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Behaviour/development

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19mth DD treats dad badly what can we do to change it? Is this common?

6 replies

LaCiccolina · 10/07/2012 09:34

Our DD is gorgeous but for some reason is very mum-centric and almost anti-dad. First thing in the morning on waking and last thing at night before bed are the worst moments. She slaps him away, screams, twists (if being held) and can be a bit violent. Frankly at times she's really hurt him or me by hitting us. Most of the rest of the time she is calm and lovely. She doesn't seem to want him near her. He's nothing but kind and patient. Often honestly he's more patient than I am. Its really getting him and therefore us down. She's also violent if we hold hands, kiss or anything icky or lovey-dovey. This I get a bit more as I realise kids don't like parents being affectionate to each other much. Im just lost as to how to help her develop a great relationship with dad better than where she is right now.

She spends most days with me as Im a SAHM presently. She plays if he lets me have a lie in and they seem to get on ok then but its very much on her terms and if she feels like it. What can we do or does anyone have similar experiences? I realise mums are best but this is getting us both down a little.

OP posts:
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GooseyLoosey · 10/07/2012 09:47

I don't think that this is unusual - it certainly happened to us. DH was the favoured parent and ds would cry for him if he was left in my arms. It broke my heart - I felt such shame that my son did not appear to love me the way he was supposed to.

There are several things I would say:

  1. It is a phase. It is not the way her relationship will always be with her father. Ds is now 9 and if he falls it is me he runs to. If he needs comfort, it is with me he seeks it. He still loves his father very much, but not more than me. Give it time.
  1. Niether your dh or you can force your dd to display affection that she does not want to. Do not make an issue of what she does. Ignore her pushing your dh away.
  1. Your dh needs to carry on offering his unconditional love so your dd is aware that he is there when she wants him. Eventually she will.
  1. Give them time together without you there. The more time the better.
  1. Understand the heart-break that this is causing him. It is one of the worst feelings I have ever had in my life.

Good luck.

LaCiccolina · 10/07/2012 10:10

Thats it exactly. He's nearly in tears sometimes. Its a rejection that really cuts him deep. Hopefully as you say its a phase. Horrid to watch it as well......

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 10/07/2012 10:17

I can almost promise that it is a phase, although it can be a fairly long one. I lasted going on for 2 years with ds. Oddly though when we were together alone, we had a fantastic relationship so I started to make a point of taking him to the park on my own etc whereas previously we would have gone as a family. There is no magic solution unfortunately, but if your dh carries on offering his love to your dd, eventually she will offer hers back.

MrGin · 10/07/2012 10:31

When I was with my XP and dd was around 18 months and younger she would get quite upset if I put her to bed or got her up, in fact I never did alone as she'd always want mummy there. So I'd read a story and mum would then take over.

it did hurt sometimes although obviously I just got on with loving and caring for dd.

They'd be other things that would happen, but I put it down to her spending so much time with mummy. She'd get jealous if I was getting attention from mum.

I think things for you will improve over time. I'm not with my dd's mum any more, but consequently I spend a fair amount of time with just me and dd. I think that and dd being 3 years old has given us a very good father / daughter relationship.

Give it time, and make sure your dc and dad are spending a decent amount of one on one time.

Nagoo · 10/07/2012 10:37

Baby goo gets left alone with dh a lot. It's helped them bond a great deal. If I am there she prefers to go to me, and will cry for me. If I'm not there she is fine with daddy.

She gets livid if we hug or kiss too. I think that's totally normal.

We've got to the point now where she is excited and does a little dance when daddy comes home. It's nice.

cory · 10/07/2012 10:42

You need thick skin to be a parent. My 12yo has just finished a phase of rejecting me and preferring his dad, now moved onto a phase of preferring me to dad, but is always happy to play the two of us off against big sister (who can never do wrong).

We just carry on as we are- loving and cheerful, I think that is what he needs and that is why he is testing us all the time- to make sure we are not going to crumple or reject him whatever happens.

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