you are going out of your comfort zone and extending what you can do. Not quite so sure that the teacher's gets her announcing happily that its good she's made a mistake!

I was never a perfectionist, but I had a perfectionist mother, and she drove me demented - constructive criticism apparently - never got a well done or anything - always about striving for better - 20/20 only got a 'well you should have done' and 19/20 was an interrogation about which one I got wrong. I am determined not to do to DD what my mother did to me, as in the end it sapped my confidence, and meant it was easier to stop trying. If you ask my mother, she was perfect and it was for my own good, and I was over sensitive. Obviously I'm not saying you do this - but encouraging her to always do that bit extra etc etc can be misinterpreted by a child, if they already tend to worry. They will look for the negatives, and not hear the positives properly. I was desperate to hear "well done" without any caveats - but my mother admits that she deliberately never did that to make me excel. Maybe like the others say, lots of positive feedback will be what she needs.

Good luck - and you sound lovely by the way!