Parents of whingy children, please help me. At the end of my tether with DS age 4!

[TouTou]

Please, desperate for advice.

I have a lovely little boy, nearly age 5, whose superpower seems to be whining.

My mum once put it 'sometimes he just doesn't seem happy unless he's making himself unhappy.' (She does love him, she was trying to figure out as well why he is the way he is.) He's been like this for all his little life.

Every morning, he will cry and whine about totally tiny, random different things. This morning within 1 hour:
-Couldn't find small plastic 'Angry Bird' from yesterday.
-Was unhappy about the colour of his bowl.
-Wanted to wear Crocs which are still way too big for him and made him trip up lots when we did try and use them yesterday. (Present from friends)
-Wanted to wear thermal trousers when it's 27 degrees outside.
All sobbing, whining behaviour for about 10 minutes each. It's like this every day, even weekends.

I know this is all standard stuff for toddlers. But he's not a toddler anymore really. And I think it's starting to make him unpopular with other children. He is so exacting about how he plays as well that I've noticed that say, yesterday we were with 2 young boys who he likes, but the boys kept gravitating towards my easygoing DD. I'm worried about when he goes to school.

I've tried reward charts (doing that at the moment, not working), being like a children's TV presenter and ignoring it in a jolly way, doing time outs. (That sounds like I'm trying everything at once, but I do try things for a few months)

I don't know what to do. It's starting to be like having static going on the radio all day. I wish sometimes he'd have a massive tantrum and get it over with, instead it's every little tiny thing. We want to go on holiday to Disney as DD is starting to get to the age where she won't believe in it all anymore, but realised after having a disasterous weekend away with DS whining at so many things that the other kids adored ("my ice cream is dripping ") that I don't think we can do Florida as it won't be fun.

Please, I really adore him - he's brilliant at Lego, has a wicked sense of humour, makes me chuckle and is very cuddly, but it's starting to be that the bad times are outweighing the good.

Any advice?

You say hes exacting in his play, but that you wish he would have a proper tantrum. So if you think about it, all these things cant really be bothering him.

Have you tried simply ignoring the whining? Like if he cant find a toy say "I will help you look if you ask properly" and then dont say or do anything more until he stops being whiny?

Maybe if you are making a fuss to get him to stop he keeps it going for attention.

I'd pick your fights - like with the bowl - did you ask him what bowl he wanted? Let him wear the thermal trousers. Let him wear the crocs (take spare shoes that do fit so when he gets fed up with tripping he has an alternative - but wait for him to ask, don't suggest it)
If it's not important - let him choose.

He may well find something else to whine about, but it does sound a lot like attention seeking.
Has he always been like this though?

Thanks for responding wannabe - that's a good point, I don't think these things are really bothering him.

I have tried lots to say 'mummy can't hear/help you when you speak like that'. Or similar like 'ask nicely' and he will, but the next time he just goes back to a whine/cry again.
I also have a rule now with him (for past year) that if he can't find a toy (and this happens about 3 (sometimes up to 10) times a day - usually something tiny and irritating like a lego man) that I will help find it if he asks nicely and if he looks with me but that I will only look for 2 minutes. After that, it will just have to turn up.

I think the worst of it is, he's capable of being miserable about something small, (like the fact that I broke his weetabix in half this morning to get it into the wrong coloured bowl - evil mummy) for a sustained period of time. He can honestly chunter away in the background for an hour or so. This morning I finally shouted at him, which I hate doing and don't do it very often. I felt like such a cow.

Beamur thanks for reading and answering - all the stuff was dirty in the dishwasher and there were two bowls left. His sister got to the table before him, and she chose the green one (these are new 'fun' bowls, in 'fun' shapes). I felt like I couldn't then take it off her as she is always conceding to him as she gets fed up with his whining as well. But this morning she took a stand, her cereal was in the bowl and milk and I just thought - "but you love these bowls and it's only because she has it that you want it."

And the thermal trousers - I have let him get away with this for a while now (he wore nothing but PJs 2 summers ago!) but really, it gets up to 30+ in the sun here and he's playing soccer today. (God knows where he found them. He absolutely adores them, they were packed away with the winter stuff, I thought)

And the Crocs were cast offs given to us yesterday by the parents of the little boys. He's not allowed to wear them to school. I've hidden them now.

He has always been quite rigid and exacting abotu things in life. He was previously fixated on Cars and always had one in his hand, but it had to be a very specific one. He is a really fussy eater (DD eats everything) and we've had sleep problems as well. I just wish he'd learn that if he gave in sometimes that life would still be as fun. He's, in many ways, the opposite of 'easy going'. My DD is fairly easygoing, she has her moments, but I don't feel exasperated with her like I do with DS.

I have a 5 yr old who was like this till about a year ago. The most important thing is not to give in to him. Once he knows that if he whines enough you'll help/carry/find for him, it won't stop.

In desperation once, I started whining just like my DS. Everything was a whine. He found it funny and irritating in the same breath. Everytime he whines now I put on a whiny voice too, a bit like making fun of him. It stops him straight away now.

Chin up, he will stop whining eventually.

TBH, he sounds a lot like one of my chums boys - he was always quite high maintenance, but is a lovely sweet loving boy.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things (or at least the things I'd be doing myself too! )
I'm not sure there is a 'fix' other than to accept this is the way he is.

I've started doing the whiny voice thing too with my 4yo. Then I tell her to say what she said again, with a smile in her voice. Seems to work - so far.

