find it hard to accept ds1 for who he is

[fattybum]

And have done since birth. I love him completey, but when I'm with him I often feel anxious and worry about his behavior around others. He is now 6, and although it's not as bad as it used to be, the worry and anxiety is still there.

It makes me feel so guilty because I also have 3 year old ds2 who I feel so relaxed around, even at his worst I never worry, whereas with ds1 it is always in the background. He was a difficult baby and toddler, but I can now see that he was pretty "normal", I just couldn't cope and it feels like it's shaped our relationship forever. He is good at school, pretty good at home, although can be a pain just like all kids but there's always this feeling that there's something "wrong" with him.

Feel awful even writing this, so please be gentle with me. Anyone been through this/understand/got any advice?

Thanks

When you said you couldn't cope..... but he was normal but difficult. My daughter (3) was a high maintenance baby and toddler and I found it really hard, I could never get her to sit in the buggy without screaming, she wouldn't be held, nightmare with feeding as a baby, crawled at 6 months, cruised at 7 months etc. She was 'normal' but challenging, I always thought it was just me being rubbish finding it tough until I had my second who is a breeze in comparison.

I think that people very often say 'oh but its your second so you're more relaxed' and you are made to feel like its just you. In my case my second was DEFINITELY a mile easier!!!!! The fact she is still sedentary at 6 months is a start .

Is there anything specific that makes you think there is something wrong?

Oh yes. Feel like this about dd (7) sometimes. Ds is very like me and I understand the way he thinks and feels. Dd is nothing like me in any way and I struggle to understand her. She also has issues with attention so it feels like she never listens to me and can't be bothered - which is not true.

Many years ago someone gave me some advice which has shaped our relationship for the better. Pretend. Pretend to all the things which you think are lacking in your relationship. If you pretend for long enough, you will find the pretence becomes real. It is never too late.

I don't think there is actually anything wrong, it feels more like when he was born I was freaked out by a crying baby and 6 years down the line I still am. It's like the tone of how I felt was set and hasn't changed. Every stage he goes through makes me panic and think he must be abnormal, then months later I realise other children have gone through the same.

For example, he went through a hitting stage and I thought he was going to become a psychopath. I just don't feel I can relax with him, even though I know
he's a good boy, I don't know it iyswim.

goosey is right with the 'pretend' idea, sounds maaaad but "fake it till you make it" can really work, like immersion therapy or smile therapy, you can fool your brain into changing the way it/you have always reacted to something just by doing it or being it, even if it feels fake at first it retrains your brain down the new more positive pathway. you have to be determined to try for a while though! or, you could ask your GP about your anxiety is another thought... you mustnt let this guilt set the tone for the rest of your life, and guilt is what it is - we're all like it, women, mummies, we look inwards and tend to blame ourselves rather than the situation, especially about our kids, no-one is harder on us than us ifyswim! Most likely you were overwhelmed plus he was hard going as a baby, some babies are constant criers and those mums have it worse I would say, I'm sure you took care of him to the best of your ability, you're probably no better and no worse than the rest of us (who are of course all beating ourselves up about something with our little 'uns too!). Of course you don't want to constantly feel guilty about the possibility that motherhood was like being thrown in the deep end to start with, and you shouldnt, so maybe go and talk to someone professional. best of luck :)

It might help to keep a few discreet notes round the house saying "its not him,its me". I dont mean that in a bad way by the way,just as a gentle reminder to your brain.
And be kind to yourself about this.You acknowledge that you are better about it than you were,and also you now obviously have insight about the problem too.

Hi, have you had any counselling about this issue at all? It sounds to me like you had complex feelings which are no longer relevant but are still present. Perhaps counselling would help you leave those feelings about the past behind and form new feelings about the present.

You are projecting your image onto him, and it isn't terribly positive, so it would be good to try to deal with this. As a child I lived with a negative projection from my parents and it has taken a lot of work to shake it off, so IMO it would be worthwhile trying to shift this.

I have some of these thoughts about DD1 who sounds just like brettgirl's DD1. She is seven now and in almost everyway absolutely lovely, but still quite high need (currently not sleeping due to some kind of anxiety I can't get to the bottom of, given to having massive tantrums when tired which is most of the time due to the not sleeping). Tbh, the single thing that helped most was a very elderly lady we knew through church, who has since died, who always liked DD1 and used to invite us round for tea and who - completely unprompted - talked about her as being 'sensitive' and could see she wasn't easy to parent. She had been a teacher and had loads of experience of children and generally had no truck with preciousness or self-indulgence and the fact that she recognised that DD1 was particular intense and sensitive, and didn't make me feel as though I was mad or parenting badly helped so much. So don't pretend there is no issue, while of course recognising that he is yours to love and care for, and you have to make it work.

Yes, I understand how you feel, although DS is only 2.4.

I can't say too much about it on here but happy to chat if you want to PM me :)

Agree about counselling, ask your gp. I had huge anxiety after ds was born and helpfully he was a challenging baby too. He is now a poor sleeping, poor eating, hardly talking two year old but I do feel a lot more relaxed and open to him (iyswim) since being able to talk about it with someone calm and sensible.

feel a bit like that sometimes with my DS1 -was very depressed at one point when he was young and with DS2 way more relaxed -he is easier as well - and I would say what makes a difference is spending time with him - and having fun - there are some lovely ideas in a book called playful parenting which ave been really great - we do some modified wrestiling for instance

Thanks for your responses! We do have lots of fun and loving times, it's not all bad, I just think i'm a worried/anxious person anyway and having ds1 just brought it all to the surface.

Would love to pm you iwillonlyeatbeans but could you tell me how?

I know where you're coming from. Ds1 is not even three yet but I've felt anxious about him since birth. From the first night in the maternity ward, where he screamed all night, to being stressed about playdates at friends' houses. I constantly worry about my parenting skills, whether he is 'normal' (he has odd little quirks which, rationally, are just toddlerisms, but sometimes I convince myself otherwise) and how I'm being judged by others.

He is high spirited, energetic and full on - he, too, went through a hitting phase which thankfully appears to be passing, but all the positives with his quirky and funny little character sometimes get ignored as I have a habit of focussing too much on the negative. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits and I never let him know my feelings - he feels secured and loved, but a close relative recently gently made me aware that I was often being a little too negative about his potential behaviour in certain situations, 'warning' people about what he might do or act like, making quips about my 'feral' toddler - when, in reality, he usually behaves really well. Everyone comments he is sweet, charming, funny etc, which he is, but I suppose there is a little in me that doesn't believe they really think that. I think it stems from my own low esteem (I react like that about myself too) and have been projecting it onto my ds. I've only really just come to this realisation in the last few weeks and I'm seriously making the effort for it not to continue.

We do have a really close relationship and I would hate for my own insecurities to impact on him in the future.