Help me with my DS1's behaviour or am I over-reacting!!

[Klauz33]

DS1 is 5 in August and started reception in September. He is one of the youngest in the year and as we only moved in July he didn't have a gang of friends to move with from pre-school. Also lets be honest the first few years of his life have been very disruptive.

It has been a tough time for him but mostly I think he has coped very well with school and has a group of friends, enjoys learning and seems happy with school. I have been throwing myself into school and getting to know as many people as possible.

He has a little brother who is 3 in May and goes to nursery 2 days a week.

DS1 has always been quite a demanding child, very talkative and required a lot of personal attention when he was younger.

What I am finding difficult is:

1. His jealously, sometimes violence towards his little brother. He is jealous of everything that DS2 does, gets, all attention.

1. He has this very destructive side, he makes friends easily it appears, but then is always trying to tell them what to do, physically move them around, lock them in jail etc... He is always picking at people, touching them, saying things to annoy people, being verbally aggressive.

I have just returned from a playdate which wasn't probably as much of a disaster as I thought but I find myself assuming that it is DS1 who is causing problems, starting arguments etc... The host's children had to release DS2 from a cupboard that DS1 had put him into. AAAAArgh.

In fact other people have commented on how I talk about DS1, I think I don't do it infront of him - but it is still not good.

Tell me my son is normal and that I am totally over-reacting and how do you deal with the siblarly rivalry???

it does sound normal to an extent... but it also sounds like he wants attention...

do you have any one-to-one time with him at home?
If he knows that he is going to be able to have "his" time with you each evening then he may be less jealous of the time you spend with his little brother.

the behaviour with his peers sounds like he wants to be in control....

Probably not enough time one-to-one with him, as the boys share a bedroom and go to bed at the same time. We have been trying to give him more attention, but he can be so unpleasant and rude that somehow you don't want to.

"Wanting to be in control" describes DS1 definitely. How do I get him to back off, or should I just let him get on with it and make sure the mums of his friends are happy with a glass of wine or two

you could try telling him some stories about boys who are very bossy and their friends don't want to play with them any more... or something like that.

am sure there are books out there, but i don't know names of any.

Maybe he feels very out of control in other aspects of his life? Could you give him some things to do that he is in charge of? feeding a pet, sweeping the path... i don't know.. something that is his job and will make him feel important?

Great ideas - my try and change bedtime so he goes to bed later and his own job sounds great - I'll have a think.

Starlover, sometimes its great to have someone to point out the obvious, which has been staring you in the fact!! Many thanks.

you're welcome! let us know how you get on

Can't really pass judgement on the childs behaviour but my own bitter experience is that I'm terrible towards my ds1. He's 7 in March and I always assume he's at fault. I never believe him when he tells me he hasn't done something. Always jumping down his throat over the slightest thing. Only the other day he screamed at me when I was telling his dad what he'd done. Saying I'd took it totally out of context just to turn him into the bad guy. Sounds sometimes like he's more grown up than me! Once you get in the rut with your child where you find them not what you expected, it's all down hill. I've been in this place for to many years and all attempts for me to form a relationship with my son fall to nothing because he knows I don't often like him. It's a very sad place and for me it's made worse by the fact that I dote on ds2 who has just turned 2. Everything he does is special and fun. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Don't fall into the pit I did. Start with your positive praise now and ignoring the bad.

It is a little like this with DS1 (7) and DS2 (4). DS2 has actually started saying "I'm like Perfect Peter and DS1 is like Horrid Henry, isn't he?", which isn't true and is nothing we've ever said. And a very disturbing thing to hear.

DS1 is very jealous (perhaps more so now that DS2 is at the same school and doing grown up things like reading and writing too. I'm finding it a bit easier now that DS2 has playdates after school sometimes to have some time by myself with DS1.

We also read together every night after DS2 is in bed, and that is a very special time for us, and the time that we have a giggle and feel close. Perhaps you could try a later bedtime for your DS1 - it might give you a bit of time together.

Thanks Flip, what a honest post.

Its easy to love them when they are 2 isn't it, he's funny, thinks we are great, giggles when I blow on his tummy.... While my 4 year old is struggling with making friends, changing into his PE kit, learning to read - he needs more support and praise - you are right. I am going to show this thread to DP.

I have a whole heap of things I can blaim the state of my relationship with DS1 on but there's no point. There's only me that can fix it and I have to want to. That's the hard part. The thought of spending time with my Ds1 alone is often quite a scary thought. But this is your thread Klauz33 and I've bared my sole plenty on mumsnet over the years. Just keep trying with your little man.

oh flip... that's really sad :(

flip... maybe you should go back to basics... ignore your ds's behaviour towards you, you know why he does it, your post explains that
pretend he is a child you don't know... take him out for the day... have a nice time

really, it isn't too late...

Thanks slinky, but this is Klauz33 thread about her boys.

Hi. Not much of an expert on this but my two dds are 3 and 1 and I'm beginning to see no 1 exhibit jealousy now as dd2 is competing more. I do blame her a lot and get annoyed that she pushes the lo over and stuff. as I'm the oldest in my family I can now see why my mum was like this with us. But when i do things with her on her own I find her behaviour changes completely and she is really enjoyable. Ours share a room (with us as well unfortunately!) but we put them to bed at diff times think that helps.

BTW your ds sounds perfectly normal and really sweet. It's trickier when they are trying to make friends and start to become slightly awkward - we've moved to new area and dd is really out of place, I really feel for her. There's a poster from nursery world at dds playgroup about children and friendship development. I had a glance the other day but it looked really interesting. I'll be there again next mon, I could post up a summary for you if it's relevant to his age range.

Oh gosh, don't worry about that Flip. Your story is so sad.

Its hard to remember that they are still children fighting to find their place in the world. I think maybe some of my anger with DS1 probably relates to my own upbringing, where I was given impossible standards to live up to. None of DS1's friends parents are so hard on their kids. And well DP doesn't really have a take on it as he more dragged himself up than was brought up - if you know what he means.

Flip, would it help to remind ourselves of all the great things about our kids:

DS1 is funny, smart, brave, sociable, eager to learn and rather handsome if I do say so myself

Went to school on Friday and the teacher told me that DS1 had had a bad week in the playground with general agressiveness. So inspired by this thread and the detoriating behaviour of DS1 I have instituted a two prong attack:

1. No tolerance to rude, violent behaviour and language - said in a firm but calm manner. Apologies required for rudeness and time out for continous rudeness or violence.
2. More attention and praise to DS1.

He does seem a bit calmer, so we will see if DP and I can keep a united front on this one and carry it through.