Hope I don't sound too horrible, but have to disagree a bit with Beamur - only because I think that if you already have a whingy child, letting him choose everything from now on just won't help the situation..
Plus, from the things that you've mentioned (crocs, trousers etc) I don't think you are being unreasonable in saying that he can't wear them/have the certain bowl etc.
I totally understand that sometimes you really do have to choose your battles because its not worth it; but IMO that should be battles like letting DC swap the blue pair of socks for a yellow pair IYSWIM?
I've got 5 DD's, including 3YO triplets, and so sometimes in our house they simply cannot have the bowl that they want - because 4 other girls want the same one; for that simple reason we try to nip the whinging in the bud, otherwise I think I would be banging my head against a wall for most of the day!

The only thing I do with my DD's is give them a chance to stop the whinging - i.e 'I know you wanted to have the green bowl, but you just can't. Please stop the whinging or you can go to your bedroom/time out'
Getting cross/shouting etc doesn't work for us, so I just keep firm but calm. If the whinging doesn't stop then its important to follow through.
So then just following through with the timeout/room and telling them that 'I don't want to listen to this noise, when you have finished you can come back and have breakfast'.
Normally mine will just whinge for a few minutes, get over it and then come back and get breakfast.
Once they come back then I normally explain that although I know they are upset because they couldn't have the green bowl, not everyone can always get to choose the colour of their bowl.

Sorry for long windedness - hope it helps! :)

Tou Tou this sounds VERY familiar. We are coming out of it now I think. DS1 is 4.5, and DS2 8mo so we have been adjusting to life with a baby. DS1 is also very exacting in his play, thus few playmates at nursery, and I find it really hard playing with him. He is also very obsessional about things which adds to the hard work. He would also kick off about wrong spoon, having his satsuma broken into segmemts, getting interrupted, me giving the wrong answer etc etc. And the whinging, whining and slow walking.... drove me absolutely nuts. I shouted lots which I feel bad about now but at the time stopped me from bashing my head against a wall.
What has changed? I think I have adjusted my expectations. We often don't go anywhere in the mornings, we leave loads of time to get places. I do things the way he likes them and he is now well used to our weekly routine. He gets ready brek every morning, with honey, with the honey spoom handed to him separately. Etc! He has got over the big disruption of new baby and changing nursery.
And he knows that he gets very short thrift from me over nonsense. I have a zero tolerance for moaning and I think it works (for us!). We have such a lovely time together when we are friends and he is aware of not wanting to make me cross.
Has your DS had any big changes recently? Is he at school? I really hope for some improvements for your sake, I completely sympathise with you as it is just soul destroying having that all the time. And how can your friends understand what it's like when their dc are happy compliant little souls.....

I bow to KateShmate

Ha ha ha ha! Thing is, I write my 'techniques' down, and they sound brilliant, but my girls are pretty stubborn and they don't always go to plan!

P.s, didnt want you to think I was dismissing your technique or anything; I wish I was able to let my DD's choose more things for themselves, but with my lot, even choosing a bowl colour turns into mission impossible and takes hours! So although we do get the whinging, I slightly favour that over spending hours watching 5 small girls choosing a bloody bowl! ha ha ha!

I just have the one and am obviously totally under the thumb (and trying to pass that off as a deliberate parenting technique)

Don't be silly! Of course you're not under the thumb!
If I had more time to do things with my DD's then I would definitely pick my battles more carefully and happily let them choose etc.

P.s, don't we all try to pass most of our actions off as 'deliberate parenting techniques' ?

Thanks Todaysagoodday - it's good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will give the whiny voice a go! It may make him realise how awful it sounds.
Kate - hats off to you for your 5 girls! That sounds like you have to be really on top of the whining thing. I agree I need to be firmer about removing him from the source of activity when he's whining. This weekend was a prime example - all the kids were having a fab time in a sandy/paddling pool park, but apparently my DS wanted the 'boat with eyes on it'. He could have one without eyes, but it wouldn't do. My DH was with them at this point (I'd gone for a quick liberating ship at that time) and apparently the complaints didn't end for the entire hour I was gone. In many ways, I said after he should have just removed him from the fun. But when you're with friends it's difficult, and all situations seem to have problems like that where disciplining is tricky.

Gill79, thanks for your story because it's nice to hear from someone in the same boat! Your DS sounds like mine. We have had a big move recently (emigrated to a country where he doesn't speak the language at nursery) and I'd love to blame it on that, but he was like this, almost worse, when we were in the UK. I remember my CM (who again, thought he was great) that he was the most mulish/bullish little charge she'd ever minded. She was fine with him because she was slightly removed, but she did agree that he could be amazingly stuck in his ways.
[I had a think about Aspergers for a while, but I think it's not as extreme as that.]

Thank you all. I think I needed a quick whinge myself after being shouty this morning. I will start again with a new leaf and firmness tomorrow.

*liberating shop, not ship

Hi TouTou - I can definitely relate to those kind of situations, my DD2 is 5 in Sep and very very stubborn; sometimes she will whinge about things that are just totally unreasonable!
Sometimes is definitely easier to just ignore it, but I only ignore if I know that they won't carry on whingeing IYSWIM?
Definitely not easy when you've got friends over, or out in a public place, but I totally agree with you that your DS should have been removed from the situation. Often when friends are over its the perfect time to start 'cracking down' because they cannot bare to be taken away from all the fun (albeit for about 1 minute!) and so when they've been told that they can come back and play when they have finished whineing, they normally do it pretty quickish!

Its totally normal for children to be whingey though, and they all go through stages of being extra whingey too! :)