Consequences for an 15 month old...

[1Catherine1]

Hi, I'm new to this part of the forum so please bare with me if I make any mistakes.

I've found my way here tonight after having a particularly difficult day with my DD.

I could go into great detail about what events have brought me here today but instead I'll summarise,

Today for the first time I slapped my daughters bum when she was hitting me over and over. What else could I have done when "No!" had failed, offering her teddy had failed, and offering her drink had failed.

I believe that it is unlikely that she was hungry although dinner time was looming but we had had a late lunch. She may have been a little tired as she'd only slept an hour today but I'm not sure that that means she should be allowed to behave like that.

I was wondering what consequences you can really implement with a 15 month old successfully that they understand.

TIA

The first thing I would do it to have a long hard think about why she is smacking. Is it because she enjoys the sensory experience, because she is generally angry and lashing out or because she is trying to get your attention? recognising and removing the trigger is probably a good start.

At 15 months I would hold her hand down, look her straight in the eye and say no in a low, calm but firm voice every time she does it, over and over again, until the message got through.

You could also withdraw your attention immediately every time she does it by getting up and turning your back on her for ten seconds or so. Again it needs to be repeated every single time she does it calmly and persistently until she understand that the result of her smacking you is one she doesn't enjoy much.

When my son (17 months) hits me I say no firmly and I put him down or if he's standing sort if puck him up and sit him on the floor and I then look away from him/ignore him for a bit. Honestly it's not long because he hates it and wants a cuddle which I give him pretty promptly. At first I grabbed his hand and said no but he'd just keep doing it like it was a game. He never does it more than once now and rarely does it at all.

A child psychologist I know told me that a parent's attention is the most powerful reinforcer for a child so give it to encourage positive behaviours and remove it to decrease unwanted behaviours. Not always possible but useful to think about. I hope things get better. They can be such hard work at this age!

Thank you for your responses. I will give these a try. I was feeling quite defeated yesterday. I'm quite sure she does it for attention especially as she wasn't getting the high level of attention she is used to due to me making dinner.

At that age I would try and time things so we had a burst of attention and I'd warn him that I was going to make dinner and say then I'll come and play again - if dinner cooking allows, say you've got something done and in the oven.

It is tiresome to be belted while you are doing things but ds (2) is usually quite good now when I say I need to do X, please be patient. I also thank him for being patient when he has come to bother me and then gone off to do something else when I'm busy.

She doesn't know hitting is wrong and by hitting back what are you teaching her?

I think when my DS would sometimes hit and bite at around that age, I would say a firm "NO. We do not bite. Biting hurts and you have hurt mummy", then immediately try to distract with something else. I found it was normally frustration and (touch wood)since his language has come on we have had a LOT fewer physical outbursts.

He does sometimes scream at me now when I play a game "wrong" or I'm not giving him enough attention, but I just walk away and say "I'm not going to play with you while you're screaming at me but I would love to play if you're not screaming".

I also figure, if it was all easy there wouldn't be a million parenting books.

Believe me, i know how tiresome and frustrating it is to be hit/ bitten/ pinched over and over so i do empathise. I think consistency is the key, so swapping your tactics is probably undermining your message to her. I would say firmly and with eye contact "No. We don't hit, hitting hurts." If it became repeated, i would remove my attention. I've done this with DS (now 19mo) quite a lot - as soon as he does it two or three times i carry him to the middle of the room, put him down and just walk away. I then show him positive attention when he has stopped.

The most important thing to remember is that it's a phase (DS hasn't smacked me for quite some time now and the incidents become fewer and further between) and also, at 15mo your DD isn't doing it to be naughty. They do it for all kinds of reasons (learning about cause and effect mostly, just like "what happens if i throw this toy?") Try to see it as a positive thing that she is learning and it is all just part of the process. You probably know this already, but i would really try very hard indeed not to return violence with violence. I haven't yet resorted to smacking DS, probably because when i feel the temperature rise, i walk away. I know it's hard, but imo i don't think smacking teaches them anything except that smacking is acceptable. But parents are human, it won't do any lasting damage if it's just the once.