How to build confidence?

[The3Bears]

Ds is 5 he's always been shy/quiet and I know it's just his personality and the way he is, I was the same when younger. I could really do with any advice/tips on helping to build his confidence and make him abit more out going. Dp has been taking him to a football group on sat mornings to help him mingle with other children outside of school etc and he's been doing great but today he's just stood back and not joined in or seemed interested at all.

I take him to the park nearly everyday and he has been playing with children he doesnt know alot on there etc so I really thought we were making an improvement with him, I just feel sometimes that I must be doing something wrong and letting him down in a way. Has anyone else got a shy/sensitive child that has any advice for me ?

I have a dd aged 7 nearly 8 who is like your DS. She's always been that way....I found it hard...which is silly as I am the same!

She has gradually improved as she has gotten older and found out what she's good at. I do a lot of encouraging in those areas....she is good a art so I entered her in a competition and she got a highly commended...thats gone a long way to boosting her confidence.

But the main thing is to accept them for who they are....some kids are naturally retiring...never going to be part of a big gang...DD has a select few friends and will never be outgoing in all likelyhood....that's fine.

When it comes to school...is DS joining in at playtime? That's the main thing.

Yes he's joining in at playtime, so I suppose your right. I have come to accept that its just the way he is but sometimes I feel abit like its my fault or something...which is just silly. I just want him to be happy and aslong as he is happy then that's fine :)

In our Western culture, the outgoing types are celebrated ALL the time and looked up to. When in fact, people who are introverted have their own strengths and special qualities to offer.

Those quiet types are often creative thinkers...people who do as much in life as the more outgong types...sometimes more.

If it makes you feel any better I have the opposite and it can be a nightmare. He is so loud, never stops talking and talks to random strangers where ever we go. Always wants everyone to be his friend but can't understand they might not want a toddler hugging and talking very loudly at them. I also feel that I am letting him down as I have no idea how to reign him in. Basically I think at some point every parent thinks they are failing at something.

Lovely words TheSpoken. DD (nearly 12) is quiet and shy when in a group of people, and other children take advantage of her. She is useless at standing up for herself and fighting her corner if someone else is mean to her. All the confident children have loads of friends and get invuted to lots of parties where her social group is getting smaller. I would love to find a way of helping her to be more assertive.

It seems to me that the meaner and bossier a child is the more charisma they have.

In our town, football is equivalent to the lion's den - I would never take a shy child there unless he showed talent and therefore had the chance to shine. I suggest he and dp do football at home. Meanwhile, I'd consider a different hobby (karate is in favour in our town). perhaps sign him up for the cubs waiting list as well.

As for you, and how you feel about it, many of us have been there and we know the pain. The similarities between you and him are good because it gives you clues/insights, but dangerous because you might over-identify.
Salvation lies in thinking in terms of all this as skills he is still building.

Those trips to the park sound good :)

Yes thats lovely spoken :)

lingle I was thinking about cubs as I think he'd enjoy that alot, he really enjoys football though always plays at home/park with dp anyway Its just confusing because the past couple of times before this weekend when he's been he's joined in, really enjoyed it and came home all excited because of it :) I could see his confidence growing, I supose i'll try this weekend again and see what he's like maybe he was abit off last time so we'll see.

I am a big believer in celebrating our quiet/shy children the way they are... and not turning that personality type into a negative thing anymore.

It really is an acceptable....even admired state of being in Asia...and in Japan, where people are so genteel and thoughtful, it's normal!

Bun..if your DD would like to expand her circle, then the best things in my opinion to help her confidence are things like horseriding...it is an incredible boost to a young girl to be able to ride a horse and manage it...also if she isn't the animal type, then what I have found has helped my DD is to look at the things she excells at...in our case it's art and spellling...and find competative ways in which they can shine.

So I entered DD's artwork into a national competition and she got a prize...boosted her confidence enormously. Same with the spellling...she's joined an online Spelling Bee thing where she really shines and we'll suggest that her school becomes involved.

I think celebrating what they are good at is great for them....and letting them know that they are FINE the way they are. Some of the most succesful people in the world are huge introverts.

Alan Bennett the playwright for instance....he's very shy and during a rehearsal in the West End for one of his plays, the actors and the director asked him to join them in Covent Garden for lunch break and he got on his bike and said "Oh no! I shall cycle home and have a poached egg with Mother."

I love that. He was true to himself and did not sway to the "ideal" of bing sociable.

(as the great man said)

"Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to".

And that's what all this comes down to.

That is so true lingle

The spokenNerd DD is allergic to horses and I don't like them so horseriding isn't an attractive option. Although what you say makes sense. DD is also good at art and spelling. I think I will try and see if there are any art clubs in the area. She is also good at singing but is too shy to join the school choir, even though she was in the local children's choir at primary school.

Her shyness does hold her back, although she does make friends easily, she seems to find it difficult to keep them.

Isn't that funny Bun! They must be of the same mould! The spelling thing is this here...run by The Times and they have a championship at the end of the year aimed at 11-12 year olds...so your DD might be too old by then but maybe not...
there are often art comps online if you keep looking..

Can you maybe find a choir not related to school?

I was SO shy at this age but I was also happy to be doing my art, reading and writing on my own...it wasn't until I realised that my Mum was worried by my apparent lack of a social life that I became bothered by it.

I then made a massive attempt to fit in and went off the rails in a last ditch effort to be "outgoing". I wasn't a natural so I got myself fake "rebel persona" in order to be accepted.

I was accepted but got into terrible trouble....and the "friends" weren't real.